Leave STBX ALONE. Quit intruding on his space. It gets you nowhere. The drama is not going to bring him back either. No reason to pull anymore stunts, they aren't going to work. Leave STBX ALONE.
I'm very worried that you are involved with someone else, already exclusively, while you are still unstable. I hope you'll consider working heavily in your al-anon group on the role of this new R in your life.
Al-anon seems to be a very positive force for you. Anything to do with STBX or his family seems toxic. Quit poisoning yourself.
"He doesn't call or email accept for business/kids." Good. But why are you offering anyting other than that?
"He has added her to his plan; I told them he no longer lives at this number and gave them his new contact info." Why? You don't need to manage this business for him, and it seems to have bothered you to do so. Simply say "wrong number, bye".
M--- That is probably the better idea. I still find myself shaking my head that we are really in this place. He loved me for so long...but doesn't anymore. I still look back carefully to see what it is that I did wrong, learn from it for the future. But I also realize that it is more him, and that there is nothing left for me to do or try to fix it. Just get out of the way.
The whole thing reminds me of labor--every time I thought it couldn't possibly hurt any more than this...it did! But I survived that, and will survive this.
And I am very cautious about the present, questioning myself at every thought and move. Could be overanalyzing, but trying to live for the moment. I am heeding the advice about not getting over-involved with someone who I would just repeat the same patterns with. It is a beginning of I'm not sure what. We don't know each other well enough for me to judge that, yet. We'll see. Right now, being around this new man makes me feel good--I am surprised myself at the lack of guilt (I thought I would ultimately never be able to be around someone other than H). I don't want him too deeply in my life--I'm not looking for a caregiver for myself or my kids (I actually wouldn't even intro him to them before 6 months post-D); I want to learn to experience and savor my independence. A nod to OT--no more enmeshment!
H has the kids tonight until 7:30. I have IC, then time to straighten the kitchen and vacuum. I had AlAnon last night; my sponsor shared her story (amazing how so many of us become blind to the problems in our lives as a defense mechanism).
I'd like to get my nails and hair done before Saturday, but not sure that its going to happen. Tomorrow is Brownies, then Fri is the lawyer meeting, so not too much time for me...
donna, here is my fear, you are using the new man. I know you are calling him mr right now, and think you have it under control, but you are still using him for that high...the endorphin rush...that validation. all of that needs to come from within, not from someone else. he's a substitution for your h, even if you aren't taking him as seriously.
kind of like an addict that switches from alcohol to marijuana or some other drug...it isn't their drug of choice, so they figure they are doing better, but honestly they are still just chasing a high. its the same thing.
I know its hard to find the strength from within. trust me, I understand that. Its sooo much easier to get the validation from someone else. but in the end, its not healthy.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Donna, I strongly agree with Sally. I have even felt at times recently that you have tried to enmesh with me a small bit. More enmeshment is the last thing you need. There is nothing wrong with a Mr. Right Now, except when Mr. Right Now = my way to cope day to day.
You've got two feet and two very strong legs with which to stand upon them. You can do it.
We went into this thing in IC yesterday. Very hard session. I am staying home today to process it all (and get things ready for tomorrow). I also started to read Women Who Love Too Much. Strange thing is, these outward symptoms didn't appear in me until after I was abandoned/betrayed. Now, the trick is to know, deep within, that all those feelings of worth and confidence were inside of me all along--they really weren't dependent on him. All that I am, all of my actions and accomplishments, have been mine alone. I am taking a hard look at myself. I see that I was always a people-pleaser, used to looking for and getting outside validation. That is another difficulty with H--I am not used to someone being so harsh and downright nasty with me. I keep giving away my power. This Fri will be a major test of that, and being able to keep the emotonality out of it.
IC brought this up yesterday, too. She pointed out that I would end up taking care of the in-laws (and she knows that I would of course step up and do that--but they also have 5 biological children)--is that moving forward/healthy? How would I be able to be comfortable and date in the future?
Point driven home today: H called me, asked if I was spending time with the kids when I had them for the weekend...wtf?
Apparently, CW has been logging my comings and goings and reporting back to him.
I didn't get the connection at first; it was so out of left field.
Her H called me and woke me up from a nap this afternoon--did I send him an email about a dating site? No......... then, he mentioned that he saw a Mustang drop me off the other night (it didn't drop me off--I went outside to say hello in the driveway--not that it is ANYone of their business!!!). I just said no and hung up.
So, I want the house. I'll buy him out if I have to. Then I am going to sell it and get something smaller in a neighboring town.
*******
Spoke with the IC again today on the phone. Had a panick attack about the impending "forever" of this sitch. Even she said that I need to get well, and that H will not be in that new picture.
I thought a lot about that today. I can see that I have to get well, do certain things to do that. And I know that it was the dynamic between the TWO of us that brought us here.
Why do I have to do this alone? Can't anyone help him see the role he played? She said that he isn't willing to see it, doesn't want to see it... but he did today. When he called me, I asked him, and he said he would talk to her to try to understand the whys behind everything. I don't know if he means it or not. I do know that, even with understanding, it may not bring him around. But I just want him to not yell at me anymore, hate me so much....he always assumes the worse about me, now.
All that will have to happen after the meeting tomorrow. And that will be all business. The Ls will make sure of that.
Agree with OT - I don't understand why the need to buy him out first, especially with real estate dropping. And also that selling seems very smart.
Good luck to you tomorrow (or well I guess it's later today now!). I will be thinking of you.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
