Plank removed from eye, too late for WAW? 8

[Heimlich]

FWIW, I don't buy this at all, and I doubt W does either.

No, she probably doesn't. Regardless, it was. Like occassionally I'll get off at the exit to her house when going home (2 exits before mine). When the brain is on the ol' cruise control, habit can take over. Felt like I was screwed one way or the other -- acknowledge it or just let it slide. New 180 -- I talk too much and, as Chris said a few pages ago, can unintentionally go into lecture mode. It's something I've been paying attention to recently, especially with my girls.

OT, you see all of my warts here. I don't dwell on my triumphs or good spots when I post. That said, I'm a good guy. Not perfect, but I have more strengths than weaknesses. To me, the Thanksgiving "debacle" as you put it was like walking into an emotional buzzsaw for me. Here I am, with literally no thoughts in my head, but "That's interesting, what'd you do?" and she bushwhacked me. I regret letting that conversation devolve into what it became. Everyone's earlier comments about her seeing that as control are almost certainly correct. I wasn't thinking that though. What I have to be is smart enough to realize that what I intend aren't what she perceives now, and probably forever.

I'm not saying my W is being immature, I've gathered from doing a lot of thinking over the summer, most of the reasons why she feels the way she does. I understand and, in all honesty, respect her for making a hard decision to leave so that she could be happy. As I've said before, until I realized some things about myself, we couldn't have been happy. What I DO find immature, is her repeated "I can't talk to you" and the fact that she mislead me. Yes, I violated my W in a horrible, inexcusable way the night she told me of her A. But, you know what, what about the way that she violated me? In January of this year, she tells me she loves me and doesn't want to lose me. We steadily become closer through March/early April (or so I thought). I was finally letting go of the A. I did push sex too much, in large part because of insecurity. She never let me get out how she made me feel. Everytime I tried to tell her, it was "throwing it in her face." I wanted to get through those emotions together with her, she wouldn't allow it. I did subtly blame her, in part because I had to swallow how I felt, but by the middle of last March, I can look back and say that I was over the A. I was happy with the way things were going. It wasn't perfect, but, I thought, things were improving (I did make the mistake of falling back into some bad habits at the same time, to my regret and shame. I got comfortable. It made her scared.) All that said, she never told me at any time how she was really feeling inside. We bought things together (we didn't get anything together for the house from last october to March of this year). We went on a weekend trip to Rehobeth with the girls (and my Mom because we had to delay the trip a weekend) and had a good time. All this time, she told me she was happy with the way things were going. Remember, during this whole time, she sees OM every day at work. They have meetings together because of their jobs. I trusted her. Then, I leave for a week for a business trip, and she tells me she's done. Yes, I feel violated at times. She did treat me unfairly, and I think with a great level of emotional immaturity. I've grown a lot during the past 8 months, and have a long way to go to be where I want to be. If there's a tone in my post of the last few weeks, it's this -- I've finally realized that it's not all my fault. She is to blame as well and she's not acknowledged her role in this -- and never did. I do feel like the victim of an emotional drive by at times.

And, all of THAT said, I get it. I just want to make it better. I don't feel entitled. I don't feel like she owes me her love. I am disappointed in her choices. And, yes, OT, I can understand why she wouldn't want to talk to me out of fear that I would snap -- hence the elliptical references and ommisions about OM. I know how much I've hurt her, and scared the [censored] out of her that night.

The funny thing is, I've journaled some variation of the above a few times, some of it here, all of it in journals to myself. As I sat and typed all of that out, I remember feeling those feelings, but I don't feel them anylonger (though I will admit to still feeling shabbily treated now and then). I don't feel the pain like I did back in Sept when I moved out or even back in Oct for Casey's bday party. It's now part of my history. I can remember how it felt, but I don't feel it. I still love her in many ways. Given a choice, she's still the first person i'd like to see in the morning and the last at night. Mostly, I feel disappointed (with both of us) and regret. If I hurt, I hurt for my girls.

Our conversations are limited to scheduling around the kids. I'll make jokes/small talk and occassionally I'll tell her she looks nice (Me: "You look nice, today."), but I've not intentionally brought up "US" since Oct 13 (that conversation about her volunteering is, ug, something I wish had never happened).

I'm not going to get into the OM issue, because it's speculation. How long has she been talking to him -- before the April ILBNILWY speech? She says no. I've chosen to believe her. Yet, to say that he's not part of this is BS. He's not the reason she had an A. But to say that her confiding in him over the summer, while I was making positive steps in my life NOT impacting the way she views me . . . c'mon, do you really think that's possible?

And, I don't think about her a lot any longer. When I read other posts, sometimes that'll jog something relative to me/her/what used to be us, but I don't spend hours thinking about what happened like I used to. I spend time her because I'm procrastinating at work, which is my BIGGEST personal flaw that I need to overcome.

Whew, that felt pretty good. Thanks, OT. And, regarding the procrastination, back to work.

BD