You know what would be so great? if his W shocked all of us and said she wanted to try again. Never say never. We could all say 'told ya so'.
If that were to occur, I would still move on. I would not subject my children to this again; getting their hopes up only to result in another breakup. And that would be the outcome b/c xW has not done the work, nor does she feel that she needs to do any work here.
So failure is certain.
That may sound angry, but it is not. I am simply stating a fact.
I cannot do this all by myself. And any desire I once had is no longer there.
The WAH or WAW is a very negative label here. Why am I now the WAH?
I thought the final goal of all of this is acceptance; to accept my role in this and forgive me and to accept her role in this and forgive her. To understand that this is finished and that there is nothing I can control. To understand that moving on is the healthy thing to do. To understand that it is really unhealthy for everyone concerned to pursue this any further.
To no longer be stuck.
Why is that so hard for this BB? Maybe b/c they do not want to hear it? Maybe b/c they do not want to believe that this can be their outcome? Or even that they may have to admit to themselves that this should be their outcome?
I read those strong positions on FIB's thread all the time. If only everyone had a chance to talk directly to FIB. They would realize how those discussions affect him, really impact him.
I post all this only to record what I am feeling. My path is my path and it may not be right for others.
Lesson learned: I will always recommend standing at first. I like the one month per year rule. But after that time I will then say to ask yourself what the chances are and are you happy. If your assessment at that time is objective and positive in that you SEE results - stay the course. If you see no results or things are indeed worse, I would then advise moving on. To do otherwise is wasting your life away. I waited too long.
And another lesson learned is that the *detachment* stuff is a buch of bull. Early on it is IMPOSSIBLE to detach. Sure, the DB and GAL stuff helps a lot, but that does not equate to detaching. I don't care what anyone says.
Only after that one month per year mark can you start the detachment process. And IMHO you cannot detach unless you make the real commitment to move on without her/him. A REAL commitment. Only then does the focus shift from *them* to *us*. Only then do we behave without expectations in return. Only then is when the GAL stuff pays off b/c we do it for us, not for them or to escape the situation.
Unfortunately, as Michelle points out in her books, we are not the clingy little boy/girl any longer and our spouse sees that they may indeed lose us. We become attractive again and/or they become the ones who want to continue the control THEY had over us for months, even years now. So they get close - or try to, to see if we are still "in love" and totally dependent on them.
But we pass the test; we have moved on. Their loss. Or if trying again is an option ....
In either case we continue to move on and forward, with
