Jak, My W and I had a good phone conversation today, after some turbulence last night. She went to bed early, and I've been sleeping in the guest room, as I've been feeling distant as she's been frequently angry with me this past week.
She wanted to know why I haven't been talking to her as much lately. She seems to not be aware of how her anger affects me and the M.
We talked about her stressors--job she hates, financial, smoking cessation. I tried to help her see the positives in each situation. She said that she's willing to tolerate her job for now to help with things financially. We joke that her mantra is IT PAYS THE RENT.
I again pointed-out how I thought her start at smoking cessation was positive. She only sees that she's still smoking. She said that she gets a tear in her eye, when I praise her on her smoking efforts.
I told her that we're in much better financial shape than we were last year. This year we have the cash to cover the things she feels like she needs to buy. She's buying mostly items for the home. We laughed that it's like we're moving into our home all over again.
I helped her to see that a job with a consistent schedule would be in her best interest, so that she can have some boundaries between her personal and work life. She creates her own schedule now, and sometimes has very long days, and loses balance in her life.
We problem-solved around her concern of disorganization in the cabinests, and difficulty finding her containers and lids. This caused the turbulence last night. We're going to keep the containers in a separate bag for now.
We also problem-solved around the issue of how having her BIL pick-up the food on Sunday creates a deadline and stress for each of us. I told her that I don't operate well under tight deadlines. It would be better for me to drop-off the food on my own, to avoid conflict between us.
She apologized for her outburst last night, without being asked. I didn't ask for one, because she didn't say anything inappropriate.
The conflict management book continues to be helpful. I like the idea of approaching conflict like exercise, or anything else that is healthy. You make it a daily practice, in order to reap its rewards, versus avoid it because it creates fear and discomfort.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
