With MLC Women - Do they come back????

[DadNotQuitting]

I've read so many threads here my eyes (and heart) hurt. There are disaster stories, and there are success stories. However..., it seems as though the VAST majority of success stories are those where the MLC husband comes back, and too few where it is a MLC wife that re-dedicates herself to the marriage. Correct me if I'm wrong, but AmyC seems to be the only one that I've come across that came out of the pain with the intent to "fix" the problems within her marriage. Without a doubt, she is an inspiration, and through her own pain, is some to be applauded for coming onto this forum to help so many of us. And Amy, I do listen, I really do..........

So my question.... In all reality, how many of us left-behind husbands can expect our MLC wifes to "come out of the fog" and decide to re-engage the marriage? I won't ask what we can do to facilitate it, because I'm 23 threads into trying to figure that out, without any luck.

I just want to know how many of us are wasting our time, energy, emotion, love and pain on wanting to see a turnaround when none exists.

[braveheart]

Anytime you are dealing with an MLCer, man or woman, its a tough go. I think more men go through this than women, that is why you see fewer of them return on this board, my XW is an MLCer, or at least I think she is. Looking at your stich, I noticed your W left and came back. I can't tell you if she will come back or not, I do know that dealing with this MLCer junk is the toughest thing I had to do in my life. You will have to endure a lot of hardship with no guarantees.

[Bworl]

Not quite as up to date as some of those who have been here longer, but I can think of frank_d and faithfulH as two examples of men whose wives returned.

I'm thinking there was also a Rob something or other who began piecing not long after I signed on here.

I would tend to agree with Braveheart that more men than women seem to be MLC'ers, at least on this forum, and that may be why it seems that the women don't come back as often.

On the other hand I have also read that one of the differences between men and women in MLC is that women tend to want to end the marriage and not look back much more quickly than men do. Seems the MLC men are content to go find a new playmate and continue being married without it bothering them too much. The women seem to be inclined to want to actually start over with another man.

Just my thoughts.

[poohbear]

Dad...

My W told me in July, 2005 that she wanted to separate. She left in April, 2006. In December, 2006, she told me she wanted a D. She repeated it in January, February and March, 2007.

I stood my ground all that time. I begged in the beginning, but soon realized I was making it worse by doing so. I wasn't going to challenge the divorce. I was just going to make the process take as long as legally possible. It's kind of like the peaceful protests you see on television at times. The protesters lie on the ground and passively protest. That's how I handled it.

To make a long story short, she came back in August, 2007. I won't lie to you and say it's been sunshine and rainbows. It's a long journey back just to get to where we were before the separation. But we are moving in the right direction. We celebrated our 20th anniversary in October.

I know how you handle "advice" on this board, so I try not to give it to you. But I will offer you my support. I would also recommend you look at FaithfulH as an example. His W came back to him.

There are wives who come back. I was willing to wait. But at the same time, I was willing to accept the D if it would have come to that. I just would not participate.

[DadNotQuitting]

PoohBear,

The passive resistence approach is where my head has been lately. I'm just going to try to be as still as possible and not move things forward that don't need to be moved forward. There are some legal issues that must be dealt with in the immediate future, so that cannot be delayed. However, from what I have seen in the courts, I can make this process take two years or more if I really try. My wife gave me our first bomb on Christmas Eve 2006 (nice timing, don't you think?) and I was essentially forced to move out. She asked me to move back in in February, then out again in April. Downhill since then. So I'm actually about a year into this now, not counting the time I firmly believe she was MLC prior to the bomb. I also believe she spent 2006 in a depression.

I need to jump out there and take a look at your thread, but I'm wondering, did either of you move out of the house during the separation?

Contratulations on the the 20 year anniversary! That must have felt pretty damn great.....

[missmyfriend]

DNQ, I think that is actually the answer (poohbear). It is a matter of waiting it out. From a majority of the posters here, I think men have a tendency to be less patient than women (MLC or LBS or WAS). Women will put up with a lot more than men typically. I will say I am seeing a lot more MLC women now than MLC men at my place of employment. I know of three different men in our division alone that have wives that could be MLC.

I have a hunch that we would see more success stories from the men but we have a tendency to need a R or the attention of the opposite sex more than women seem to. We all get lonely but men seem to find it more excrutiating to be without a companion. I disagree that it hurts women less but I think their "pain tolerance" just like in child birth is much higher than the average man's.

IMO, of course.

[FaithfulH]

DNQ,

I have followed your sitch but I don't believe I have posted to you. I think there are several parallels in your sitch and mine...except my W and I have reconciled. You can find my threads (I only have 5) by going to my signature block below for the last one...at the top of that thread are links to the other 4 if you care to trace my journey.

Like Poohbear, I took the passive approach to the legal proceedings. My W filed for Legal Separation 2 weeks after the bomb...and then "upgraded" that to Divorce 4 weeks later. This despite the fact that she spent 4 hours telling me how surprised she was at all of the positive changes she had seen in me. I never moved out...nor did she...physically. Emotionally, she was a thousand miles away. Physically, she moved into the guest room. But don't get me started....that was then...this is now...and we are enjoying the best relationship we have ever had. We celebrated our 27th anniversary last June.

I'll leave you with one thought. I think my W actually left me primarily because of things she had to deal with (MLC stuff)....but, I believe she returned when she saw that she could "trust" me again. I'll keep an eye out for you...and I'll be glad to answer any questions you might have if you get a chance to scan my threads.

[poohbear]

Dad...

My W moved out and bought a house. She had made up her mind that she was not coming back. Our communication centered around the well being of the children. She was gone for about 16 months. I used my knowledge of the state's legal system in my favor. When she had her lawyer send me a letter to contact her to discuss the terms of the separation, I just did not call. I'm sure your state is different, but there are ways to drag things out as long as possible. I understand you have to respond to some things legally, but make sure you don't volunteer anything that doesn't need to be done immediately.

[Imageer]

DNQ, like MMF, I think that the reason you think more men return than women is because you male LBS tend to give up sooner than women. You'll seem to see men come here all ready to save their marriags and then a few months later claim that they are ready to accept their sitch and want to move on. The women seem to be able to wait it out better.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

DNQ,

My wife had affair, spent very little time at home, started living with friend like a hotel overnight bag. Went on 2 month absence from work on vacation with OM. I kicked her out of the house during that time took half the money in our account and sought out a shark of a lawyer.

She came back we tried working on it. She got an apartment a block away. She kept seeing OM. I gave her a deadline to end it, she was incapable, let me tell you how suck it is to see the OMs car outside there everynight, even the nights she had our 2 boys.

I told her it was over, the night I went there and interupted them in bed.

I kept emails and phone calls to nothing but our boys or our combined bills. Anytime she tried to engage in small talk or ask how I was doing, I would say, "So we are done talking then?"

2 months later she asked for one last chance. And in order to protect myself I told here exactly what this last chance would entail on her part.

That was last Sept. Since Jan 07 we have been doing very well, every day and month since then seems to be better. She moved back in Aug 07.

She is still in MLC, of that I am certain, but not the throes of it. We are rebuilding our relationship.

If you know a desired result will happen if you just wait long enough, that takes no courage, that takes no faith, that means nothing, it is simply suffering through until then.

Deciding to be married, waiting and not knowing how it turns out, even in the face of abysmal percentages...that takes courage. For as long as you can handle it, without living like the MLCer because they are doing it.

You are still dancing to other people, you do things to show up your wife, or because its ok because she did them first. You aren't planning on standing because not many wives come back compared to husbands...

Be a man, choose a path and stick to it.
I resent you because you talk about wanting to be married to your wife, but your out fuckin other people. You allow yourself to be tempted and ask what is wrong with that? More importantly you are either totally naive or totally disruptive by telling us here and getting indignant in the process. "Hey Adam you really should try this apple."

As for being friends with a person you have slept with, how realistic is that? It almost never is, one person will almost always still want that relationship.

Your 40 years old and virile...I get that. You aren't the only guy here with testosterone coursing through their system.

DNQ be married or be 'not married' but don't be a hypocrite. Don't say one thing and do another.

To answer our question to me from the other thread:

You would have to really hate someone to leave them in limbo on purpose. Its like the joke how do you keep a turkey in suspense?
If it is malicious then you do it on purpose knowing how disruptive it is and a game.
But I think (not a professional) that with MLC it is because they are are too selfish, too cowardly or they really do not have a f-ing clue how difficult it is for the LBS.