I appreciate you stopping by again frank. No, I will not try to get you to see my point of view. I record this b/c it helps me and maybe others.
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"But when her *feelings* for me or the family come back, it really hurts. A repeat hurt." That doesn't seem like 'I no longer care'.
You are right of course. I would be less than human if I had no reaction to being at her mom's funeral or seeing her at my mom's B'Day. I had a strong reaction to seeing her family again - I considered them my family. I had a strong reaction to her hugging me. I had a strong reaction when she came to see my mom. Her phone calls and asking about my feelings brought back memories.
Again, I am just that human.
It was like opening up a wound. Pain and hurt.
But this time, rather than bleeding all over the place I saw that the wound was closed - the scar tissue was pulled away and under it was healing.
The initial pain was there, but it quickly faded. Some of the pain was from shock more than anything, as WCW suggests. The shock of seeing the "old her" after so long a time.
Am I totally healed? Of course not. But the feelings I had for her and the hopes for restoration of the R are gone.
I feel pity for her and sorrow for the situation. And I feel the disappointment that Paul refers to above.
But the love is gone.
Am I suppressing my feelings? Maybe, but I really think not.
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I stand by my previous post. You are reacting out of hurt, anger and some depression.
A year ago I would have agreed with you. Even six months ago.
Not now. Sooner or later you process the anger, you assess the situation, you see things missed before.
You begin to see a different reality and how you must move on b/c it is the most healthy thing to do and that she is no longer right for me.
You process or you get stuck. Being stuck is no way to live.
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Your W is starting to see you in a different, more positive light, and you're too afraid to risk.
I am an engineer. When we assess the risk of a design passing a test or being built on time, if the risk is over 50% it is not considered a risk - it must be planned for as going to happen.
This is not a risk for me. She has done nothing but hurt me and my family for almost two years now. Nothing suggests that will change. Risk? I would be a pure masochist if I continued to hold out hope here. It is never okay to let another person hurt us.
That is where I am. The feelings I had no longer exist. You claim they are suppressed. They are not.
They are out in the open and I embrace them b/c they liberate me to explore life again, not just to focus on trying to repair something that cannot be repaired.
Wishing things were otherwise does not make them true.
That my friend is the greatest disorder of the mind.
