I Was Almost A Walk-Away Wife (next thread)

[chromosphere]

It seems to me if a woman is hot and horny for a man, there is usually a reason beyond just general sexual desire. And those reasons are often validating to the man, i.e. physically/emotionally/mentally attractive.

A woman having no desire for a man but wanting to meet his needs is great, loving, etc., but not as validating as desire. So I guess there is a trade-off between need for validation and need for loving guestures. The ideal state would be horny often, but when not horny, still willing to heat the sheets for his pleasure.

Of course one could start arguments about "needing desire" "fusion" and all that. I'm just stating how I feel and how I bet a lot of guys feel. Whether it's how one should feel is another story. Of course, we could then get into an argument about there is no should to feelings and all that. And around and around we go.

Chrome

[sandi2]

In contrast, "I am going to be sexually intimate with you, because seeing you sexually happy makes ME happy... i WANT to see you sexually happy!" is all positive.

That was the concept I was trying to get him to see when I told him that I did not want him to fear that I would reject him and that I would have sex and was available to him anytime b/c I wanted us to have a close and happy M. Maybe I did not know how to properly state it, but that was what I meant. It had the absolutly opposite effect that I had expected. He was withdrawn from me even more. When I asked him later about it, his answer was in so many words....that wasn't good enough. Well, he didn't word that very well either b/c I sure as heck didn't appreciate that.

I keep going back to the time period in which he stop dead from having sex period.....which was when I finally was getting it together. He has never given me a satisfactory reason for why he chose that time.....since he couldn't fall back on his "ususal" excuse. Like I said, I was the one that was rejected. I was showing plenty of desire for him at that time. So, I don't know anymore to do than what I was doing right then back almost 12 years ago.

So, now we are kind of like room mates that share a house together and get along comfortably like an pair of old house shoes. Doesn't that sound sweet and romantic?

[sandi2]

DomR,

I also wanted to clearify something about the so-called separation I referred to when we had been married about a year. It lasted one week and between the pressure from him, my dad, and some others, I finally reluntantly went back to him. I was not ready for it and did not want to but felt "duty bound" to do it. But that was the only time I left him.

[sandi2]

saffie, I tried to email you and it didn't go through. Don't know what the problem is . Send one to me....it's [e-mail]

[Dom R]

In contrast, "I am going to be sexually intimate with you, because seeing you sexually happy makes ME happy... i WANT to see you sexually happy!" is all positive.

That was the concept I was trying to get him to see when I told him that I did not want him to fear that I would reject him and that I would have sex and was available to him anytime b/c I wanted us to have a close and happy M. Maybe I did not know how to properly state it, but that was what I meant. It had the absolutly opposite effect that I had expected.

Heya Sandi,

I see what you wrote, and I think I understand your intentions.
The thing is.. its not the same thing as what I wrote.

What you wrote, is a variant of "i will GIVE YOU sex".(or at least, can be interpreted that way. and it seems that is how your husband took it)
It's less of a guilt trip.. but it's still "sex is something that YOU want. so I will willingly give it to you".

Whereas what I was describing, was much more *active*.

Think about this silly example. Let's say that you know that your husband really likes the way you cook meatloaf.
Compare the two following ways of handling it.

"Honey, i know you like meatloaf. So, if you want to ask me to make it, you just go ahead and ask me, and I will make it for you".

Yes, that's a nice thing to say. but compare it to a different internal thought process of,

[Hmm.. my husband looks a little down lately. I know that he really likes it when I cook meatloaf. I think I'll surprise him, and spend the extra time and effort to cook it for him today. It's a lot of effort, but just thinking about how happy it makes him, makes me happy!]

Big difference, yes?

I think that your husband was hoping for the second type, but instead, you gave him the first.
He was hurt, not neccessarily because you werent horney... but perhaps because you didnt feel like the second.

[sandi2]

DomR,

Yes, you are probably right, but he knew that I had never been HD and I did want him to be satisfied and happy, so I wanted to be a good wife to him and, as you said, "give" him sex when he wanted it. If a person is LD, can they help it? I mean, don't you think I would prefer to be HD? Just think how much different my M would have been over the years. It's not like I chose to be that way on purpose. But, it's not enough for a wife to be "willing" and "happy" to give to her husband, he wants her to "desire" him as much as he does her. I can understand that. But, if she can't....I mean her body just won't do it....then what? That is why I felt like I had been rejected then b/c he never explained like you did....he just said it wasn't enough. Well, that was not a good thing to tell me. Then years later when I finally reached my peak....or whatever happened....he walked out of the bedroom. So, go figure. Bet you don't have an answer for that one, do ya? I desired him then. So, why did he chose that time to stop sex?

Oh, I talked to a woman taking Zoloft and she said it kileed her sex drive. Said she had zero sex desire. The doctor doubled my dosage yesterday, so that doesn't sound very hopeful, does it?

[Kettricken]

I think the crux of this dynamic is: Was your offer of "sex to make him happy" ever phrased in such a way to convey the message "The princess will stoop to fill your silly little needs, but you'd better be grateful."??? Only you can answer that.

Nothing creates resentment faster in a relationship than the imbalance created by feeling like you're being thrown a bone to shut you up.

[Dom R]

DomR,

Yes, you are probably right, but he knew that I had never been HD and I did want him to be satisfied and happy, so I wanted to be a good wife to him and, as you said, "give" him sex when he wanted it. If a person is LD, can they help it? I mean, don't you think I would prefer to be HD?

Sandi... are you explaining how you thought back then, or how you think now?

What I wrote, has nothing to do with being "LD vs HD".
That describes your relative frequency of sexual arousal. That's all about YOUR sexual drive.

Whereas what I wrote about, has nothing to do with your sexual drive. It applies whether you have had a complete hysterectomy, and ZERO "sexual drive". Because its not about how horney you feel... its about a choice of how much do you love your spouse, and want to make THEM feel good?

I dont have to be horney myself, to want to sexually satisfy my wife.
(and sometimes, it gets in the way, because if I'm waaay horney, then it's tough to stop thinking about me, instead of thinking of her )

Then years later when I finally reached my peak....or whatever happened....he walked out of the bedroom. So, go figure. Bet you don't have an answer for that one, do ya?

I believe that you brought that up, with much greater detail, when you first started posting here. and yes, I did have an answer for you, when you gave the greater background. i'm afraid I dont recall the details any more, now.

Oh, I talked to a woman taking Zoloft and she said it kileed her sex drive. Said she had zero sex desire. The doctor doubled my dosage yesterday, so that doesn't sound very hopeful, does it?

As i wrote above: what I described in my previous post, applies whether you are "low drive", or even "zero drive".

It's a matter of whether you feel either enough *love*, or at the bare minimum, commitment to your marriage, for your husband, to do something about it.
trouble is, o course, you dont feel the love either.


if my wife came to me and said she was horney and "needed something" (which is kinda funny because she has almost never ever done that but anyways) then, if I wasnt feeling horney myself... i would still "do something" for her.. unless I completely hated her at the time, or there was an otherwise compelling reason for me NOT to do something for her.

[ann25]

I've been reading all this because I feel like it's advice I can use as well...

Hi Sandi, Sounds like your mood is improving a little and you've been on here more often, so that is good.

Dom R (not trying to highjack this, but...) for me (possibly for other women) if I'm not horny/aroused/in the mood etc. sex can hurt. There are things I can do for him other than sex because although I'd prefer not to for me, I do want him to be happy, but actually having sex can be uncomfortable and painful. He can tell... my H has a way of making me feel guilty for not wanting him or being attracted to him, like I just decided to be like that one day or something. I totally understand the meatloaf analogy, but we get together and although I'm giving it everything I've got, he can tell... any advice/opinion/ideas on how to deal with that?

[Dom R]

heh.. well, Sandi's sociable, so I'm sure she wont mind a diversion...

Dom R (not trying to highjack this, but...) for me (possibly for other women) if I'm not horny/aroused/in the mood etc. sex can hurt. There are things I can do for him other than sex because although I'd prefer not to for me, I do want him to be happy, but actually having sex can be uncomfortable and painful.

Well, I'm no expert on "how a woman feels" in that situation. but, a silly yet standard question: are you using artificial lubrication in that situation?
('cause if you arent... you probably should be!)

[and did you mean to ask a question in there, such as, "ARE there things I can do for him...."?]

He can tell... my H has a way of making me feel guilty for not wanting him or being attracted to him, like I just decided to be like that one day or something. I totally understand the meatloaf analogy, but we get together and although I'm giving it everything I've got, he can tell... any advice/opinion/ideas on how to deal with that?

weell.. depends on what you are actually like at the time.
What do you mean, by "giving it everything you've got"?
What are you focusing on, when you do that? What is your "external" focus, and what is your "internal" focus?


To give a "what not to do"example: If you're externally focused on doing a specific mechanical motion... but internally, you're focused on "ugh.. this is tiring.. and I really dont want to do this... i wish he'd just hurry up and be done"...
...yeah, the man can usually tell, and that will probably cause him to be unhappy about it.