Pieces are Coming Together

[Atlas]

I don't know that I can give advice, but I can give you my observations and opinion.

Oh you can, and it is so important I think that we all hear from the opposite sex. Thank you.

It sounds like your W is succumbing to a lot of family pressure. It sounds like she is willing to work on M/R and reconcile with you, but that she has some issues of her own to work out yet. I take it she is close with her family? Has she felt pressured by them in the past?

Her family is very close, they are far geographically, but they visit all the time. I love them all. But due to some bad divorces in the past, when push comes to shove they are with blood. As I would expect any family. But W is also saying she lied to them about me to make me look worse so her A wouldn't look so bad. Her family is actually the source of our problem and she admits this. Her father left, and she has a fear of abandonment that she has never addressed. None of her siblings have addressed it and it has ruined 3 of 4 marriages now. Really sad. Her father and I actually talked about a few months ago, he was almost in tears.

I think that under the circumstances I would take advantage of a private moment with her and let her know that you understand the pressures she is feeling. Tell her that you feel she still needs to sort out her priorities (family or M) and that you are more than willing to work on your M with her, but she needs to be committed. At the same time let her know that you understand how difficult her situation is. Let her know that you understand how important her family is to her.

I really like how you have put that. I need to let her know I appreciate her decisions and strong side. She has always been a strong women, and for the first time it appears she won't make a decision without checking with her sister and mom.

If her sister or mom is guilting her about the money for the D proceedings, talk with her about it and maybe come up with a plan that you both pay her mom back over time. Shows her that you're willing to work on M and that you respect her and her family. Validate, validate, validate.

Already made this decision. I'm an attorney and just floored at what this guy charged them. He really took advantage of them and I feel horrible. I'm actually thinking of helping my MIL by sending her to someone that will negotiate her bill for her. But no matter what I would have W and I pay her back.

Trust is a tough thing and it will make it next to impossible to gain back if you think that the next time her mom or sister interfere that she won't be strong enough to stand up to them. If she in her heart wants to come back and work on things she needs to stand up and say so. Being wishy-washy doesn't help the situation. Unfortunately if you tell her that she needs to stand up to her family she will most likely get defensive. Be careful and tactful on how you word what you say. Tell her that you support her and encourage her to be strong. Let her know that she needs to look inside herself without the help of others and make up her mind on her own what she wants out of life. If it is to come back and work on your M great. It takes a lot of courage to stand up for what you believe in and go against outside pressures.

I totally agree, and actually if she did stand to them and say this is what I want, I know they would respect her decision. No doubt about it, but they will ask the tough questions.

I would also stress that you both need to go slow, rediscover what you love about each other, date. Ask her on a date where she truly has the option to say no. If she accepts act like you did when you were dating. Dress to impress, wear a little cologne if so inclined, pick her up at her place, treat her like a lady, pay for everything. Don't expect a kiss good night unless she initiates it. If you both had a good time risk it and ask her if she'd like to go out again. The key is really to show her that she has the option to decline. It gives her control. It is frustrating being in limbo, but at the same time the dating can be kind of fun.

Haha! I love it. She actually asked if I was doing a tree this year and she would like to be a part of it. Well I extended an invite to get a tree this Saturday and do the decorating. But we will see if she comes. Not really a date, but a family date. If it goes well, maybe I go for real date.

Don't talk about her moving home unless she brings it up first. And even then I would tell her that you think you should wait . . . until more trust is established, until you are both sure that this is definitely the right thing to do, that you both still need some time to work on things, that moving back too quickly would make it too easy to fall back into your old patterns. It is hard, but I believe it will be worth the wait - that's where I am right now.

Totally agree. We have actually talked about this, but then she pulls back again. But it has to be slow.

Encourage her, validate her, tell her you have faith in her decisions, let her feel in control (something her family isn't giving her), praise her for her courage and her strength. Do not use guilt or blame. Do not put her in a position where she feels she needs to get defensive.

This is spot on for her. As I said, she is so strong and usually takes control, I think over time I usurped that control and she woke up to that and felt hopeless. I actually fell in love with her in college due to the control that she kept with herself. She always handled her own life so well. Then I came along and she really feel into my arms and I ran our life for the next 7 years. I think she feels now that she lost control.

Okay, that ended up sounding like advice. Oh well. Good luck and keep me posted on what's up. Where's your thread?

It is advice, THANK YOU! I don't have a thread, I used to post a lot and thought my W found it. So I got off the boards. It actually helped me to cope and do the LRT and then I found myself moving on. Now I'm totally sucked back in. When I create one I will let you know. Sorry for hijacking your thread, it just hit so close to home.

Well I'll keep you updated. I really do appreciate your advice. I will pray for you and your H. I hope things keep moving in a positive direction.