a question of rings

[BryanS]

My W and I are piecing but still geographically separated due to work. 400ish miles apart so we have separate homes.

Early in the separation, my W took her wedding band off (never had an engagement ring because we eloped on a spur of the moment) and started wearing it on her right hand. I continued to wear mine. After doing the Retrovaille weekend we were able to talk about that, about her not wearing her ring. She maintains that she will not put it back on because there's too many bad feelings associated with it. I need to buy her an engagement ring and she will wear that.

I felt VERY foolish wearing my ring when she refused to wear hers (I got questions from my friends and family that I didn't want to talk about) so I stopped. 2 weeks ago, we talked about the rings again and she repeated her position that she would not put her band back on, that I had to get her a new engagement ring as a symbol of our restart. She also said it did not bother her that I was not wearing mine.

Last weekend, she reversed course and said it does bother her that I'm not wearing mine and that she thinks it's spiteful. I'm seeing her again this weekend and I need some advice.

I understand her wanting a new ring and am fully on board with making that happen. That's not an issue. What is an issue is that until I get the new ring, she's not wearing anything to show she's married. Oh and she just started a new job this week.

Am I being ridiculous? I understand her statements about the ring being associated with painful memories. However, it seems to me that if it's OK for her to go without hers, why is it not OK for me to go without mine? I do want to put mine back on but those feelings of foolishness are still there and will continue to be there until she wears hers again.

I guess what I keep coming back to is that either we're married or we're not. The legal separation is over so we're married. If we are, we should at least try to act like it and for me that means both of us wearing our rings to show that we belong to each other.

[SallyM]

I guess the way I see it is if I were you, I would go ahead and wear the ring...it isn't a tit for tat kind of thing, you are married, you feel married, you want to be married, so wear your ring.

on the other hand, if a new ring is that important to her, I'd probably be out shopping, too. that seems like a win-win situation for you...she'll wear a ring, and she won't have a bad association with it like she apparently does with her original band.

don't get me wrong, I do understand feeling foolish wearing it when she doesn't. my h took his off and I was fine wearing mine for a long time...I felt like it was symbolic of me wanting to still be married. but when I realized he didn't want to be married to me any longer, that he was gone and most likely not coming back, in fact was living with ow, well, then yeah, I felt foolish and took them off. I miss them. yes, I know I could still wear them, we are still married even if he is gone. but the meaning behind them is gone. for you, it seems like you are still married and both of you are trying. and it seem like its a strong symbol to your w that you wear one...my h wasn't bothered at all when I took mine off, your w is. big difference.

good luck with whatever you decide!

[ediemarie]

Is there any better way to start a weekend then to surprise one lucky lady with a diamond?

[Dom R]

seconded.
go with the solution that will make both of you happy. get her a new ring today. then she can wear hers, and you can wear yours, without further arguments.

[BryanS]

Thanks as always for the suggestions guys. I need the sanity checks. I forgot to mention that she stated she's not ready for a new ring yet. She wants one when the time is right but now apparently is not the right time.

Is there anything more confusing than a WAS?

[Dom R]

then wear your ring, and tell her that if she's unhappy with you wearing yours, without her wearing hers... that her not wearing one is her decision; you will go with her and get her one any time.

[Ophelia]

I agree with the others. If you want to wear your ring, wear your ring, and if she makes an issue of it just say (calmly) that it's your decision to wear it, and that's just as valid as her decision not to wear hers.

For the record, I'm still wearing mine even though H is living with OW, (and her kid) and the only contact I've had with him over the past year has been the ocassional email, (last Christmas Eve was the last time I saw him or actually spoke to him because he's been avoiding me ever since). I've had to switch the rings to my right hand, purely because I injured my left ring finger and now the rings won't go back on over the knuckle, but nevertheless I'm still wearing them. It's my way of telling everyone that despite it all, I'm still standing for my M.