H never came back from Iraq

[MichelleLT]

Intellectually I know he's not himself and I try to sympathize with what he's going through. I've done a lot of reading about a lot of things, including PTSD, in the last few months. I kinda wish I'd started when he got home a year and a half ago though. I noticed he was different, but I just had this unwavering confidence that we'd make it through the readjustment period and we'd settle back into being happy. And as the months went by, we were fighting less and things seemed to be getting better. What I realize now is he just was avoiding things that he felt would result in arguments because he can't handle arguing with anyone w/o all his adrenaline and battle reflexes kicking in. Looking back I also realize he was slowly shutting me out, telling me less and less, and I was busy enough with school that I didn't really notice at first. I guess by the time I did we were already on the "divorce track" in his mind. Of course, since so much of it seems to be linked to his PTSD, I don't know if my noticing would have made things better or worse or would have even mattered at all.

I have tried not to give my opinions about his career choices too much. When he first got home he couldn't wait to get out of the military and I agreed it had not treated him or us well and that I would understand if he did that. Then a few months later he started talking about officer candidate school. When he made the decision to go, I tried to support him. I'd get up early and drop him off for formations and would be waiting to pick him up when he'd get home on Sunday nights. After a few months of that he decided it was too much BS and did a drop on request. A couple months after that (after I moved out) he changed units from his infantry company to a military police company and has effectively committed himself to the military for another couple years. Plus he's going to have to take time off school to attend military training which is going to push back his graduation date yet again. Of course since he ended up dropping half his classes this semester, he's probably not on track to graduate next december anymore anyways.

As both his sister and his best friend have pointed out to me, he doesn't know what he wants, and it's not just about us. It's his entire life. He doesn't know if he wants to finish school, he doesn't know what he wants to do after school, he doesn't know what to do about the military, etc. The only thing he seems to be sure of right now is that the OW is the one thing in this world that will make him happy again (since all I've done is make him miserable - when this first started it was since he got back, then it was since I went back to school, now we're up to the entirety of our relationship practically). Yet a few months ago, when he was very drunk, he was complaining to me about the OW. I was sorta amused by the weirdness of the whole situation but I kinda wanted to shake him and point out that the majority of the time they've "been together" has been long distance and if she's already driving him batty WTF does he think is going to improve over 9 more months of long distance???

*sighs* Then last night my sister-in-law tells me that H might not be going to see OW over his winter break because his finances are too screwy. I'm not sure how to react to this. I had resigned myself to him going and had managed to see some positives in the distance. I'm kind of annoyed that I might not get a break from all the BS and drama now.

Well, enough venting for the morning. I know I have to be patient. It's just hard. Thanks for the post :-)