What a good year this has been.....

[forever21]

If you couldn't tell, I'm excited about that college and the idea of going full-time. That's what I'm thinking I should do right now.

Yesterday when I met with my L it was not sounding so hopeful for me to be able to go back to school. He told me it was looking like either bankruptcy so I could go to school, or just start working. (The week before he'd told me to talk with my C about what he thought would be my quickest path to independence, school or work. My C said definitely school, and went on to tell me I was worrying too much about the finances even though he knows the situation.) I left there feeling a little lost and overwhelmed, didn't know what to do. I know my L was probably just brainstorming with me and preparing me for what a judge might say (that I don't have the "luxury" of going to school... as if it's a luxury), but it wasn't reassuring that he didn't know what my solutions were. He seemed stumped himself.

Lots of tough decisions with pros and cons to each, all affecting the other it seemed. It didn't help that I was then downtown without a car, because I'd taken a bus to the appointment. Wouldn't be a big deal to someone who is used to using public transportation I figure, but I'm not totally used to it. It's all good though. Everything... every single challenge... has been for good reason and has opened doors.

After I relaxed at a coffee shop for a bit and vented to and talked with a couple friends by phone, I went into this state career center and talked with a nice gal there. She was a good connection for me, including personally. I then forced myself to continue with my plan for the afternoon and made the visit to the college. I am SOOO glad I did.

I talked with some different faculty and then I started to look at this all a little differently. Two particular folks really helped me ask myself... Why was I going to leave it up to some judge to decide whether I could go to school or not? That's not right. I deserve the opportunity to make a good living. I supported my H through two careers after passing up a Stanford education for myself to stay with him, and he's making a decent salary and working in a job he loves. I'm thinking about just applying and saying that I am going to college... rather than leaving it up in the air, and thus as a choice for someone else to make. I don't see why I could not work also while I'm going to school, as long as I don't take too heavy a load. And maybe I go one quarter and decide it was all I needed to give me the jump start I could use. I can always go to school part-time then.

I'm supposed to schedule my next appointment with L for either tomorrow or Monday. He has things about ready to file. We're just trying to decide on the longer-term division of property, as he thinks it will help to show that our long-term plan makes sense so that they will grant the short-term orders now. I need to work on that some more. Really analyze it. I'm going to email my L now to tell him what I'm thinking about college, that I don't know if it's a good idea to be telling the courts I'm still trying to decide on whether I want to just go to work or go to school.

Thanks for listening.