Boy, could I use some input. Brief situation: Married for 23 years. Three kids, all grown with little grandkids. Wife used to be a sexual dynamo...never had any complaints. In fact, I used to brag and feel quite smug about our healthy sex life. Unfortunately, in the past 12-18 months, she's rapidly gone from HD to very, very LD. We made love three times in the past year, and one of those times, she said it was a "sympathy f___k", which, of course totally destroyed me. I started to withdraw and become depressed. She told me to go to the doctor and get on anti-depressants, which just gave me horrible side effects, but didn't make me feel any better. Of course not, I wasn't getting any love.
At one of my lowest points, I found DB and called and talked to Jodi for three sessions. She was great, and she helped me get a grip on my emotions. But my changing my behavior hasn't really done a damn thing. I've tried to initiate a couple of times in the past two weeks, and got rejected. I'm trying so hard not to show how much it hurts, but I'm in agony. She finally agreed to read the first chapter of SSM, but she just didn't get it. She sympathized with the LD women in the book, but just wouldn't accept the HD spouse's point of view. I've told her repeatedly that it's not about the sex, but the closeness and intimacy. I've told her I miss her touch deeply. It falls on deaf ears. I'm just a male sex maniac. I don't want to leave this woman, but it hurts so, so bad. And I am so, so tired of trying to put on a friggin' happy face (The counselor told me that my sad, pouty disposition was just driving her away).
I have put so much effort into trying to build the relationship, that I'm exhausted. At least when I was withdrawn, the lack of love didn't hurt so much.
Listen, without tooting my own horn, I work out every day, wear nice clothes, keep myself looking good. Other women hit on me. It is so unbelievably hard to turn them away. I don't know how much longer I can hang in there. Personally, I think if I talk to her about my needs one more time, she's going to walk out the door herself. I'm stymied, and just not sure if I can accept a life a celibacy.
Hi B50, Welcome to the board...there are a lot of helpful people here who can relate to your sitch. That is quite a drastic change in your W...what does she say about it? Has she gone for any kind of help, whether physical or emotional? What do you think is happening?
Hey bomber: any chance she's letting someone else bomb her? Sorry, but someone's got to be the first one here to ask.
Hairdog
Leave it to Hairdog to ask the question....Hmmmm seems he was also the first to ask me that same question when I first came on here But yes, a very fair question to ask.
Realjourney, she hasn't really sought any help. Of course, in my desperation, I asked her to go see a doctor (a common, and dumb request) because I suspected a menopause/hormonal thing. She never went. I suggested that either she or we talk to my coach. She didn't want to do counseling "over the phone." Her answer to the problem has two parts: a) we've changed, and b) it's all my fault. Now I admit, I haven't always been the world's greatest husband, but not the world's worst either. I will say this, her sister, who is slightly older, hit menopause like a brick wall, and put her husband through the same nightmare. They managed to stay together, but he's like a zombie.
Hairdog, I feel pretty certain she's not having an affair. Just a gut feeling, but I've never been suspicious. She's a horrible liar. Besides...she does say she still loves me, and I think she does. We just can't get through this wall, and I'm bloody, bruised, and exasperated from beating my head against it.
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
We just can't get through this wall, and I'm bloody, bruised, and exasperated from beating my head against it.
It doesn't sound to me like you've reached the end of your rope, because you are still there.
Your wants and needs are legitimate, but you are not treating them with respect and neither is she. She is RUNNING this situation with an iron fist, and you are letting her. THAT'S why she doesn't want to have sex with you.
Determine if the sex issue is actually a deal breaker for you. If it is, then ACT like it is. If it isn't, then stop making it out to be because all you are doing is creating strife.
I know you are hoping she will change so YOU don't have to draw a line in the sand. Good luck with that. There are lots and lots of people around here who have done that very thing.
But every single person here is going to tell you, that NOT drawing your line in the sand is the problem.
You also might want to get a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy." And do the exercises.
Determine if the sex issue is actually a deal breaker for you. If it is, then ACT like it is. If it isn't, then stop making it out to be because all you are doing is creating strife.
You also might want to get a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy." And do the exercises.
I need to get that book, because all SSM did for me was turn me into a pitiful "I'll try damn near everything" lump of flesh. The big thing for me is to figure out if it's a deal breaker. She keeps complaining about how her stressful job is wrecking her. She'll be quitting her job in the next couple of months or so. I wonder if her drive will return. I wonder if I have the patience to wait...
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
The big thing for me is to figure out if it's a deal breaker.
Yeah. It's a big one. NMMNG talks about this, I believe.
Quote:
She keeps complaining about how her stressful job is wrecking her. She'll be quitting her job in the next couple of months or so.
I'd tell her to hang on to her job, she might need the income.
Quote:
I wonder if her drive will return. I wonder if I have the patience to wait...
This is going to sound harsh, but her sex drive is NOT your problem, and because you have made it your problem, you are actually considering waiting... and this is part of The Problem.
You two are empty nesters now. You've raised your kids. I know you don't want to break apart your family, and it wouldn't be good, regardless... it isn't like you have little ones, and your wife can't take care of herself. I admire the loyalty you have to your family and your wife. It is time she step up to the plate and return some of that loyalty and respect. She won't do it, though, if you allow her not to.
Boy. That sure does look nice and tidy and simple, doesn't it? I face my own issues. I'm a woman and in a bit different sitch than you, but. No matter how well I can preach this stuff, it isn't easy. I always go back to... "Who Am I, and What Do I Want To Be?" It keeps things simple for me.
I drew my line in the sand! It took almost 2 years for me to do this. I begged, pleaded, talked, read and had it pretty much consume my whole life.
I am 47 and was not married to this women. We broke up and I started to date around. After all those rejections, I HAD too to do this! My confidence came back in 3 weeks! Yes, I was amazed.
Funny thing is that now my X-SO is wanting to work things out. The plus is that now she knows it is a dealbreaker for me. We'll see what will happen.
I think I was a little more forcefull than you. I talked about this way too much and had a few outburst but that was early on. I should of drawn my line in the sand after 6 months!!
I did read the No. More Mr. Nice Guy book. My X-SO makes comments that I have swung the other way. Previously, she said I was this type of guy... blah, blah, blah...
But yes, a very fair question to ask.