I Was Almost A Walk-Away Wife (next thread)

[RealJourney]

Sandi, What dosage are you on? And for how long? Increasing the dose may simply increase the side effects. My adivice is to try to give each med at least 4wk trial. For myself, I learned the hard way that the SSRI's aren't effective for me, and in fact, make me feel worse. This isn't easy.

[GoodGuy]

Hi Sandi, I posted in my usual spot, "Time for the last and final technique". Please reply, you know how I need your input.
Hope you and your H had a nice Thanksgiving.

[saffie]

Sandi,

I will of course post to you again. Being in the Uk I am on a different time spot. I have just nipped on quickly to check up on you but my eldest D is nagging me to get on the PC to do homework.

Try getting those books I mentioned. They helped me as much as AD's did. Infact, in the long run they are becoming a sort of 'bible' to me. I go back to them time and again.

Email me your email - mine is in my profile. There are a couple of things I would like to say but not on the boards.

I know you may not feel like it but you do have a lot going for you. YOU are a good person and so is your husband - it's all about getting on the same page at the same time.

(((((((HUGS)))))))

Saffie

[sandi2]

RJ,

I've been on 50 mg since the 6th of Nov. He said he would probably up it to 100 this next time. One thing about Fibromyalgia is not enough seratonin (sp?) and if I understand all of this stuff, I think this type of AD is suppose to help up that. I can't even spell it much less explain it. But, I sure don't know what to take. Prozac sure didn't help. Lexapro, Wellbrutin, and something else, can't remember. Nothing helped. I've been off of everything for about a year and felt as good off as I did on, but my family thought I needed to try it again and just see if there was something that would help. At first, I think I felt better for several months, but then I started getting more depressed. Ironic to say this, but it actually got worse about the time I was going through my grieving period with OM. That's why I said it worried me to feel like this. I feel vulnerable. Just about the time I think I have it licked, then I'll have a bad day and wish I could talk to him b/c he always stroked my ego and made me feel better. So, I go back and read those first old post that I sent when I came on board, and it usually does the trick for me.

Thanks for caring enough to keep checking in on me. It means a lot.

[sandi2]

Hey DomR,

I said I separated from my husband when we had been married about a year. I also agreed it would be nice to get away and have time alone, but that I couldn't see that happening since it takes both of us to run one house. I really do wish I could have some alone time.....I think it would help a lot. But, that doesn't mean I am about to pack up my bags.

I don't think I'm in a place right now to do what you asked of me. I'm sorry. But, I know me....and I have got to want to do this or it won't work out. I cannot make myself do certain things when I don't want it and right now, I am sorry to say that I just don't want it.....not today. I don't care right now if it works or not. I'm just in one of those moods. I'm tired, I don't feel good and I don't feel like trying to talk to him about our MR. I feel like we have been around the same mountain so many times until we have beaten a path down and still have accomplished anything.

I am not saying that your idea is not good, but I just don't feel the timing is right. I feel out of whack and he is too tired today too, so It is going to have to wait until a better time.

I'm not in a good place, but I think I'll be okay. I hope. As long as I have you all supporting me.

[ann25]

Hi Sandi,

I'm glad that I was able to improve your mood. You seem like such a sweet caring person. I hate to see people really down. No one should have to feel so bad.

I'll write more later when i have a chance or you can read my post. Basically we were both unhappy, not getting needs met. He said he wanted a Divorce cause I couldn't give him 100%. I met somone online and we talked for a few months. H found out and we talked. Now we are both kinda in a place where we want it to work (i know I am, he says so, but I'm not so sure sometimes). I find myself being more and more annoyed by him. Less and less attracted to him. We are just starting out and I don't want to be a WAW, but I just don't like being there much.

take care for now.

[sandi2]

One, I am not saying to focus on him ALL the time, what I asked is how much time each day IS he the focus of your life. My guess is most days, he is never the focus (we ALL have this problem more then we should). Your husband has known this for years. No matter WHAT he did, his needs NEVER became important enough to you. He has retreated into his "Cave". This is what men do unfortunately.

What happens is that having TOO much on your platter stresses you, and stress KILLS desire in LD people. HD people can take FAR more stress the LD people before their sex drives are impacted.

Ok, this is interesting to me b/c I want to know how you know this? Are you talking about my M or yours? First of all I don't have any idea how much focus my H is every day. How could I measure that? I think of him on and off all day long. I don't know of a day of my M that I didn't think of him. But, I don't know that I can give a percentage or whatever measurement as to how much time I put into thinking of his needs each day.

Secondly, how do you know that my H has known this for years and that no matter what he did his needs NEVER became important enough to me. This sounds more like you are talking about your own situation b/c how could you know that about me and my husband? And, why....why do you think that his needs NEVER became importatnt enough to me?

I do agree with you that he is in a "cave", but I don't agree with your thoughts about his needs not being important to me. If you have read all my posts, I gave the history behind that and that is one reason I am resentful b/c I was always the one that was working to make things good between us and spark things up in the M. Especially the first twenty years of our M, I tried everything I knew "focus" on him and his needs. Yes, there were sexual problems along the way....and I have explained that and won't go back all over that again. However, HE pulled away at the peak of what I thought was a "breakthrough" for us in the bedroom department. I thought....at last.....we would have the sexual relationship that we always wanted....and he left my bedroom and didn't return without any explanation. Does that make sense to you? I have asked him over and over and he has never given me an answer yet.....he doesn't know. So, I was the one that felt rejection.....not him.

So, men go off into their "cave" to pout or for self-protection or to ignor the problem....or whatever other reason. I say it is selfish. He has acted like he has been in a cave our entire M. I hate it and I resent it. What if I go into my own little cave? Which, by the way, I have! So, he is in his cave and I am in my cave. Cozy....huh?

You see, I look at it this way.....men seem to think, "Well, this is just the way we are...we go off into our cave". The truth there is that men think it is the responsibility of the W to do whatever she needs to do to coaks him back out again. However, since I have had to do that for almost 42 years.....I am sick of it. What if I decide I like being in my cave? I don't see him doing anything to try to pull me out.

As far as having too much on my platter stressing me out, well we shall see b/c I have given everything up except my job and I can't do that. In the past, when I didn't have things to do I would get very bored and usually more depressed. I never could tell it affected my sexual desire at all. So, we shall see, I suppose.

[cemar2]

Sandi2:

I am not asking you how much time you put into "thinking" about his needs, I was asking how much time do you spend actually MEETING his needs. This could be kissing, cuddling, flirting, being sexy, flashing him, showing him desire.

You mentioned before that you were rejecting sex with him, that you spent a long time working on the sex and it was just starting to get better, and he essentially moved out of the bedroom. You were thinking that SEX was his need, and that really is NOT his need. This is where LD women tend to do the wrong thing, they tend to focus on GIVING their man sex, or upping the frequency. This is NOT going to help. To meet the need for complete sexual fulfilment requires that the WOMAN physically want US. Giving us sex because it is OUR need is going to fail, WANTING us for sex is how you meet the need. My guess is that your husband NEVER felt DESIRE from you, and without DESIRE, you really can not have love. It is ALL about DESIRE, it is NOT about sex.

[sandi2]

Cemar,

Okay, I see what you are saying. So, if there is no longer any desire on my part.....I no longer feel any attraction for him, what do you suggest?

[Dom R]

Well, here's where cemar and I differ.

I think that "wanting to (sexually) take care of your spouse" is more important than "feeling horney".

Some men are so insecure, they "want someone to sexually desire them", and it doesnt matter how the woman feels about the man as a person.

in some ways, just "being horney", can almost be negative. If you are just "horney", but dont care about his sexual needs... then you are just basically using him. I dont see how many men would see that as a positive feeling from you. it may be "fun", but... it's not fulfilling in the emotional sense.

For the saner, more centered man, it is more important that the woman "wants to be with him sexually".
That is *not* the same as "being turned on".



Sandi, I recognize that you actually want NEITHER at this point :-/

However, at some point, there may come a time when you "want to take care of your husband", even if you are not sexually turned on yourself.

If you choose to show him, "I want to take care [of your needs]", then that will make him happy.

To counterpoint what cemar was saying;
I actually agree with him, that "giving your H sex", is NOT a positive thing. In the sense of, "ok, you want sex, so I shall make a 'sacrifice', and GIVE you sex. oh, i'm suffering, but I shall do this terrible thing for you...." No. Bad bad bad.
It makes him feel like a burden. it makes him feel bad. it makes him not loved. [because doing positive things, for someone you love, shouldnt feel like a "sacrifice"]


In contrast, "I am going to be sexually intimate with you, because seeing you sexually happy makes ME happy... i WANT to see you sexually happy!" is all positive.
That is "a desire for him". It's a little more complicated than a "I want your bod" desire... but it IS "desire for him". It would make him happy.