Turning the Page

[missmyfriend]

Hey buddy, I was catching up on your sitch and a lot of thoughts came to mind; direct personal experiences, experiences from other people I know, things I have read, classes I have taken, etc. I read like crazy. Always have. The sad thing was that I avoided the bible for a very long time. I have no idea why except maybe I wasn't ready to take in what it had to say. To me the bible is like the ultimate 2x4, wrapped in love.

tfh, I can almost accurately determine a person's character and if they are genuine during one or two conversations. Posting on an anonymous board makes it difficult because you cannot hear how a person speaks, what they say, the conviction and the hesitation that can occur either on the phone or in person. Our conversation the other day told me that you are a person that means what they say and that your concern for your wife is very real. What I mean is that you are not reacting to this situation simply because of the moment. You really care about her and what happens between you two. Let me know if I am wrong about this.

My point is that your wife and all of our spouses for that matter, live for the moment. None of them are planners. They think they are. They have these fantasies in their minds about how wonderful their lives would be if they could only dump their current spouse. We have caused all of their problems or so they believe. In most cases, the children are not directly included in this fantasy that their current situation is horrible and must be jettisoned at all costs. I say that the children are not "blamed" but in so many of the situations here, I have seen the children hurt over and over again. When the parent that has "lost their mind" makes their irrational choice to break up the family, the kids are simply collateral damage to the needs of the parent. Any which way you look at it, whether the parent ignores the children completely or if they are around the children, they are still not thinking of the children.

As our spouses "live for the moment" we need to think long term. That can be very challenging as our spouses can spew or do other things that are completely and morally objectionable. I know I feel like I need to defend myself, especially with the rewriting of history that is common. When I think about where I am going to be one year or more down the road, I think about how I would have wanted to handle the confrontations and other issues regarding my family. Even if my M is not restored, I know eventually that my W will think about how everything transpired and how I conducted myself.

I believe what I have read that the decision to permanently end the M rests on the LBS. So much evidence shows that most of the MLCers and other WAS eventually realize their mistakes and wish they could repair the damage to the R [b]BUT[/], in most cases, the LBS has "moved on" and is no longer available, either emotionally or physically.

TFH, I wanted to respond to some of your comments in several of your posts.

When you said that you are concerned that when you are taking the "high road" it may be for suspect reasons, I would not worry about it. I have heard from so many people that we could be considerd "holier-than-thou" or "controlling" or "superior" and that is typically a bunch of...well, you know! If you are doing the right thing, for the right reasons, there is nothing wrong with it. If you are taking the high road because you want to change and you love your family, you have nothing to worry about. Everyone can buy into their own press but don't worry if you momentarily feel proud of yourself. When that happens, put it into perspective that you are not doing it for yourself only but for your family, and forget about it.

Regarding the anger and indifference argument, there is a lot to be said about the accuracy of your comments and responses that you receive. For those out there where the spouse seems indifferent at times, don't let that make you think that your spouse is over you. They are all over the place emotionally and some are so depressed that they almost become a person that lacks nearly all emotions. So, even someone who seems indifferent may either be in a severe depression or they may have a lot of distractions removing you from their vision.

Sorry for the long post but I really admire you for handling things so well.