NikkiB #22 (almost separated)

[NikB]

Hi all - thanks so much for the comments and feedback! I appreciate it.

ediemarie
Ah sounds like you know exactly where I am at. It's like.. well yeah, it's MORE of an effort, but it falls FAR short of a commitment or enough effort.

I was looking through some old photos the other night - no not to torture myself, was looking for stuff to print and share with my grandma. I ran across one from Valentine's day 2 years ago - wow, what a difference. H had strung the yard with lights (reminiscent of our wedding), candles everywhere, a fire on the back patio, soooo romantic!! He even made the dog a little bed outside so she could join us and not be cold. Awww. And he cooked us a BBQ dinner. It wow'ed me at the time and it still does today, just remembering it. No way do I expect stuff like that all the time - but that reminded me SO much of what I want. That night I felt SO special, understood, loved, appreciated. Makes me sad a bit to think that he DIDN'T feel this in return (or now says he didn't, anyway). But trying to keep looking forward... THAT is what I want to feel in an R, and THAT what I want to give in return, too.

Ok that was a really long ramble that had not much to do with what you said.. sorry! Just triggered a memory.

As to busy and being out - definitely!! And loving every minute of it. It feels "real" now rather than the old "fake it til you make it" feeling I had for so many months. I enjoy seeing my friends rather than thinking "oh thank goodness someone else is trying to be out of the house tonight too" (if that makes sense). I've been staying out a LOT more in the evenings - often til bedtime or near bedtime. As for overnights I will be gone out of town for work next week and then in Sonoma the following weekend, so that's some built in nights away. Seems like the more I stay away the more he wants me home, just like you mentioned.

f21
Aw so sorry to hear you are having a rough day!! I will check in on you shortly. I have been GALing so much I've lost touch with everyone here a bit.

Thanks for the reminder - strength is important!! I talked to a girl tonight who was the WAW - she planned her "getaway" for two YEARS before she officially walked. She told her H that evening and moved out that night. Wow. We (friend and I) talked a bit about that. In the course of the convo I mentioned one thing I was grateful for is that no matter what happens with me/us I've had this time to gain strength and prepare. It wasn't my intent but she seemed to feel a bit guilty that her XH didn't have that time. It was interesting to see the other side of it. I asked her if her H had changed at 1 year into her planning what may have happened - she said "it would have taken a lot of work and commitment on his part but I might have reconsidered - I believe in the power of people to change but it's a lot harder than most people think. I had set a deadline date and he didn't meet it though." Thought that was interesting too.

You're officially the third person to tell me "don't wait til after the holidays." Maybe I need to listen eh? I remember the whole "wait til after the holidays" and what a fiasco it was last year so you may well be right. I need to pretend it's March or something.. hehe.

On asking for what I want - what's weird is can I really ask for what I want when I have no commitment from H? Sure I have some really positive signs... but nothing at all definitive that he wants this R/M. If I ask for what I want (commitment to try) right now I think he'll become resolved in his commitment to walk. Hmmm. Something to think on though, for sure.

OT and f21
You both make very good points about the precedent I'm setting. I'm not so sure about him being motivated to make any changes right now or me having a power position (more power in my OWN life but not so sure about my R/M).

Just wanting to explain a bit - I think I pour out so many thoughts here that it may sound like we have more R talks than we really have. The last one was about a month ago. At that time he was in "party all the time" mode, seemed to have a new EA (though seems to have lasted only a month or so?), and told me that he was acting the way he was because "MC told me I had to make a decision." He never even shared what that decision was but it was relatively clear that his idea was I'd disappear and leave him the house without any financial consequence. The closest we came to a reality talk at that point was him saying he regretted getting married and he got upset about the money for awhile - like money was the only "obstacle" to a D.

After that I created my room but haven't moved, decided that I didn't want to buy him out on the house, and basically have been acting and feeling as if I'm moving on towards the future without him (but while still living with him.. and with a thread of hope for building a new R with him although I finally feel I have let go of the old one). He's confused why I redecorated a room and wonders why I am gone a lot, but that's really all he "knows" or we've discussed. No R talks.. he didn't even ever know I planned or thought about separating, no idea about my decision on the house, etc.

So long story short.. OT, I totally see what you are saying. Maybe I just need to speak through actions. But I also see f21's point that it may be time to actually ASK for what I want. I feel somewhat like the WAW who never really made things clear.. like I'm avoiding the conflict rather than addressing the "hard stuff."

Hmm.

Donna
Thanks for the hello! I will drop by soon.

ST
Thanks for stopping by. Hey I forgot to tell you, I got that dark blue rug like you recommended and it looks SO good in that bathroom!! I'll have to take new pics, it made a tremendous difference. Thanks!!!

You're really right about my whole separate life. It's almost weird. I used to feel guilty having a life outside of H, now I'm kinda proud of it. Haven't given it up at all - stepped it up, if anything. Honestly if H asked to go out with me tomorrow I'd have to see if I could fit him in... and even then it might be a week out. It feels good.

And yep.. fear that I'll lose those few scraps/comforts if I move (to the bedroom or otherwise), that's right on, too. I have my whole other life going on but it's still nice to come home to someone who wants to hear about my day, would notice or care if I never came home, wants to snuggle in the morning for a few minutes. It's not enough but it sure is nice.

About the room, you're right I can definitely say I wanted to make it perfect. Or I could just have the original convo I planned since we never really did. He never even knew I was "moving" - our convo about the room consisted of him asking if "someone" was moving in there and I said "maybe."

haha I totally laughed when I saw your "start dating again" because at first I thought you meant *I* should start dating other people and I went woah!! Not ready for THAT yet! Then I caught what you meant. I think at this point that'd be pressure, but that's a good way to look at it. There IS a reason I got the queen sized futon as opposed to the twin sized daybed right . Um yeah I would NEVER do that with kids around, but that may be a good idea later on.. we'll see how things go, but I like the idea.

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Little more journaling:

Tonight I went out to dinner w/friends and had a good time. One of the girls likes to talk R and nothing but R (her former M, her current R, my M, anyone else's... it's OK for awhile but gets old!). Lots of good insights though.

Funny enough H called (twice) to tell me to have fun and ask me some questions that really had no urgency. I answered one call, let the other go to VM. He was still up when I got home (surprising as it was well past his usual bedtime, but I'm off tomorrow so I have no bedtime ). Weirdest of all he left his cell phone sitting here on the table almost directly in front of me. It was obvious enough that I asked him "Hey did you mean to put your phone on the charger?" - H replied "No it should be fine, but you can plug it in if you want." Geez. Invitation to snoop anyone? Funny enough... I don't want to. Dunno if that's detachment or indifference, but I honestly just don't care.

Tonight (late) just FINALLY catching up on the boards so hope to visit everyone shortly!!

Thanks again. Lots to think about as always.

Oh and before I forget - I already have my days planned from now through Sunday, so one more "no anxiety" weekend down. HOORAY!!!