WAW says "I'm filing for D", but no papers

[SirPrizeMe]

No, there is not a long waiting period where I live. Where we used to live there is a long waiting period. Fate conspires against me. It's so horrible to look at then, and now.

How did all this happen!??!!?!? How did I GET HERE??!?!?

She throws a bomb into our lives with the affair, destroys my relationship with my best friend, walks away from our marriage, pushes me out of my house, rips away my children, all while I am far away from my hometown, and then she demonizes me for being upset. What planet is she from?

You're so right that I cannot push open the door to her heart. I can see that. But I despair. I. Miss. My. Old. Life.

Get a life? I don't want to get a new life. I had a life I liked. I want my own kids back.

I know it's gone. It's gone. I know it, and yet I haven't accepted that.

I'm a mess.

Sometimes I wish she would just disappear. It would have been better if she had abandoned all of us, run off with that sonuvab*tch.

"miracles can happen"
You know I considered talking to a DB coach, but sometimes I think this whole save-your-marriage approach seems to be what is standing between me and acceptance. All my efforts - clinging, longing, desiring my family, all not DBing - all these efforts have made it worse. I should have held the door open for her when she dropped the bomb. If only. If only I had been strong enough then. Could have saved a lot of time and pain.

And still I'm weak.

[Heimlich]

We're all a mess. We all want our families/lives back. You're not weak for being able to accept all the shyte your W is giving you and still loving her.

However, you've gotta accept where you are.

If you want to call your kids; call them. If you want to see them more often, do so -- as time permits.

Drop the rope. Stop arguing with your W about the D. For practical purposes, you ARE divorced. You're legally married. That's it. Wrap your head around that. Accept it. Then, yeah, get a life. Do your own thing. What makes you happy? What do you want out of life that's NOT related to wanting your W?

The other thing that struck me is that your W is living in a fantasy world regarding finances. At a minimum, and I've no practical advice for how to do this, you've got to figure out some way to get her to own up to some financial obligations. She wants a divorce, but she still has access to all of your money and is using those funds to go on weekend getaways. BS. Just because you want your marriage to work, doesn't mean you have to let her walk all over you and that strikes me as walking all over you.

You've also said your W has accused you of being controlling. Are you? Look at it from her point of view, not yours. Really think about how your behavior got her to where she is. That's not an excuse for her A, but, as everyone says, an A is a sign of something wrong. What was wrong? I admit to speed reading, so I may have missed it, but I didn't see much about your contributions to where you are now.

I also see a lot of anger towards your W. Justifiable, sure. She hurt you a lot. Helpful? No, especially if it's bleeding over. You are blaming her for everything, it seems. Figure out your role (again, apologies if I missed that in your first two pages; haven't read in detail yet).

Just a few thoughts before the caffeine kicks in. Hope that makes some sort of sense.

Oh, yeah:

but sometimes I think this whole save-your-marriage approach seems to be what is standing between me and acceptance. All my efforts - clinging, longing, desiring my family, all not DBing - all these efforts have made it worse.

Every save your marriage book I've read says [Cliffnotes version]: focus on yourself. make yourself happy. leave them alone. maybe they'll come back, maybe not. They WILL NOT come back to a person not happy with themselves.

BD

[limbo]

(((((SIR))))

It does really suck, and its the hardest thing any of us have had to go through!
Its ok to mourn, its ok to be sad, just don't let it consume you, I know that is so hard, because your life is falling apart, but hold onto the fact that you are a strong Man you have fought hard, and are still prepared to fight!
So even if you don't save your marriage in the long run you will be good, because you are strong! You can face anything!
Focus on you and your kids, and let your wife do what she is going to do, you can't control her or what she is doing. You can only control what you do and how you react.

[SirPrizeMe]

Limbo, Heimlich,
you guys are good for me.

you're soooo right:

• wife is in fantasy world on finances. You know, I didn't mean for it to turn out this way, but I left the house. Several weeks later we scheduled a conversation at a coffee shop to discuss finances. The context was - Sir is out of the house and needs money. All Sir's money goes to the house (and the other house where none of us live - not important now). What do we do? She arrived to this meeting and dropped her attorney's card on the table before sitting down. This was Nov 8th. So far, still, no papers.
  
  I have to take a boatload of credit on this one, though, because I am not insisting. She's upped the ante to ... if you force me to change my financial arrangement, then I want a divorce. And... I backed down! ha. Advice on that one?
  
  If we were in therapy I feel like this could be a good negotiating topic, but she is not willing to do that. for now anyway. Refuses joint counseling.
• I am sad and angry. True, but not always. Maybe I always write when sad and angry and not when not. Maybe I am just grumpy lately. But yes, I do have good times, too. For example I spent Sunday with my kids, actually I think I did write about this... I ran races with my 5 yr old in a park, and smiled and played and tossed the football with my boys... I laughed until my sides hurt. I thought, gee it's been a long time since I laughed that hard. It was true joy just hanging with them. My D9 was sort of mopey, she wore the wrong shoes and couldn't run. And even that gave me joy. I just hugged her and walked with her and empathized and just sharing her mopeyness was a treasure to me. I didn't try to convince her she shouldn't be mopey. Heck I would be mopey too if my shoes kept falling off when I ran.
  
  Other stuff; I went mountain biking on Thanksgiving weekend. I love to ride and in fact, the OM was my #1 riding buddy. Twice a week at least, we'd ride together, it was a great passion of mine. Since we've moved, I still haven't built up my riding buddy network again. I ride, but less, and often alone. Anyway on Saturday I went on a ride, and it was a blast. (I've still got it, by the way). Since I was locked out of my house it was a bit of a challenge just to get my bike, but I got it, and had a blast.
• I am blaming her. Yes! You are so right. I do take credit for my part in what got us here. How oblivious was I, that she was in love with my best friend? How careless was I? How inattentive? And that is not just during the course of the affair, it happened over the course of years. I totally missed it. and I deeply regret it. But now I don't want to continue those errors. I Want to fix this stuff. But .. She's gone and not willing to go to counseling now. So yeah, you're right, I'm blaming her for that part of it AND YET, I see that you are also right that it is just not helpful. This is the bad Sir, victim Sir, weak Sir, who wants to point fingers and refuses to accept reality and responsibility.
• I need to see if I am controlling. I looked for this and did not see it in our history, although I have absolutely acted that way since I found out about the affair. I forced her to change her cellphone #, because he knew the number, and it was not possible to block an incoming call on a wireless phone. I forced her to block his email from her email account. I forced her to put a call block on our home phone. This was all in the first 3 days. I Was not like this in the past. She had a $400? $700? phone bill one month and I suspected nothing. I did not interrogate. She told it was just a billing error and I believed her. I don't now, and never have, investigated things like credit card records or checking account transactions. We always had a joint bank account. I don't monitor her schedule or calendar, and never did. I don't criticize her choice of friends, and never have. (One exception: OM). When it is time to visit "her" family, I don't stay home or avoid contact. I join in. I don't criticize her choice of clothing. She runs the finances in the family, always has. We've never argued about money, how much she spends on this or that.
  
  She would not agree with all of this. She has told me, now, that I try to control her friends, that I try to keep her away from her family, that I am controlling her thoughts. The incident where I said "why didn't you call?" when she came home late. That seems like a thing a husband ought to be able to say. Seems to me, that blew up because she was with OM, not because I was controlling.
  
  Having said that, sometimes I occupy too much territory I think. For example, I do dishes. I do laundry. I wash floors and clean toilets. I do all my own ironing. I vaccum. I clean out the fridge. I sew buttons back on my shirts. I changed diapers, made bottles, and blew noses when we were in that time. I also do plumbing, yardwork, wash cars, and the garage is my domain. Maybe what I really need to do is just draw a line around my territory and let her have her space, her own thing. Living with my (married) friend, I noticed that in their fridge there was a jar of pickles that was a year old. I said to my friend, why don't you throw this out? He said, "that's not my job." In my house, no job was not my job. I always felt like, if it needed doing, I'll do it. Maybe that's too much. But at best this seems like an aggravating factor, not a primary one.
  
  Also I am not sure about this because the couple I stay with uses household work as a scorecard against each other, and my marriage was never like that. I didn't keep track of who ran the vaccum last week, etc.
  
  Anyway I have to keep looking at the controlling thing.
• I need to drop the rope. I am resolved. I just stopped. Right now.

[SirPrizeMe]

Hey here are some things that made me feel good today.

• work is going well. New project, big new investment, and I am getting a bunch of new people working for me. My management chain made the announcement this morning. People are congratulating me on my expanded responsibilities. This is great for my ego.
• This morning when I walked into the office, a co-worker told me, "Wow, Sir, you have that sunshine smile." I didn't realize. Cool! And this was pre-caffeine!
• I walked into a meeting, already in progress, and three people notice me smiling again. "Why the big smile?" I have no idea. I wasn't consciously trying to smile. Anyway it's nice to be noticed.
• one of the women in the meeting said, "do you have any kids?" Twang! go the heartstrings. "Four!" I say. She replies, "do they all have your dimples?" !!! Heh heh. That's nice to hear. So then I showed her the picture of me my kids from Halloween, with all of us smiling.
• my attorney did not call me today! hee hee! still no papers.

Anyway, those are some of the good things that happened today, that made me feel good.

Later this evening I'm off to individual counseling.

[SirPrizeMe]

I was served my divorce papers served today.

Even after all I have been through, it is difficult for me to read...

"Petition for Dissolution of Marriage"

with my name on the document.

[SirPrizeMe]

Accept them immediately?

or delay?

[Heimlich]

OK, the mandatory, that sucks.

Now, what good would delaying do beyond ticking off your W?

BD

[Pudmuddle]

I'm sorry to hear that Sir. I don't know what to say.:(

I only know if it was me, I would delay. But perhaps someone else who has gotten this far has better advice...

[mako]

Sorry Sir, this sucks. I have no idea whether delaying is right or not...

The one bright side...now this isn't being held over your head anymore. If she wants this, now she can deal with the financial reality of it.