I'm in this limbo right now. Still living at home and sleeping in the same bed as the W. There is a certain "pleasantness" to her demeanor but not the warmth there used to be even a few months ago. I still get the morning hug as I leave, but it seems to be evolving towards the type of hug you give your sibling (perhaps in my head).
My fear/worry is that she is waiting to drop the second bomb on me post holidays. I keep thinking that perhaps we are just in this holding pattern until after the holidays because of the kids.
One part of me is dreading this and another is looking forward to progress to some sort of resolution to limbo it might represent.
I’m in quite a strange place. One thing is for sure, I’m learning patience. If you’d told me I could go 30 days without talking to W about the R I would have told you that it wouldn’t be possible just a short time ago. However, I don’t “like” being in this holding pattern but it is sure better than the alternative.
When the W dropped the bomb on me she asked for space. So, I’ve been trying to give her space. Well, for the past couple nights I’ve had to work late and haven’t been home before she went to bed. I also didn’t call because I figured that she didn’t want to be bothered.
Well, I was wrong.
The question is: How do I figure out the ground rules when I am trying not to discuss the R? And, what does "space" mean?
woog, as far as space is concerned, you have posted before that you were giving lots of space, no pursuring, no talking about r, no letters, etc. you sound like you are already doing all that. if w wants to talk about r. just validate, don't necessarily avoid it all costs. i think it depends on how she is approaching the r talk. i am no expert. re read dr. maybe that will clarify.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
i haven't read your whole sit, just the posts since yesterday. that sounds like something my H would say/does say. That he's just waiting for me to leave after the holidays. he knows it's coming. DON'T dwell on that. she may, she may not. You'll only find out if and when that happens. For now, keep that PMA about being happy you are sleeping in the same bed and getting your hugs in the morning.
As far as space goes, you'll probably never get it just right. As she (her moods and emotions) change, so will the amount of space she needs. You've been giving her lots of space, good for you. With the working late - she may have appreciated the space, but not the lack of a phone call. We get like that (yes, i mean women ) we live together, we want to know when you'll be home. We may not care when or that you're there are all, but we want to know. We want to know everything
I agree with craig on the R talks. read DR. i'm just starting, but that seems to be what everyone else says, so i say go with it!!
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
It's amazing how similar our situations are. You are right it is not easy to give them the space they want and at the same time try to figure out what we can and can't do or say. They really have us on a string I am afraid. Today I leaned over to kiss my wife on the neck instead of her. She seemed a little taken aback. Why is it when she decides to make a move it is fine but we have to walk on egg shells....yeajh i know, they are the waw. I also think we are on a holding pattern till after the holidays...I guess we are pessimists or realists. One thing about the holidays, it is a pretty emotional time and family oriented. Who knows? Our WAWs may find the holidays tougher than we will. I know that my plan (if things do not look up) is to go semi dark on the days when we will undoubtedly be apart. Like I said that is my plan...don't know if I will be able to go through with it. Time will tell what the future holds but we better prepare ourselves for the worst.
I'm a planner and problem solver by nature. So, I've turned that to looking towards a future on my own. I've been looking at houses in areas close to my current home. Thinking about what I would do differently with furniture, etc.
In some scary strange way it scares me that a part of me is looking forward to it. Maybe it's just a sign that some closure either way will feel better.
I haven't tried to kiss the W, hug her or anything. Any physical contact has been hers alone. Man do I miss it. She used to be very touchy feely. Cuddles, kisses, etc.
woog, i am a planner also, i looked around the town weeks ago to see what was available. my oldest daughter(25) got all over me about planning for something that may not happen. she said be careful for what you look for, you might find it. don't focus on something that far in the future. concentrate on db'ing now. because if you put effort into future you are taking away from your efforts to win your wife back now. just my opinin. as far as affection i feel like i am in the desert crawling for a drop of water. my affection bank is empty!!!!
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
However, given that my W wants space, I think my focus really needs to be to going dark and leaving her alone. My best discussions with her since the bomb where while I was out of town. I even got an ILY and I miss you over the phone. Haven't heard it since I got home.
Woog, I think we are on to something with this out of town stuff versus when we are home. There is a huge difference in attitude. I asked the WAW about it and her response was when we are apart she thinks back to the beginning of our relationship...I don't buy it. There has to be something else. Without sounding overly confident, both our WAWs are far from being sure that they want us out of their lives. it's too bad that neither of us (well let me take that back and only talk about me) it's too bad I don't have the ----s to call he bluff. My stepdaughter said the same thing to me this A.M. not the ----s part. She said that if her mother wanted this thing to end, it would have been done a while ago....My stepdaughter added that in her opinion she is afraid to loose everything WE have. We'll see if sh is right and if anta brings us renewed optimism for the future!
) we live together, we want to know when you'll be home. We may not care when or that you're there are all, but we want to know. We want to know everything 