f21 - you sound so great!! I am glad to see you looking forward to your future. Glad you are going to college, too. I did go and finished my 4 year degree - and I know it's not for everyone but I LOVE to always be learning. I actually cried the day my last class was over - and not happy tears like most people had. I was really sad that it was "over" and have always said if I win the Lotto I'd probably become a professional student.
Not to make it all about me.. just saying I think it's a great choice for you to at very least explore it!
You seem to be taking very good care of yourself - remember that marathon analogy, it helps a lot I think when you want it all "right now."
(((f21)))
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
You know, if you love to always be learning so much why not take a class here and there at a local college? I never was excited enough about any of the classes I read about in the programs they'd mail out, but when I went to the academic fair at this college here I learned about all sorts of other classes... such as a weekend Tai Ji workshop with an internationally reknowned Tai Ji Master, which you can actually get a couple credits for. I bet you could find some great cooking classes that may even be able to go toward another degree later. There are a lot of evening and weekend classes out there. I am excited. It's gonna be fun!
Hope you're having a good Friday. Have a great weekend!!!
(((((NikB)))))
Love, f21
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
What I know..... I need a car in order to work and/or go to school.(I've been shopping. I will get something very inexpensive for now.) I want to attend college starting Winter quarter.(working on that already) I want this limbo with my M to end.(Filing for D now) I need money to live on and to continue to pay my bills.(L says to hold off on working for now. Will wait for temporary spousal maintenance. Very antsy about getting some sort of job, but can't really do that without a car anyway.)
I am scheduled to see my L again Monday. We will make a few minor changes to the drafts he sent home with me. I've worked on them already and am feeling good about them. I hope the temporary orders are granted for me after we file this.
What is on my mind..... Talking with my H, and what I should discuss with him. (Haven't spoke with him since Nov. 6th, about his quit claim)
My L has really left me feeling like I should be talking with H about our finances at least. Though I don't understand what that could accomplish now, since H has NEVER interested in discussing this with me before. But it has still caused me to think about calling H or asking him if he'd be interested in talking. Of course, I need a solid plan beforehand and I don't have that quite yet.
Then H sent me a text message asking if I was going to call him. Interesting. "So. U going to CALL me sometime to straighten things out?" LOL. Nice, huh? Not sure what he has in mind to "straighten out". I texted him back awhile later and asked him what he was wanting to straighten out, and I also added that I'd email him the info on his bills that he needs to change his mailing address on and told him our auto insurance (for his truck) is an automatic withdrawal from our checking account (that he pulled all the money out of and says he's not going to be having his checks deposited into anymore).
He came back with "So not talking then. Great f21. Ur really adult." Okay, maybe he's drunk already. That is bad grammar even for him. I replied "Um, that's not the case. Not sure why u choose to act like u r but it doesn't help anything. Why would i expect u to be respectful on the phone when u aren't in TMs? I would love to talk with u. I'd need to know what we'd be discussing. I actually have some things i wouldn't mind talking with u about myself." No reponse from him after that. I have been consistent with the statement "I'd love to talk with you" and feel confident he knows what he needs to do to make it possible to talk with him.
He and I had exchanged some texts last night. Nothing big, just about a bill of his that comes to the house, but he seemed glad I communicated as much as I did with him (in a 'can't make up his mind whether he wants to be nice or mean to me' kind of way though, lol). He's still acting like a super bratty and angry teenager, but I continue to take the high road. He knew he had to stop arguing if he wanted me to continue to text with him because he said as much himself, so I had ended that TM exchange with a simple "Thank you." He is very slow at figuring out what he needs to do to open up the door to communication. Even on Thanksgiving after I was nice enough to TM good wishes to him he bombarded me with angry TMs afterwards. I'd just ignored them.
He's said (in TMs over the last week or so) he's still feeling "hurt" I didn't help him (by signing that quit claim) and thinks I was a jerk not to. I haven't bothered trying to defend myself or explain my decision because he hasn't seemed interested in that. Even though it's completely logical, he says I could've "helped him out" if I wanted to. He's not reasonable, he just wants whatever he wants. No apologies for how he's treated me over this last month, he just acts like it's my fault, like his behavior is warranted. I'm not taking it personally, I know it's abusive on his part and I'm not going to play the role of victim for him.
From a business perspective, I was thinking it could maybe help me to talk with him. Of course, I know it's likely that is what he's thinking too. I guess it might just provide some formal closure with him. I don't need it, but I'd know I made the effort before surprising him with D papers. I could talk to him about our finances, and try to help him understand why I could not sign that quit claim because of our financial situation being what it is right now. Any thoughts or tips would be greatly appreciated!!
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
1. Drop any further talk of the quit claim - you do NOT owe him an explanation, he is being a whiny little brat about not getting his way, and if he brings it up all you need to say is "I wasn't comfortable signing it given the information I had" and drop the rope by not discussing or responding further even if he tries (which there is a good chance he will). Even if it means simply clamming up and saying nothing while he asks you if you're still on the phone.
2. As far as discussing the finances, simply give it the old college try (no pun intended ). Speak with him or even text him with "I'd like to discuss finances with you regarding our divorce" and go from there. Either he'll be willing or he won't, you really don't have anything to lose in that respect. And, if he agrees but only so he can try and switch the subject to other things, like the quit claim, go back to the silent treatment.
The bottom line is, you sound like you're in a really good frame of mind, especially with the road you're heading down. You are in a position to no longer let HIM dictate how things will go. You can give him the opportunity to participate in the process so you can try to work things out as amicably as possible, but if he doesn't take that opportunity than proceed on your own. Again, there is a solid possibility that he will pull out the stops via tantrums, berating/insulting you, or otherwise verbally abusing you to try and strongarm his way to get what HE wants. Do your best to ignore that, it's just BS.
And, I haven't had the impression throughout this that he's a physical threat to you, despite the police report, but stay aware of things just in case.
You're doing great - keep up that fantastic attitude and you'll continue to do great!
Kev
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall." -Confucius
"God alone decides the contest; but we must put our shoulders to the wheel." -Adm. D.G. Farragut
Kevin-38; XW-36 M-2.5, together 4 Bomb-1/6/07; D-6/27/07
Great to hear from you, brotha. Hope all is well with you.
Thanks for your advice. You are so good with this.
Quote:
1. Drop any further talk of the quit claim - you do NOT owe him an explanation, he is being a whiny little brat about not getting his way, and if he brings it up all you need to say is "I wasn't comfortable signing it given the information I had" and drop the rope by not discussing or responding further even if he tries (which there is a good chance he will). Even if it means simply clamming up and saying nothing while he asks you if you're still on the phone.
Agreed. No problemo. I won't bring it up. (And I haven't before now either.) And I'll just go silent after that. That part is hard for me to stick to, but I like a challenge.
Quote:
2. As far as discussing the finances, simply give it the old college try (no pun intended ). Speak with him or even text him with "I'd like to discuss finances with you regarding our divorce" and go from there. Either he'll be willing or he won't, you really don't have anything to lose in that respect. And, if he agrees but only so he can try and switch the subject to other things, like the quit claim, go back to the silent treatment.
lol, on the old college try. I love your suggestion for what to tell him I want to speak with him about. I'll probably use that. I was thinking that he may not even be serious about wanting to D himself, as he'd only said that in an email when he wasn't getting what he wanted, so he may be a little surprised... but then again, maybe just relieved. Now, the silent treatment is hard for me like I said. I mean, I can do that at first but then I usually crack. I may have to then simply end the call, but I'll see how long I can go. I really appreciate how detailed your suggestions are because they truly help prepare me. You're awesome! Thank you.
Quote:
The bottom line is, you sound like you're in a really good frame of mind, especially with the road you're heading down. You are in a position to no longer let HIM dictate how things will go. You can give him the opportunity to participate in the process so you can try to work things out as amicably as possible, but if he doesn't take that opportunity than proceed on your own. Again, there is a solid possibility that he will pull out the stops via tantrums, berating/insulting you, or otherwise verbally abusing you to try and strongarm his way to get what HE wants. Do your best to ignore that, it's just BS.
Thanks! I'm not sure how much of a choice I'm giving him right now though. I'll be asking for the same thing regardless. That's why I'm a bit confused about the L thinking we should discuss our finances. But I still get ya. It would be nice if this could be more peaceful. We don't need to waste money on the Ls fighting over everything.
Yeah, I'm not feeling threatened at this point. My L has advised me to wait to change the locks until at least after I've filed, and I'm fine with that. I may feel differently when I know he's going to be served. I will be wise. I may just go stay at my parents' around that time.
Attitude is everything, no?
I have been using my wood stove all week, because my gas furnace is having an issue. Hopefully it's not a major repair. It's so nice that I have the option of putting that further down the list of priorities right now. I actually came to quickly enjoy the heat from the fire vs. keeping the thermostat at 62. I prefer 72, and sure like it even warmer. I think the dogs do too. I've even been sleeping on the couch in the room where the stove is so I am nice and warm... and I've been sleeping really good. It's a lot more work but it's been kinda fun. We're supposed to have snow tomorrow. Hope so. Would love to build a snowman with the neighbor kids. Anywho, all is good here.
Thanks again, Kman. (((((Kev)))))
Love, f21
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
Kev is right. Listen to everything that he posted to you!!!!!
Ok, I could end right there but I have to say my piece first. He's feeling hurt that you didn't help him out? WTF? Did you get that? Did it jump right out at you and hit you between the eyes? Cause it did me and I'm still seeing stars! That one comment says it all. It really doesn't matter that you put your life on hold for him, or that financially you are in Limbo, or (most importantly) that he cheated on you and broke your heart. Does he not see the hurt that his actions have caused to you? If he were normal, or had a conscience, he would be ashamed of himself for writing that. Thing is he is neither of those thing. He is so self-centered that all he thinks about is himself and what he wants. I know that with your big soft heart getting to a place of understanding has been tough, but you've done so well with that. Sometimes I read this junk and it's like a bizarro world. Almost as if he the tables were turned in his mind and you were the one who caused this. I'm only saying these things to you because when you write this junk I see a very parallel situation between us.
Why oh why would your lawyer ever advise you to talk to him on a 1 on 1? He's a master manipulator and I see no good outcome from that. The only way he will "do the right thing" is if he is ordered to. So if you want to know exactly where you stand make it legal.
If you think that it is easy for me to write this and to say this stuff about your ex, it isn't. Actually it hurts. For so long I wanted to believe that my husband was in there somewhere, and even though everyone had an opinion, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. In the end, I was the one with the blinders on. If they are ever to "see the light" it will only be because we stopped enabling them and buying into their crap!
Love you Sweetie and only wanted to see you have the best. You are so worth it!
Sadly, it seems quite common that cheating S's have little if any concept of how their actions have been immoral or hurtful at all! I got lines like "I've always been completely honest with you, accept about this A" Wow, how petty of me to overlook all those years of honesty! I should be ashamed of myself I also got "how can you not trust me?" when I told her I wasn't leaving my home until i had an SA in place, I would not take even the slightest chance of losing my girls by leaving without an SA. I think they just can't deal with the reality of what they've done to another person, the person they pledged to love forever etc. It's too much so they act as though it just didn't happen and say stupid things endlessly. hey, we used to have a thread titled "the stupidest thing your S ever said about the A" it was filled with gems! Take care and let these idiodic statements go in one ear and out the other, as hard as it is.
I'm sorry reading that post pi$$ed you off so much, but thanks for caring so much about me.
Here, have some oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and coffee with me. They are fresh out of the oven and I just pressed the coffee. I know you like your oatmeal. Are you a dark chocolate fan?
The snow started falling here, but hasn't been much. My Mom and Dad just dropped off some more wood for me, since they were coming to town anyway. Dogs are now napping after the excitement.
Yes, Kev is a smart man. So lucky to get his advice. My L, well, I don't know what he's thinking when he suggests I talk with H at all. I like him, but he doesn't fully understand my sitch yet obviously. It's hard to grasp the reality of a person like my H when you give people the benefit like my L does. We can relate, no? Maybe I should ask my C to write my L a letter. I don't waste time repeating myself or telling "H stories" and I try to be as flexible and open-minded as I can, so I probably don't speak up as much as I should be. I've told him what I felt was important and what he's asked about, and that included the fact that he is very manipulative. But I'll bet ya he thinks I just feel that way.
Quote:
He's feeling hurt that you didn't help him out? WTF? Did you get that? Did it jump right out at you and hit you between the eyes? Cause it did me and I'm still seeing stars! That one comment says it all. It really doesn't matter that you put your life on hold for him, or that financially you are in Limbo, or (most importantly) that he cheated on you and broke your heart. Does he not see the hurt that his actions have caused to you? If he were normal, or had a conscience, he would be ashamed of himself for writing that.
Yep, I completely agree. It doesn't make me too mad or hurt but it amazes me. It is so crazy, I just shake my head. It's just so typical of him. It's all about him... everything. He actually said I should be ashamed of myself for not helping him after all he's done for me. lol! In his mind he thinks he helped me out so much over this last year. Yeah, you read that right. He thinks he provided more financial support than I would've been getting had he D me. I don't. Besides being messed up in the head, he might feel like that because he kept his paychecks going into our joint account... but in reality he was spending so much of that it wasn't even covering the bills. He's also forgetting the fact that he'd told me consistently that he wasn't wanting to D before now. Whatever though. I did my best. There are things I could've done different and better but it was my best.
Quote:
Thing is he is neither of those thing. He is so self-centered that all he thinks about is himself and what he wants. I know that with your big soft heart getting to a place of understanding has been tough, but you've done so well with that. Sometimes I read this junk and it's like a bizarro world. Almost as if he the tables were turned in his mind and you were the one who caused this. I'm only saying these things to you because when you write this junk I see a very parallel situation between us.
True, he is not normal nor does he have a healthy conscience. It really has been a LOOOOONG road to get to where I am today. I didn't want to believe this about him. I always had hope. Too much hope. I realize it was denial, really. Not that I have no hope for him now, but it feels like it in comparison. He needs serious help and I think he knows it. This is normal for him to make excuses and blame while he's making poor decisions. He usually ends up coming out the other side acting extremely remorseful to me, but it's been a long string of bad choices.... and they've gotten worse over time... he hasn't seemed to learn from his mistakes, the stakes have only grown.... it's too risky for me at this point in my life. The "responsibility" I thought he had taken in the past usually didn't felt real, because it probably wasn't. As you know, he was likely just doing that to weasel his way back in and wasn't truly remorseful... only sad, sorry, and "taking the blame" because he wasn't getting away with everything he wanted to. This stuff used to truly confuse me and lead to me feeling unsure of myself. You probably know exactly what I'm talking about.
I won't be surprised if he comes back begging for me to give him yet another chance. He always has. I am finally breaking away from this unhealthy R, and man. It's so weird, life. It is all so much more clear to me now. I don't need to save this M. When I stayed at my parents' over Thanksgiving I had quite a few dreams that brought me back to high school. While I have worked on myself throughout the years things in my childhood have made more and more sense, but lately it's like I'm almost done putting the puzzle together. That feels good.
Well, so far I'm lucking out because H has yet to reply with any answer on what it is he's wanting to straighten out with me. I figure everything is getting straightened out for him as far as "we" are concerned anyway, since I am filing. He can thank me later.
Quote:
If you think that it is easy for me to write this and to say this stuff about your ex, it isn't. Actually it hurts. For so long I wanted to believe that my husband was in there somewhere, and even though everyone had an opinion, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. In the end, I was the one with the blinders on. If they are ever to "see the light" it will only be because we stopped enabling them and buying into their crap!
Thanks so much, Beth. I know exactly what you mean and feel the same way. I'm so thankful I finally stopped enabling and buying into my H's crap. I think I've finally freed myself because of it. I have faith they will see the light if and when it is the plan for them to.
Here's to our lives! Only the best for us.
Lots of love, f21
(((((Bethie)))))
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
Wow, how petty of me to overlook all those years of honesty! I should be ashamed of myself
No kidding!!! What's wrong with you?!! You're such a jerk! Ha.
I've gotten all those trust and honesty lines too, including with "except (this or that)" added to the end. Funny stuff. It is definitely the lying that I think is the worst and what could be the sign of more of a character issue, imho. Yep, my H was consistently telling me "you need to just trust me", "I'd never screw you over", with the quit claim issue recently. HA! Good for you for standing firm on the SA before you moved out. At least we were provided with some good laughs in the midst of all this.
Thanks for posting.
Peace and love, f21
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
It is pretty nasty weather here. I still have power but its out in some places and city roads are even flooded. They had to close down the highway my Mom uses to get to and from work (it goes through some hills that are in the middle of nowhere), so she will most likely be staying with me tonight. She is lucky she made it through safely this morning, and that was only after she waited for a couple trees to be moved off the roads just to make it the first mile or two. She'd called me while she was driving and said it was like a river running down the median, which is quite wide and would hold a lot of water... and then she saw they were turning people around as she emerged from the hills. Glad my Dad has a generator. Their power is out and he may be flooded in soon so who knows when they'll get that back on, but he always stays because he's got the cows to feed and water.
I just got back home a bit ago from a rather wet walk to the bus stop and back. My L had left a voicemail on my cell while I was walking, asking to reschedule for Wednesday morning because his assistant was home dealing with a roof problem. I'm glad I got the message before getting on the bus. My jeans from my knees down were pretty soaked already, so I wasn't bummed I could just go back home then. That's 2 more days till I can get these papers filed though. Must be meant to be.
Hope you're all safe and sound out there.
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
I am excited. It's gonna be fun!
I guess it might just provide some formal closure with him. I don't need it, but I'd know I made the effort before surprising him with D papers. I could talk to him about our finances, and try to help him understand why I could not sign that quit claim because of our financial situation being what it is right now. Any thoughts or tips would be greatly appreciated!!
). Speak with him or even text him with "I'd like to discuss finances with you regarding our divorce" and go from there. Either he'll be willing or he won't, you really don't have anything to lose in that respect. And, if he agrees but only so he can try and switch the subject to other things, like the quit claim, go back to the silent treatment.
Funny stuff. It is definitely the lying that I think is the worst and what could be the sign of more of a character issue, imho. Yep, my H was consistently telling me "you need to just trust me", "I'd never screw you over", with the quit claim issue recently. HA! Good for you for standing firm on the SA before you moved out. At least we were provided with some good laughs in the midst of all this.