Things change all the time and the change can be good or bad or indifferent. I saw my first H go from not really wanting the kids...to wanting them every second that he could get them (I sometimes think to punish me)...to now he loves them but apparently doesn't really think very highly of them...but still want to spend every second that he can even if he pays no attention to them...I am sure once my son is in college, he won't care what my D does...things just change.
I would love to say that things will change for the better but nobody knows...I hope and pray that they will get better all the way around for your family.
You are getting a lot of wonderful input here. Keep being the great mom you are and your life will be filled with beautiful memories regardless of what happens with your H.
I have been following your thread. I had to post in response to your H distancing from the kids. This has been my experience with my STBX as well. He WANTED children. When we had S2, he couldn't get enough of him. Yet, he has not come to see his kids since 10-16-07. Before that, he would go weeks without seeing them. He doesn't call to check on them. He is not available if I need help with them. I really thought that, no matter what happened to us, that his children would be priority. It just isn't so. I don't know why. I don't know how they can just walk away. I have hit my head against the wall so many times with this. There is nothing that can be done about it. All we can do is be the best parent we can be and protect our kids, as much as possible, from being hurt.
This is just speculation, but I think children remind them of the spouse and family they are leaving. I think this is painful for them. Maybe it sparks guilt. I'm not sure. It seems, in my sitch anyway, that the farther he distances, the easier it is for him to distance even more. It is part of the sickness, I suppose.
Yes, you are the lucky one. Never forget that. He is the one losing, and he is losing because of his own choices.
Take care.
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
My H too has distanced himself from our kids. He was not very involved to begin with though. But now he goes for days without talking to them and hadn't seen them in almost 5 months. Granted we do now live across the country, but he could hav come to see them. Even when we lived 5 miles from him he would only pick them up every other weekend for 1 night, not a whole weekend, ever.
It is terribly sad and such a loss for the dads and the kids. The only thing we can do is be the best parent we can. We can't force them to be interested in their children. We can only show our kids we love them more than life itself and let them be secure in that knowledge.
I do believe the lack of involvment hurts our kids in ways we don't even know. But I also believe their faith in our love for them goes a long way.
I have no wisdom about h's, but one thing I have done with my boys that has helped my own worries over their response to this situation is to find an excellent counselor who specializes with working with (in my case) boys.
I insisted that they both go at least once. S1 went only once, and he decided he didn't need to go anymore (and the C agreed that S1 seemed fine), but S2 embraced having someone to talk to, and he went a number of times. Recently, S2 has felt he can do ok without that support, but in both cases, the counselor let the boys know that he would be willing to see them anytime they might need.
As I said, I think having someone who I trust knows something about kids dealing with separation and divorce - and both me and my h met with this person - confirm that the boys are coming through fine has helped me relax a bit. I know that all of the problems between H&me will impact the kids, and this counselling won't keep the impact from happening, but it helps the boys and me (and I assume my h) to know that there is someone other than me - who they feel protective of no matter what I do - to let their feelings out to. I think it also validates for them that sometimes we all need outside support to get through difficult times.
One thing the counselor pointed out to me the last time S2 went was that S2 could describe how I would get stressed out or upset, but that he also could identify that I was finding resources to let go of that stress or upset. In other words, even if I can't keep a brave face on all the time in front of them, the boys are seeing me find ways to deal with it and that helps them to not worry so much.
You might have already done all this; certainly even a trusted clergyperson could do the trick. I just thought I'd add what has helped me with the question of how to be around my kids.
Lis and MMF - you are right...although I hate the term "broken home". No matter what H has done, I just don't feel like it is broken here. I feel like he is broken, but I am trying so hard to make sure that my kids don't think here is broken. Maybe I am fooling myself. But, Lissie - I am trying to make sure they are the happiest kids. As I am sure with many others here, I will put up with an awful lot to ensure that they are okay.
kissak - I have done okay not showing the girls my tears. Just a couple of times. D13 just starts crying with me so I try really hard....
W8ing Hi I feel bad for the kids as well I have seen mine cry and watch me cry as they put their little arms around me..sometimes I had to cry and they saw it I see no harm in allowing them to see real emotions in my original family, feelings were hidden and that was unhealthy my kids seem ok sometimes they have outbursts, I think they probably would even without H actions I find as time is going on and I am gaining more stability, my R with them is getting stronger I am no longer afraid to be the only real parent I have watched S6 struggle with asthma a few times this year and as I reached out to H to help, he wouldnt come..that is on him I am here..it will be enough for them and we never know what miraCLES the future may bring to reunite the family unit or create a better more intimate R with another There is still time to show our kids we have shown them that weve tried and it was partly for them they will know that peace its in Gods hand
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thanks, UD for your kind words. Change is inevitable - I am trying to change for the better - It is the only thing that I can control....
nephartiti - I think that guilt does play a huge role. But he hasn't shown interest in them in years. He goes to their stuff because he is expected to, not because he wants to. Even before all of this, I just thought that he would be a better dad....
Shades - do you think that one parent can make up for what the other parent doesn't do?
Anned - you know, I have asked both girls if they wanted to talk to someone. Both said no. D11 really is fine. D13 has even commented on how well she is doing and how this doesn't seem to affect her. D13 is very private and reserved. She refused to see someone and to force her would be a mistake. I did have her pediatrician talk to her privately and she told me that both girls recognize that this isn't their fault, and that they are both very well adjusted. She said that I should be proud of myself since the girls seem to be doing so well. She is D and said her kids weren't nearly that well adjusted. So I think that D13 is like me...she just gets sad sometimes and wants some answers.
Peace - my R with my kids is so much better. I am more patient, much more patient. I'm not really afraid of being the only parent - I am just sad that he is missing out on these terrific kid. It is hard for me to understand.... And you are right - my kids will eventually know that I tried. They are too young now, but they will eventually know my beliefs.
Your kids will definitly know you tried. They will respect you so much more for it.
Hope you are doing well this evening....
Take care.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
H barely acknowledges me when I go into work(something I am used to - I just smile).
The phone rings later at work and I answer it and someone says, hi - you're the one I want to talk to. I am silent because I don't know who it is (people confuse me with another person in the office all of the time). The caller says - it's me. I am still silent. He finally says - it's me (H's) name. I started laughing and said that I was sorry that I didn't recognize your voice (I really didn't recognize it).
He is at a store looking for help for Christmas gifts for D. He doesn't know what to do and is asking for my advice. Long story short, he takes pictures of the items and sends them to me so I can give my opinion. I help him make a decision.
He comes back to the office and calls me in his office so he can show me the purchases. And yes, they are expensive, big ticket items. He has truly become the Disneyland Dad.....Guilt...nothing but guilt.....
Later, when I am home, he calls. D11 has a competition in another city this weekend. He says he mistakenly got an extra hotel room and would I like it. I told him I would let him know tomorrow. About two weeks ago, he offered to get a room for me and I told him that if I wanted a room, I would get one (this sounds snotty - I was kind when I said it - along the lines of not sure what I was doing yet and if I needed one, I would make the arrangements). Now, today, an extra room is paid for and available.....
I just think it is wierd. Honestly, I can't believe he didn't just eat the cost of the extra room.
Tonight we had a sports banquet for D13. He shows up and comes up to me with nice small talk. I am, of course, pleasant and smiley....as usual.
The only thing that I read into this is that he wants something from me. I haven't spoken to him about the property distribution yet so I wonder when he will bring that up. I did notice that he had on a new designer shirt tonight.....food for thought when thinking about the property settlement....
I continue to be pleasant and will continue with this. It is more peaceful for me and helps me with my PMA.
And, even though it will be wierd...I think I will use the hotel room. Saves me a down and back trip in the same day....
