I personally don't think that you should be discussing the details of your marriage with your D. That is an awful lot for a kid to handle. I know she is 20, but I have been in her shoes (my dad went through this when I was 21) and I was never told the details. Things were uncomfortable enough...and quite frankly, when they got back together...it took me much, much longer to forgive him about everything that he had done. Your kids are your kids, not your friends to confide in, not your counselor to seek advice from, and not to be used to try and fix the situation.
And telling them may just push your W further and further away.
My mother spoke with almost no one about her situation. When my father returned, she didn't have a lot of explaining to do as to why she took him back. She didn't have anyone judging her on her decision to take him back. It really was easier for her.
Scotty - I am just a rookie here and not experienced at all in any of this. But I did go through this before with my dad and learned some valuable lessons from my mom. I have told my family and two friends. That's it. Many others know - either through my H or through the kids at school (long story here), but not from me. To the best of my knowledge, only a couple know of his A. I don't discuss it with anyone. It is hard for me at times, but I come here to vent and it does help.
Anyway, I am relatively new and don't know if this is good advice or not...but it is what I would do.
May I ask where you are in PA? I do understand if you don't want to answer online.....
W8ing, I understand where you are coming from, as I have been getting conflicting advice from different people. The biggest problem I have is that my W has already filed for D, and she is going to break up the family for her indiscretion. This D is going to profoundly affect my kids, and my W says that she wants to keep them out of this! This is why I am struggling with what to do. If it was just a fling and there was a chance that she would reconcile, I would deal with it. She is telling everyone that WE decided to D 2 years ago and were just waiting for the kids to complete high school. This is where I am getting ticked off. When people ask me about it, I tell them the truth. Problem is, my W is seen as a wonderful person in this community, and I am sure everyone believes her. Got to go. Let me know what you think.
I don't have any idea what my H is telling people about us. I told him at the beginning of all of this that I would not discuss the details because it was in the best interests of my daughters to keep my mouth shut. But I also told him that, if asked, I would state that this is not my decision or action. I told him up front that this was important to me because I do not believe in divorce. And I have done that. People have come up to me with the "I'm sorry", "how are you" and "I wasn't aware there was a problem". If appropriate, I would say that is was not my decision...but I never gave, nor do I give any other information. Even with his parents - I do not know what they have been told. We have always been close and they called to tell me that they love me, etc. I said my standard phrase (not my action) and let it go at that. As a side note, I do know that he shared intimate details of our sex life with a friend of ours. The friend was asking me about it and I responded with the "that really is personal".
Ugh. That is why you don't get into details about personal matters.
I have removed myself from it. I try not to think about what he tells people or what people think. I have had to or my emotions would run all over the place.
I don't know if you are hoping for a reconciliation with your W or not, but filing for D doesn't necessarily mean that you will get a D. But whether or not you actually do divorce - what has happened so far does impact your kids. But what would talking to them about the details resolve? I can't imagine that they would want to know about your W's extracurricular activities. I was the one in my family who found out about my dad's...trust me, kids don't want to know this kind of information, no matter what age.
My husband was also seen as a great person in this town. That is changing.... People here don't care for husbands/fathers who walk out on their family. And the sad thing is, is that he predicted it. He told me during the speech that he expected to be "shunned".
Scottymack - simply put...you can never go wrong with taking the high road. In my opinion - when you try to counter claim what your wife is telling everyone, you stoop to her level. Is this really something that should be played out in public? What does it resolve?
I have tried to handle my situation with dignity and grace. I have tried to set an example for my daughters on how to deal with disappointment in life. I have been trying to take the high road.
I don't want to be traveling the same road as H anyway so it works out well for me.
I am about the same age as your wife, and can relate somewhat to your questions about menopause, and also talking to your grown children.
What I get from talking to a lot of women is that menopause affects us all differently. There are no hard and fast rules, except that we do feel that we are different. For me the biggest change is sleeplessness. I'm on these boards all night. For others it's hot flashes, or lowered immunity. Most of the women I know have not had a MLC and had affairs. But it certainly is a possibility. I think many people do stay in marriages they consider unhappy, waiting for the kids to finish high school and put off a break until then. It is possible she has been planning this for a long time. Emotionally she may have packed her bags and checked out of the marriage years ago. Doctors rarely prescribe HRT these days since it raised the cancer risk. So I doubt you would get any help there. Some women take black cohash and soy on their own to lessen the effects of menopause. I've never tried it.
When my husband and I were on the rocks I spoke honestly to my children about it. For 2 reasons. One, that's how I've always dealt with my kids, and I'm not changing it. And 2, because they are adults involved in their own relationships and can benefit from knowledge about marriage. I use every example I can think of from my past to counsel my kids on how to deal with the opposite sex. I don't judge you at all for talking openly with your kids. I encouraged mine to talk to their father about how they felt about breaking up the family. My oldest punched the door to his room til it pulled the hinges from the frame and broke a hole in the wall behind it. He didn't hesitate to tell his father what he thought. The other two were silent. But they all felt that it was their life too that hung in the balance.
w8ing, lots of great things here. You are right. I dont want to take the road that my W is on. Was at church this morning and someone came up to me and gave me a hug and said that they heard we are getting a D. I told them that it was not my decision, and my W wants everyone to think that this was our decision together. This is what is so hard. My W is still at home, and she does the email and phone conversations with OM behind my back. At this point I wish she would just leave so I can feel comfortable in my own house again. I am going to approach her this week about the retrouvaille program coming up close to our area in January, and if she doesnt want to go, I will have to force her hand. I will tell her that we have to learn to communicate, regardless if we get D or stay together. I will also mention to her about what may happen when all this comes out in court, the kids will be devestated and her family will know that she played them for fools. Her L will not negotiate, and we will wind up in court for the D. My W is being discreet enough around the kids that they dont suspect her doing her thing with OM. Plus she goes to Mass almost every day, so everyone thinks she is a saint. Havnt read your sitch, is your H still at home? This is my biggest problem, b/c it is getting to the point that I cant stand the sight of my W anymore P.S. I know you asked where in PA that i lived, I will only say near Gettysburg. Talk to you soon. Take care.
I've been posting over on Divorced but not done. I have a feeling this board is probably more appropriate for me. My divorce was final in August and it took about a 10 months from the time my ex-wife filed. You can read my story under "Divorced, but still hoping for a miracle", so I won't repeat myself here.
MLC had never even entered my mind until I had mentioned how my ex was acting to a friend. She started getting into running just before her 40th birthday and has run a couple of marathons. I hardly ever see her, but have heard that she is wearing clothes that a 20-year-old would wear. She has lost just about every friend that she had prior to our divorce. She recently bought a red Toyota that almost could pass for a sports car. It isn't a Corvette, but it might as well be. My kids told me that they can't eat in her car. I find this extremely ironic, since I had try to enforce this rule while we were married because I was the only one that ever cleaned the car.
I also found out right after our divorce that she had been seeing OM. This really caught me by surprise. She has been so secretive about it and has barely told her family about him. Ever since I brought the OM up to her, she hasn't spoken a word to me. She won't answer my phone calls (which I keep to issues regarding the kids). If I'm lucky, she might return an email.
Anyway, without going on too long, she fits the MLC description perfectly. Mutual friends say she has totally lost it. I've heard that you must let it run its course. 2 - 5 years seems like a really long time. It's actually been about 18 months since our separation. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth trying to wait it out, especially when she acts so selfish and treats me like crap.
I guess I'm probably not going to help your situation out much as yours is a little different. It just makes me feel a little better to write about mine and hope that someday it will get better.
Possible42, hang in there. I live in PA and I dont have to do anything about the D for 2 years. My W orginally filed in August, but her L screwed up the paperwork and filed it in the wrong county, so we had it thrown out and she had to refile in our correct county and so now my "D" date is october 10. (My L said that she has the worst L in the area, and I believe that b/c who wouldnt have the paperwork filed properly and in the correct county?) I can sit on it until 2009 and even then will have the upper hand when the court date comes, b/c my L says that the judges in my county are much more positive with the LBS and frown upon the adulterers. My sitch is a little different in that my W wont leave, and I am still baffled by this. She wants out, she wants to be alone, she wants no relationship(when she said this I asked her what about the OM.) She says she has no place to go. Does this mean she knows that if things with the OM dont work out, she will always have me here? No use racking my brain to try to figure things out, b/c nothing they say or do make sense. I read the MLC for dummies at the top of the MLC thread, and my W does about 2/3 of what it says. The only thing my W hasnt done is left the house, and gone out to buy a red corvette. Am going to approach W this week about going to retrouvaille in January, a program by the catholic church that is like a marriage weekend, but it has presenter couples that have been through everything that you see on this board. I have talked to many people who have gone, and they have said that it transformed them. Not everyone makes it through, but I think the success rate is like 70 to80% that stay married. I W wont go, I will have to threaten her with exposure. My S18, and D20 already know that mom is messed up, but I will ask her if she thought about how they will react when they find out their mom is having an A. She is living a double life, and has been telling people that WE have been planing this for 2 years and decided to wait til the kids were in college. HUH? I have corrected many people so far, and sooner or later the s--t is gonna hit the fan for my W. When people find out the real truth, she is going to find out the hard way that you cant continue to lie. All it does is make you lie more to cover up the previous lies. Have to go now, let me know how you do.
ILF, the OM lives 100 miles away, is M and has a D20 that apparently has emotional problems. My W has tried several times to see him half way, as I have copies of emails that she sent directions to a hotel to him. I also have copies of credit card statements that show that she reserved a room and was charged for it, then the next day she was refunded the charge. Can't really prove that she has seen him, but I cant believe that if she tried several times in the past, that she hasnt seen him. When I caught her right after the bomb talking to OM openly in the kitchen, I found about 10-15 calls a day for about 5 months on her cell. She then went out and bought a new phone. This advice was given to her by OM, b/c he also has 2 cell phones. Also, when I found the new cell in her purse, I checked the text messages and found one to OM that said cancelled room. I cant believe that he has any intentions to D his 2nd wife and marry my W, and he is just living the high school fantasy that my W is living. Like I have said before, W isnt going to leave her kids and all her family here to go and live with OM. His 1st wife also lives in the same community, so I just cant see a W and 2 X's living in the same town. W has been very nice to me since the weekend, and I have been putting things together, trying to figure out her moods over the last few weeks. My S18 is home from college for the holiday, and since then she seems very happy. Got to be empty nest. When she is bitchy,and treats me like crap, S is not home. Again it seems she is concerned about certain things, like she made me lunch on sunday, (but then again my S was home), came home last nite while I had lots of work to do on the laptop, and asked if I was going to eat. Wants to tell me about lots of things at work, and different things that are happening in her life. I am trying to take this one day at a time, but I cant believe how she can turn the switch on and off at any time. But dont you think that if she was really emotionally detached from me, she wouldnt even attempt to do some things that I consider nice? I mean, if she really wants this D, why wouldnt she be bugging the crap out of me to sign? May be at the crest of the hill, waiting for the downward spiral.
Havn't posted in a while, things really havn't changed much in the last week or so. My S18 made the basketball team at college, and has started a regular schedule. The school is only about 45 minutes away, so it is easy to drive to see him play. W now doesnt come home on most game nights, and she drives her mommy and daddy to the games. She is acting like a spoiled brat, and now that i think about it, I remember stories she has told about how she was when she was in grade school. Both she and the IL's are now a bunch of snobs when they make their entrance into the gym. They walk in with their noses high in the air, and I just have to laugh to myself about how a 50 year old and 2 70+ year olds can act like that. W always has to smile and make small talk to me at the games, as I am sure she wants IL's to think that we are being amiable. MIL actually said hi to me at the last game, and I was very surprised. When the game was over, we hung out in the lobby waiting for S to come out of the lockerroom to talk to him. As I was waiting for him, i checked out a pamphlet rack at the coaches office and found some revised schedules for the season. I picked up a few and when i turned around to give one to the IL's, they and the W had left. What a bunch of babies! I waited around for the S, but after a while I figured he wasnt coming out anytime soon, so I walked out to the car. The IL's were waiting for my W to bring the car around, so I gave ML a new schedule and she thanked me! I will continue to be nice to them and let them think that their darling daughter is a b----. Before S left to go back to school on Sunday, he told me not to worry about what the other side of the family thinks about what is going on. He told me that everyone knows what W is doing, and that she is lying about the sitch. I still have to worry what he really thinks about his mom, and I am afraid that she is going to ruin any R she has with him. It will be her loss. Asked her this past weekend about going to Retrouvaille in January, and her response was "don't you think it's too late for that?" I told her no, that we need to learn to communicate, and that I want us to go. I told her to think about it this week, as we have to schedule soon. She didnt say no, and she didnt throw the papers on the program away. So I am hoping against hope that she will go. W still wants to talk about all kinds of things, and I continue to listen, and she actually sat next to me at dinner last friday nite. Having her cake, and eating it too? Up and down I go, and when it stops, nobody knows.
