PS, It will get easier as your H gets healthier. Glad this Thanksgiving was nice ... you have now replaced a bad memory with a positive one! And pats on the back to you for your self control!!
... how sometimes I create scenerios in my head and my emotions react as though these things did actually happen.
PS,
This is a critical point that I hear often from LBS's after a reconciliation, especially if there's been an OW/M. If you do nothing else for yourself, learn to nip this in the bud.
What I have found works very well for me is this attitude --
1) I have made a conscious decision to trust H2B. This is my decision and no one else's. (I've actually had 1 friend who for all intents and purposes has ended our friendship b/c of this decision.)
2) If H2B chooses to be unfaithful again, then that's about him and has nothing to do with me. This is hard for us LBS's to understand sometimes because we think the reasons WAS's left is because of something we did. Sometimes that's true, but when they come back, and if we've DB'd and learned and applied the lessons, then we have stopped contributing to those reasons. So, if H2B is unfaithful, it's now about him and not me. Irrespective, I am a better person than I was before, thanks to all of the hard lessons I've learned and all of the hard work I've done.
It is what it is, and it's all good so long as it's up to me!
IAChild, I hear waht you're saying and I agree. Yet, I find myself often not following through on my commitment to myself. Really, this was helpful for me to read. And I have to remind myslef of waht you said.
I had another slip up last night where I got upset about something. To make a long story short, I overreacted about somethign. There were tears (mine). H was calm. I voiced some of my concerns. He asked me what I needed. I said time and consistency. I told him that he's not doing anythign wrong. But that I still struggle with the triggers... things that make me feel bad and take it out on him. Last night it was a TM from antother female friend that reminded me of a TM i read from OW once. It just sent me into a tissy.
Fortunately, I was able to get a hold of my emotions and stop the conversation after about 20 minutes.
Before bed, I apologized for overreacting.
Sometimes I have a hard time controlling my emotions and biting my tongue. I need to work on this. UGH. I need to work on this and stop myself. How do I do this? Right now, it all make sense. But when I'm in the trows of some sort of anxious emotion, I cant' stop myself.
Today, I was feeling icky about it. And H called and told me he was asked to go out of town for the night with his boss (which I feel confident is actually the case). I basically jumped for joy when he told me. I guess I was needing a night alone. And I think it's good for him to get away, too. I think a little space is sometimes good for us.
How do I stop being afraid? H does seem different than when he was in the trows of the A. But what if it happens again? What if he falls of the wagon with OW? What if, what if, what if. I have been having a particularly hard time with the fear lately. I think it's becuase at this piont, we're a family again -- a real family again. And to lose again at this point would be devastating - mostly for the kids, but for me as well.
Oh, boy... I am rambling. It's just all on my mind.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
I can relate to what you are going through. My H gave me an information that I think it might be helpful. He feels that I am like a traffic light, going from red to green in a moment and he feels it's confusing.
So I am trying to be more consistent thinkings about that image.
Look at the bright side. By wanting some space and trusting him to go out of town is an achievement. I am in a point I couldn't cope with some schedule for my H to be home. So look at it as an advance and a sign the fear is fading.
Indeed. So, what if? So what? What is the absolute worst-case scenario? Surely you've lived through it already, haven't you?
I honestly don't know anything other than your recent posts about your sitch, so bear with me, and a little velvet 2x4 here, if I may...
Are you somehow dependent upon H? Financially, that is? Or in some other way?
You also might want to spend some time trying to figure out what it truly is your afraid of. It might not be as bad as you think, which would alleviate your fear. As I said, haven't you already gone to Hell and lived to tell about it? How much worse can it get? I'm guessing not that bad.
How many times have you read DB? Most of us who've been here for a while have poured over it at least 3 times, and have read many other books we've found helpful -- I call them my "tool kit". It took a while to learn to put them into practice, but now they are nearly second nature to me.
What are the things you were doing before that worked? Are you doing them now? Sometimes once the WA returns, we loose sight of those things. Might be a good time to get back to basics.
Chin up! Remember to "act as if"...for when you "act as if", "as if" becomes reality sooner than you think!
Also, btw, well done on nipping the conflict last night in the bud after 20 minutes! I'm sure that's an improvement on the past...you are definitely moving in the right direction. Next time maybe it will be after only 10 or 5! Be patient with yourself.
I am not dependant on my H. But before the bomb, I was VERY emotionally dependant on him. But when he moved out, I learned how to live alone and raise my boys alone. I got strong. I learned that life was going to be okay without H... though I was sad.
H had a VERY bumpy return home. There were many back & forths. He had a VERY hard time cutting ties with OW. But with him still living in his appartment, I didn't feel like I had that much to lose. The kids were already used to him being out of the house (they are 3 and 4).
But now that he has moved back home, and has been home for about 6 months now (not all good - and almost moved out again at my request), I worry that if H were to ever leave again, my kids would be CRUSHED. When this first happened, they were too young to understand it. BUt now, almost 2 years later, S4 would have a really hard tiem with it. So, that is my fear. So, there... I've isolated it... I am afraid of my kids getting hurt, now that they are old enough to sort of get it.
I am not dependant on him financially, though our joint income does help - A LOT.
Thanks for asking those probing questions. It helps to really figure out what I am afraid of.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
PS, It sounds like you need to practice with managing fear and other emotions. Posting to the Piecing forum is helpful with that, but you must find a way to break the pattern of emotional reactivity.
I notice you used the word devastating to describe the impact of the potential loss of your H. That is an interpretation that you have made. Subjective interpretations can be modified by us. Interpretations aren't necessarily an accurate reflection of reality.
I think the the change we need to make is to be more mindful instead of reacting in habiutal ways. Modify your language to distinguish between feelings and beliefs. It would be more accurate to say that I think it would be devastating if my H were to leave. I would feel afraid and sad if he left.
Can you see the difference? Feelings can't be disputed. Beliefs must have a foundation to support it.
Practice distinguishing feelings from beliefs, and see if that helps you to get a little distance from your emotions, and to counter the reactivity we all struggle with in Piecing.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Practice distinguishing feelings from beliefs, and see if that helps you to get a little distance from your emotions, and to counter the reactivity we all struggle with in Piecing.
This is an EXCELLENT idea. Think I'll steal it for some experimentation too.
Peaceful, I agree with IA--try to be patient as you work on this. It's a matter of a series of small steps, not one giant leap to overcome deep emotional trauma and lifetime habits.
