I don't know if I should continue to DB.

[forward]

I find myself feeling sad again but at the same time, I am so tired of making an effort that I am growing indifferent. Plus I am preoccupied with my purchasing fun, so that part is good!

I guess I did get some results because H did eat w/us twice this week. I just opted not to ask him if he wanted any. He had to hint. It is almost as if he is beginning to see that I am not looking to please him, which may be a 180 for me.

While I can continue to be friendly-ish, I am not feeling overeager and it shows. This may

I went to see H's work but I didn't tell him that I did. I am not going to bring it up unless he asks.

H hesitated leaving today (he just drops off D2 on these days) but it's not like he lingers with me.

I think H is taking OW back to his parent's house at Christmas. That made me sad, too--the sense of being replaced is definitive.

I don't think all is well w/OW but every now and then I get a sense of what he does with her and it is always things that I would have been THRILLED if he could have bothered to do them with me.

Maybe "not trying" is working and better for me.

I feel alternately attracted and not to Crushee.

[w8ing]

Hi, Breton,

Maybe he is peeking a little bit....but I think you are wise to not appear eager.

You know, it is interesting what you said about being thrilled if your H would have done, or would do with you some of the things he has done with OW. My H and I did do a lot of things together, and now I think he is doing the same kind of things with her. Goes to your "been replaced" comment as well.

Do you think your attraction to crushee is based on loneliness?

[forward]

W8, I am kind of in the mindset where I don't really care if he is peeking or not. It's not enough. He needs to take actions, and a lot of them.

I think some Hs look to try to recapture what they had with us. I don't think my H wants to accept that that time is over and it is time to be a father.

Crushee attraction is from both vulnerability and loneliness. I mean, total rejection from H at most vulnerable time of my life has me looking at men who put their families first.

I was also thinking of H's spew from the past and his attacks on my character and I just felt that there is no reason to be with someone who seems to think of me like that.

[forward]

H mentioned D again today. Said we needed to move forward with the proceedings. I just said "OK."

He acts more comfortable here, and more friendly. So I had made the mistake of thinking we had made progress. But I think things are still going strong w/OW.

Wanted to know if I went to see his work and I said I did.

I think OW is helping him pitch his work. I used to do a lot of that stuff for him. Then I thought, well, now I am doing my own work. And I feel more motivated to do well as a way of showing my own capabilities now.

[w8ing]

I'm sorry, Breton.

Do you think the OW is pitching a D, in addition to pitching his work?

I'm glad you saw the bright side of things (now doing your own work) - I think it helps.

Hang in there. Do you have plans for T-giving?

[forward]

W8, I don't know. I'd be surprised...but maybe.

Mentally, I think I need to think of H's mindframe as being permanent and I need to envision being D so that I can detach.

[w8ing]

I really do understand what you are saying. We always read here to protect yourself financially....but I think you also have to protect yourself a little bit emotionally and mentally, as well.

I do the same thing.

[forward]

Well, H spent holiday alone w/OW, as far as I know. He seemed a little angry when I asked him what he was doing--but also he used to complain about never having time to himself, etc., and used to complain bitterly about traveling on the holidays so maybe he actually prefers it like that.

I will see him tomorrow. I had a nice holiday with my family and continue to try to mentally prepare for D.

D2 is so talkative and interested in her cousins!

Am curious what he is doing for Christmas, but I'm pretty sure he's going to see family w/OW in tow.

[forward]

H is not going to family's at Christmas. That means a Christmas alone w/OW. Interesting.

H is ill and has not called about seeing D2. I did not call him. I thought about it but decided not to. It might've been nice but I am tired of being nice. H can soak in his illness w/OW playing nursemaid. I would be surprised if H wanted to spend more time w/D2 since he missed a day with her, but maybe he will.

I saw OW at store. I was surprised that she could drive (I thought she couldn't). The car she was driving was not H's.

I find myself increasingly thinking about filing myself. I rhink about other men and how they put their families first. And I think about whether I think H will ever come around and I do not hold out much hope.

I deserve better.

And with that I move on to plans for the holidays. This weekend I hope to host some people over for a playgroup and then go see the babysitter in program. The following weekend I am invited to a kid's birthday party and the weekend after that I am going to D2's Christmas program. The weekend before Christmas I am hoping for a babysitter who could watch D2 while I do some adult socializing!!

So I anticipate having a busy holiday season and I am OK with it.

[forward]

Ha! I think I have a babysitter for weekend prior to Christmas, which means I can go look at some art.

I have a beautiful piece all framed.

Well, today H tried to catch my eye and gave me this big toothy grin.

I hate to say it, but besides being surprised I am not sure that I cared.

Or maybe if I am being totally honest, I would say that I am tired and still angry.