Still trying - Not very well

[limbo]

Heim thanks for stopping by! I have missed you!

I have tried all sorts with him, I bought him 2 containers, so that he can keep them at work too, in case he forgets in the morning, I have now started asking him everyday too. Which he wants me to do.

[Sara]

That's great that you are writing your story, Limbo. I've written short versions of my story, but never a really in depth version focusing on feelings. I'll bet it helps a lot.

[limbo]

Thanks Sara

I hope it helps, because I do feel like i am on a real verge of ending things.
It is hard to explain with out seeming selfish or an idiot, but I am so tired of being the one that hold everything together and in many ways taken for granted.
I feel so isolated and just plain and simple not truly cared for, Yes I know he has an illness.
We have good surface interaction, but the deep meaning stuff is just avoided, and this is whats killing me, is there is just a connection missing and I just don't know if it will ever come back.
This may sound horrible, but he hides behind his problems, and in a way I think uses them as a shield to avoid really having to talk about things, or deal with them.
I asked him today if he would mind me going to the same therapist as him, because I do need to see someone, and the ones I have gone to so far really haven't helped.
He said no he doesn't feel comfortable with me going, well I know why because he is being straight with the therapist, and know if I go I will tell it like it really was and is.
For me this is almost the straw so to speak, if he really isn't getting the help that he needs then whats the point, because my life is just going to continue being this roller coaster waiting for the next drop. ANd I just can't continue to do it!!
I need some level for an extended period, where all we are doing is really working on the marriage.
Truly, honestly but I just don't think this is ever going to happen.

[DaveJ]

I asked him today if he would mind me going to the same therapist as him, because I do need to see someone, and the ones I have gone to so far really haven't helped.
He said no he doesn't feel comfortable with me going, well I know why because he is being straight with the therapist, and know if I go I will tell it like it really was and is.

limbo, be aware that a lot of the times if the T is seeing your H as IC, he/she may not agree to see you. Something to do with conflict of interest or such. I know my W's IC has refused to see me individually. Unless you are doing MC as well usually they'll refer you to someone else.

[Heimlich]

Limbo,

Cooling my jets on the posting so much. Got a little depressed when I logged back in on Sunday evening after not really checking in since Wed and saw an entire new batch of folks in newcomers. As OT said at one point, it wears on you after a while.

I know you've been holding things together for a long time, but you've also got a string of expecting the worst. I picked up "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff for Men" for a quarter at a used book sale and I pick it up and read a page or two before going to sleep. Opened it up for the first time in a while last night and it opened to: Think "maybe so, maybe no"

From the book: One of the reasons it's so easy to get stressed an duptight has to do with the fact that we are often so certain in our positions and assumptions. Rather than maintaining a degree of openness to the uknown -- openness to the possibility that things may work out just fine -- we instead convince ourselves that we not only know what's going to happen, but also that, whateever "it" is, it's going to be horrible.

And, later:
Yet, what's the point of assuming the worst, getting stressed, overwhelmed and pessimistic, when the real truth is that the end result is unknown.

This doesn't mena you need to by pollyanna or that you're wrong, just that it's something that seems to run through your thread -- expecting the worst outcome. He's there. He's trying. Look, you may be getting to the point where you really can't do this anylonger. You may realize that you don't want to be with your H. If so, that's OK. Just make sure that's what you really feel/think and don't make it happen by assuming the worst is going to happen -- maybe so, maybe not.

Hang in there, Limbo.

BD

[limbo]

Thanks Heim!

You have given me something to think about!
Its true, I do expect the worst all the time, because generally that's whats happened!
I am trying not to make any snap choices right now, and will not do anything that I might later regret.
I am just working on getting myself back together alittle more and then will see what happens from there.
I think that alot of what I am saying is coming being so mentally tired. So I need to find some way to recharge

[Heartbroken]

Hello Limbo!

What do you like to do for you - what did you do for you PRE BOMB (I know can WE even remember that far back???). I need to start doing more things for me too! Let's see what goals we can set - I challenge you!!!

Happy Thursday - one more day!

HB

[limbo]

HB thanks for the challenge!!

To be honest we were kind of lazy people so didn't do a whole lot for me, this summer my favorite thing to do was go sit on the deck and read a book...but can't do it now with winter setting in!
I am trying to think of things to do, but what I want to do cost money and we are kind of strapped right now!
But I will think of something!

[limbo]

Since last night, I have had this thought in my mind, that I am being played...and I don't know why
H has given me no real indication of this, other then the fact that he is on the internet, all the time...for hours on end every night.
He says sometimes what he is looking at, all very innocent, but I just don't buy it...and it always seems that when I come to were he is, he is moving off whatever he is on.
But then I ask myself, would he be doing all that he is, if he were playing me, would he be going to these lengths to make me feel we are ok, when he is planning or doing something else.
I used to believe this answer to be no, but now I can't answer that with 100% certainty.
I have tired to tell him how I feel about it, sometime ago, but it never really made a difference, he just spends the same amount of time on it.
Do I talk to him again, or do I ignore it? I just don't know what to do for the best.

[LoginName]

Hi Limbo,
I've been too busy, and haven't read all the posts leading up to this last one, but want to try to help if I can.

I felt the same about my W; was she, is she, playing me and am I being a dupe? Here is the answer Toughlover and grasshopper (have you heard of them? they succeeded and have largely left the bb) helped me come up with.

It doesn't matter. Years from now he could play you too. What's at stake if he is playing you? Just your pride. You'll feel foolish, but you'll still be a good person doing what you want to do for the right reasons. Maybe he is playing you. Maybe he is shopping on line for a gift for you. Maybe he's still finding his way through his fog (it's not about you).

I'm going to guess what I imagine is the worst he could be doing - still having an A. Face that fear. What if he is? You didn't leave him before, would you now? You were ready to wait before, are you now? You don't know that he is continuing an A, do you want to end your M over a guess or feeling and fear that your pride may be hurt?

I think, with how far you and he have come, you should tell him how you feel. I would suggest that you don't expect anything from him when you do tell him though. Don't expect him to tell you exactly what he's been doing on line. Don't expect him to confess, or to show remorse, or say he's sorry, or to do or say anything. In fact, think it through. What if he 'confesses' to something? Don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answers to. When you are ready to face any answer, because you are strong in yourself and know that even though it hurts, you can take anything, then ask. When you know that what he does, what he thinks, isn't about you, doesn't define who you are, doesn't diminish you in anyway, then it's easier to ask, share and hear.

I share your feeling. If my W could carry on an A under my nose for months without me suspecting, why couldn’t she be doing it now too? Why couldn’t she do it again in the future? I don’t want to live in fear of that happening. I doubt you do either. You can’t control your H anymore than I can control my W. Be strong, let go of what you can’t control and work on what you can control.

I hope you do share your fears and feelings about your H’s internet use with him, if not now than in the not so distant future. I hope that you and he get to where you can share your feelings and fears. When you do share with him, if he doesn’t change his behavior, what will you do? Can you live with it? Maybe include him in helping you decide what you will do? Cancel the internet? Go out dancing while he surfs? You chose, you decide what you can and can’t live with. But don’t fool yourself. Don’t decide out of pride. Make a decision based on what is really important and what you really want.

This became a bit rambling and long. In summary  don’t live in fear, it’s not about you, let go of what you can’t control,. Good luck!