Doing the hokey-pokey was difficult for several months before surgery and about 6 months after surgery. BB said she was so frustrated, her sexuality turned in on her. She said she never wanted to depend on anyone sexually anymore and she didn’t think doing it herself was right or something like that.
During a verbal disagreement, BB said she didn’t want any more “O” because that part of her died and she never wanted to be horney again. When she was horney and I had serious back problems, it drove her to be frustrated, then resentful. She doesn’t want to go there again.
This makes me so sad. She killed her own sexual monkey. Which means according to my own pseudo-scientific theory that she erased her brain grooves linking the dopamine reward cycle to sexuality. She was probably able/willing to do this because she was raised in a culture that doesn't value female sexuality on it's own, she valued her relationship with you and didn't want to feel resentful and she was old enough that her monthly burst of testosterone wasn't strong enough to kick the dopamine back into that channel. Further evidence in favor of this would be the fact that she exhibited impulsive shopping behavior and impulsive pet-acquisition behavior. Probably if you left a plate of cookies out on your counter she would eat one even if her "plan" was to lose 10 lbs.
Here is your contribution to the problem. You are someone who has probably never done anything impulsive in your life. Therefore, you naturally view impulsive behavior as "bad" or "destructive". The thing to remember is that people who aren't impulsive tend towards viewing people who are impulsive as immature but they don't recognize their own counter-productive behaviors as immature or dysfunctional. These behaviors would generally fall under the category of "compulsive" or "retentive" or "expulsive". A good example of an impulsive character would be the role Lucille Ball portrayed on "I Love Lucy". It's easy to label that character as immature or childish or naughty or simply "would make me want to tear my hair out if I lived with her" but let's examine the facts by asking a few questions. Did Lucy ever do anything mean-spirited? Was Baby Ricky well cared for? Would a character like Lucy commit adultery or organize a genocide? If "I Love Lucy" was remade in a modern version without twin beds, do you think that Lucy and Ricky would be portrayed as having a hot sex life?
Anyway, my general prescription would be that you need to stop over-pampering BB's bunny and you need to stop caging her non-sexual monkey. You will probably never become an impulsive character yourself but you need to recognize that impulsive behavior does have some value if properly channeled. If testosterone is the dynamite, dopamine is the match and somebody has to be the monkey who is not afraid to play with fire. Impulsiveness when viewed through a positive filter is the playful spirit that messes things up a bit and thereby delays the heat-death of the universe that will occur when everything is perfectly ordered.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
OT What would happen if you just made an appointment with a sex therapist and took her?
History of therapist: The first therapist, I went by myself for about 6 months. Her specialty was Child and Family, just licensed, and was part of a company assistance program. I was recovering from my second major back injury and wasn't working. She helped me some.
Therapist was very experienced but un-known to me, she was a "Woman's Issues Specialist." This time it was part of BB employee assistance package.
The message here was I needed to let BB live her life as she saw fit. Co-dependency was the in thing at the time and where BB worked (mental health facility) they had a 28-day Co-dependency program. BB was the med nurse there. So much for men being viewed as leaders, not likely. More that men were controlling and women would be better off doing for them self and as they wished.
During the sessions, it was obvious I had to start thinking about BB and I being more of separate people and not so much as a couple.
During our first few sessions, I sat next to BB. By session 4 or 5 I sat in my own chair.
At the same time I was in a "Woman's Issues Class" in college trying to understand some of the male/female role changes.
The class was "more bad men" women were getting a raw deal (some were) and surprisingly how a few women manipulated men by using their sexuality. Some of that topic even labeled men stupid for thinking with their di*k! Or the guy likes the gal because he is hungry or horney.
Several years went by and I started going by myself for various issues but all sessions had a component that dealt with my R with BB. The other main problems I was having was age and disability issues related to my improving back conditions and working in a new field of employment. I graduated from college in the top 5% but only got considered for some really low paying jobs.
Our most recent MC was church based. BB didn’t think much of the other C’s we saw but she did mike the last one.
One appointment he set us up with sort of over lapped something else she wanted to do. She wanted to cancel, I didn’t, we did. After canceling I saw how she was not being serious enough for me so decided to do some more C on my own.
Your main question, why not make an appt with a sex therapist?
I looked for one and found some sex therapists but they also do lots of other things, so I am wondering how effective they are.
I asked around but no one has used one or recommended one.
BB worked in the mental health field for 15 years and has a very low opinion of therapy in general. For BB meds work, if it is the right med, but therapy is like talking yourself out of fearing the 800# gorilla sitting right next to you.
BB’s position is she is too old to like sex that much. She would if she was 25, had natural hormones, didn’t have aches and some stiffness, had a fair amount of disposable income and lots of free time, and lived in a nice home/neighborhood.
To that I said, “So it is true, a woman needs three husbands. One to have recreational time with, one to earn a good living, and a third to cook and keep house.”
OT, I still am considering the ST, still asking if anyone found one that solved problems. I have enough information about what kills sex drive and some information for solutions.
Mojo Anyway, my general prescription would be that you need to stop over-pampering BB's bunny and you need to stop caging her non-sexual monkey. Yes, sounds something like what BB wants.
You will probably never become an impulsive character yourself Right again Mojo. I have been looking for and at a few Dodge Caravan’s with a 4-cylinder engine and 5-speed transmission for 3 years. I finally found one I feel is worth buying. Only $500. It is a 1990 with 150K miles and in good condition. I would rather have a 1994/95 with two air bags in case I was in a collision, but maybe I will find one later.
Two years ago I found one that was almost double the wholesale value at the time on a car lot that sells cars to people with poor credit (not me). I wanted to pay cash but they wanted me to make payments. I made several reasonable offers over a time period of 10 months but they kept upping the total sale price.
A side of me not being impulsive, also keeps me in the M, so not being impulsive has it up's and down's.
Here is your contribution to the problem. Here are my contributions over the years: 1. I should have had better jobs and not relied on doing more work to compensate. 2. I was uneducated about female sexuality and what women like. I had too much schooling on what not to do or supposedly what women didn’t like. 3. I thought I had to take it slow, not ask for anything but vanilla sex or I would offend BB. 4. I thought working hard and long hours would show BB that I am a good guy and willing to do what it takes to keep a family moving toward a better life. When I compared my M life to what I had as a kid, I was more than on track. The problem was I got caught up in doing, working, providing, but not sharing and bonding as a family unit. I didn’t give BB enough of me/my time because it took a lot of time to maintain what we had. 5. Now that I have had the Internet, I see what I could have done different sexually, and we should have spent more time, one on one, together. 6. I had a hottie I let cool off because I was working, and not fanning the flames. I thought that was the W’s job.
She was probably able/willing to do this because she was raised in a culture that doesn't value female sexuality on it's own, she valued her relationship with you and didn't want to feel resentful and she was old enough that her monthly burst of testosterone wasn't strong enough to kick the dopamine back into that channel. BB’s version, “I am too old and my body doesn’t work like it used to.”
I have to think about two chemicals Mojo, the testosterone and the dopamine. I usually only considered the T.
Somebody has to be the monkey who is not afraid to play with fire. I take that, as do several things differently. If it doesn’t work, be prepared for a few burns/cat bites.
I can do that Mojo
Impulsiveness when viewed through a positive filter is the playful spirit that messes things up a bit and thereby delays the heat-death of the universe that will occur when everything is perfectly ordered. So, predictability kills the dopamine that is there.
It just seems clear to me that you and BB are simultaneously fighting about money and sex. What the two of you have in common is that you have an unspoken agreement that whoever is more "conservative" wins any fight. Therefore, you "won" the fight about money and she "won" the fight about sex. I wonder what BB would do if you went out and impulsively bought a mint-condition classic car just like the one the two of you used to "steam up" when you were young?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
