I am a newcomer and I read your thread with great interest since you are probably the only affair spouse who has his own thread.
My H and I have been married 10 years and have a 6 yr old daughter. We have been separated for over 6 months. My H had an affair that lasted over 1.5 years. For the first 6 mos I had no idea about it, and the rest of the time he was lying and telling me it was over, but secretly continuing to see the OW. I think I ended it because I contacted the OW and found out the truth, blew apart all the lies and hopefully made her go away.
I want to ask you to explain to me how you can want your wife back after everything you've been through with the OW? What is making you try so hard to get her back? What would you say or do (if she let you) to make her believe that you are sincere after all the lies you told and after everything you've done to her?
I'm asking you this because my H is now in the same place you are - he's telling me he wants me back, that he made a terrible mistake and he doesn't want to lose me. He says he never stopped loving me.
I was ready to end our marriage and now I just don't know what to believe, what to trust. I don't know if I'm willing to take that chance, to open myself up to being hurt again. The affair nearly drove me crazy, brought me to the darkest place I could ever imagine being and I am only now feeling like my feet may be on solid ground. How can I (and how can your wife) put myself in a situation that could bring me back to that level of pain and suffering, no matter how much I love my husband?
What would you say to her if you could?
Well, I would say to you first that I have read the D-remedy and D-Busting and I realize my own flaws and faults. I have learned that forgiveness and trust are decisions, or better yet, gifts that one can give to another. I have thought long and hard about our vows and what they really mean, for better or for worse. This has definately been WORSE for her and me.
It was my decision alone to have an affair. I did so because I felt I had totally lost myself and was with a spouse who did not know how or care to love me. At the time she found out, I asked why should I not divorce her after all of the times I had begged to go to counseling before the affair. She said because she accepted responsibility for her part in setting the conditions and she had now had her ah-ha moment. Now, the roles are reversed and I am asking for a start because I have had mine. I am saying the same thing she said in the past. Here is my point.
We have kids, we don't do drugs, we are not abusive and we don't hurt each other. While infidelity is more despicable and socially unnacceptable, the bottom line is we both hurt each other and there is no scale for measuring hurt. We have never fought together and tried to begin anew, smarter. We have two beautiful children together. I love my wife and I took her for granted. I played the victim and blamed her and did not take responsibility for my own life and actions. She is a new person now, no longer the same person she was before. Well, you know what, so is your husband and so am I. I am looking for my wife to believe in me, just look at me and ask me to prove to her that I am faithful. I have been desperate for some expectations from her. They say secrets are what kills relationships, and right now with her not talking to me I feel there are secrets and it is killing me. I have no idea what she is thinking and/or doing. I know it was wrong of me to lie to her. I did not make a living doing it.
Why should you fight, because if you fast forward thirty years and think of your family......if you have remained together this time in your life during the affair will be dark, but relatively short, a bump in the rode. I hope and pray that my wife and I can tear apart every piece of our lives together and know each other forwards and backwards. That is what I want and all I have ever wanted. It is a priviledge to fight for my wife. She deserves to be chased....why does it matter to anyone why I should want to work so hard? All I want to do is to make her happy, make her life be all that she deserves. I know how to love her and love myself now. What are you afraid of......finding you really love your husband, being vulnerable....or getting hurt again? He wants desperately to talk to you, for you to understand, and for you to begin the healing process together. That is what I want from my wife.
That is what I would say and I hope your husband would say to you.
