Pieces are Coming Together

[Torchbearer]

I don't know that I can give advice, but I can give you my observations and opinion. It sounds like your W is succumbing to a lot of family pressure. It sounds like she is willing to work on M/R and reconcile with you, but that she has some issues of her own to work out yet. I take it she is close with her family? Has she felt pressured by them in the past?

I think that under the circumstances I would take advantage of a private moment with her and let her know that you understand the pressures she is feeling. Tell her that you feel she still needs to sort out her priorities (family or M) and that you are more than willing to work on your M with her, but she needs to be committed. At the same time let her know that you understand how difficult her situation is. Let her know that you understand how important her family is to her. If her sister or mom is guilting her about the money for the D proceedings, talk with her about it and maybe come up with a plan that you both pay her mom back over time. Shows her that you're willing to work on M and that you respect her and her family. Validate, validate, validate.

Trust is a tough thing and it will make it next to impossible to gain back if you think that the next time her mom or sister interfere that she won't be strong enough to stand up to them. If she in her heart wants to come back and work on things she needs to stand up and say so. Being wishy-washy doesn't help the situation. Unfortunately if you tell her that she needs to stand up to her family she will most likely get defensive. Be careful and tactful on how you word what you say. Tell her that you support her and encourage her to be strong. Let her know that she needs to look inside herself without the help of others and make up her mind on her own what she wants out of life. If it is to come back and work on your M great. It takes a lot of courage to stand up for what you believe in and go against outside pressures. I would also stress that you both need to go slow, rediscover what you love about each other, date. Ask her on a date where she truly has the option to say no. If she accepts act like you did when you were dating. Dress to impress, wear a little cologne if so inclined, pick her up at her place, treat her like a lady, pay for everything. Don't expect a kiss good night unless she initiates it. If you both had a good time risk it and ask her if she'd like to go out again. The key is really to show her that she has the option to decline. It gives her control. It is frustrating being in limbo, but at the same time the dating can be kind of fun.

Don't talk about her moving home unless she brings it up first. And even then I would tell her that you think you should wait . . . until more trust is established, until you are both sure that this is definitely the right thing to do, that you both still need some time to work on things, that moving back too quickly would make it too easy to fall back into your old patterns. It is hard, but I believe it will be worth the wait - that's where I am right now.

Encourage her, validate her, tell her you have faith in her decisions, let her feel in control (something her family isn't giving her), praise her for her courage and her strength. Do not use guilt or blame. Do not put her in a position where she feels she needs to get defensive.

Okay, that ended up sounding like advice. Oh well. Good luck and keep me posted on what's up. Where's your thread?

P.S. That was really good for me. It put some perspective out there for my sitch too.