Doing the hokey-pokey was difficult for several months before surgery and about 6 months after surgery. BB said she was so frustrated, her sexuality turned in on her. She said she never wanted to depend on anyone sexually anymore and she didn’t think doing it herself was right or something like that.
During a verbal disagreement, BB said she didn’t want any more “O” because that part of her died and she never wanted to be horney again. When she was horney and I had serious back problems, it drove her to be frustrated, then resentful. She doesn’t want to go there again.
This makes me so sad. She killed her own sexual monkey. Which means according to my own pseudo-scientific theory that she erased her brain grooves linking the dopamine reward cycle to sexuality. She was probably able/willing to do this because she was raised in a culture that doesn't value female sexuality on it's own, she valued her relationship with you and didn't want to feel resentful and she was old enough that her monthly burst of testosterone wasn't strong enough to kick the dopamine back into that channel. Further evidence in favor of this would be the fact that she exhibited impulsive shopping behavior and impulsive pet-acquisition behavior. Probably if you left a plate of cookies out on your counter she would eat one even if her "plan" was to lose 10 lbs.
Here is your contribution to the problem. You are someone who has probably never done anything impulsive in your life. Therefore, you naturally view impulsive behavior as "bad" or "destructive". The thing to remember is that people who aren't impulsive tend towards viewing people who are impulsive as immature but they don't recognize their own counter-productive behaviors as immature or dysfunctional. These behaviors would generally fall under the category of "compulsive" or "retentive" or "expulsive". A good example of an impulsive character would be the role Lucille Ball portrayed on "I Love Lucy". It's easy to label that character as immature or childish or naughty or simply "would make me want to tear my hair out if I lived with her" but let's examine the facts by asking a few questions. Did Lucy ever do anything mean-spirited? Was Baby Ricky well cared for? Would a character like Lucy commit adultery or organize a genocide? If "I Love Lucy" was remade in a modern version without twin beds, do you think that Lucy and Ricky would be portrayed as having a hot sex life?
Anyway, my general prescription would be that you need to stop over-pampering BB's bunny and you need to stop caging her non-sexual monkey. You will probably never become an impulsive character yourself but you need to recognize that impulsive behavior does have some value if properly channeled. If testosterone is the dynamite, dopamine is the match and somebody has to be the monkey who is not afraid to play with fire. Impulsiveness when viewed through a positive filter is the playful spirit that messes things up a bit and thereby delays the heat-death of the universe that will occur when everything is perfectly ordered.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
