One, I am not saying to focus on him ALL the time, what I asked is how much time each day IS he the focus of your life. My guess is most days, he is never the focus (we ALL have this problem more then we should). Your husband has known this for years. No matter WHAT he did, his needs NEVER became important enough to you. He has retreated into his "Cave". This is what men do unfortunately.
What happens is that having TOO much on your platter stresses you, and stress KILLS desire in LD people. HD people can take FAR more stress the LD people before their sex drives are impacted.
Ok, this is interesting to me b/c I want to know how you know this? Are you talking about my M or yours? First of all I don't have any idea how much focus my H is every day. How could I measure that? I think of him on and off all day long. I don't know of a day of my M that I didn't think of him. But, I don't know that I can give a percentage or whatever measurement as to how much time I put into thinking of his needs each day.
Secondly, how do you know that my H has known this for years and that no matter what he did his needs NEVER became important enough to me. This sounds more like you are talking about your own situation b/c how could you know that about me and my husband? And, why....why do you think that his needs NEVER became importatnt enough to me?
I do agree with you that he is in a "cave", but I don't agree with your thoughts about his needs not being important to me. If you have read all my posts, I gave the history behind that and that is one reason I am resentful b/c I was always the one that was working to make things good between us and spark things up in the M. Especially the first twenty years of our M, I tried everything I knew "focus" on him and his needs. Yes, there were sexual problems along the way....and I have explained that and won't go back all over that again. However, HE pulled away at the peak of what I thought was a "breakthrough" for us in the bedroom department. I thought....at last.....we would have the sexual relationship that we always wanted....and he left my bedroom and didn't return without any explanation. Does that make sense to you? I have asked him over and over and he has never given me an answer yet.....he doesn't know. So, I was the one that felt rejection.....not him.
So, men go off into their "cave" to pout or for self-protection or to ignor the problem....or whatever other reason. I say it is selfish. He has acted like he has been in a cave our entire M. I hate it and I resent it. What if I go into my own little cave? Which, by the way, I have! So, he is in his cave and I am in my cave. Cozy....huh?
You see, I look at it this way.....men seem to think, "Well, this is just the way we are...we go off into our cave". The truth there is that men think it is the responsibility of the W to do whatever she needs to do to coaks him back out again. However, since I have had to do that for almost 42 years.....I am sick of it. What if I decide I like being in my cave? I don't see him doing anything to try to pull me out.
As far as having too much on my platter stressing me out, well we shall see b/c I have given everything up except my job and I can't do that. In the past, when I didn't have things to do I would get very bored and usually more depressed. I never could tell it affected my sexual desire at all. So, we shall see, I suppose.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
