Yeah, I know. My communication has been flip-floppy. I recognize that him saying that means that I am getting out of control with my anger. Been doing DB long enough to understand what he's meaning. ;\) I just released a dam of detached/buried feelings over the weekend, and am still waiting on the floodwaters to go down...no excuse for being rude to him, I know.

He keeps checking on me. He is as concerned about my eating as I am. I do do this when extremely stressed, and experience tells me it'll get better over the next few days. If not, I will get some medication. I do need to gain some (healthy) weight, and xh was giving me suggestions for protein shakes and that sort of thing, since drinking appears to be easier than eating. I have already lost too much weight. Ugh.

We've been talking and talking and talking about all of this. xh seems to finally understand that lying was a big problem. He also claims to have not noticed that I was clearly into him again (??), but conversely says he didn't want to tell me because he was afraid he'd upset me. Then he says he didn't think I'd be this upset. WTF? Weird alien-babble, or what?

xh also insists he knows what he is doing. He did acknowledge that he "could" get really hurt by JD (um, hello?). He made some weird statements about letting him make his mistakes, that maybe it won't blow up (okay, maybe not, but the chances are not good), and then maybe it would but he "needed" to experience that kind of pain.

I told him part of my frustration with his denial about the whole thing, is that I am worried he's going to get badly hurt. And, even after everything, I don't want him to hurt like that. (Yes. Being honest. Although I would like for him to have the perspective, I genuinely don't wish this kind of pain on anyone.)

He still doesn't seem to understand why I thought we were playing married. I told that I hadn't wanted to push him for something he wasn't ready for, but that I had wanted to take a step in the direction of exploring the possibility of reconciliation. Just a step, no rush, no push. (And, yes, really, I wanted to take it slowly.) He seems to think it was more along the lines of friends with benefits.

Oh. So, no more denial that he's in an R with JD. I wonder if that realization will take some of the fun fantasy out of it. He admits he was in denial, because of her "situation". I just said, again, that she's married. He seems to get uncomfortable when I remind him that she's living with her husband, sharing a bed with her husband, and still intimate with her husband. Just get this "I don't worry about things I can't control" answer.

xh did sort of thank me for pushing all this over the past few days. Said he was feeling less like his head was in the sand. Weird, huh? He also said that he was sort of relieved that he didn't have to lie anymore. And that there was a lot of other things he wanted to talk to me about.

At least work has really ramped up...probably will help distract me, and bring my appetite back.

Azhira

my confusion