M--- That is probably the better idea. I still find myself shaking my head that we are really in this place. He loved me for so long...but doesn't anymore. I still look back carefully to see what it is that I did wrong, learn from it for the future. But I also realize that it is more him, and that there is nothing left for me to do or try to fix it. Just get out of the way.
The whole thing reminds me of labor--every time I thought it couldn't possibly hurt any more than this...it did! But I survived that, and will survive this.
And I am very cautious about the present, questioning myself at every thought and move. Could be overanalyzing, but trying to live for the moment. I am heeding the advice about not getting over-involved with someone who I would just repeat the same patterns with. It is a beginning of I'm not sure what. We don't know each other well enough for me to judge that, yet. We'll see. Right now, being around this new man makes me feel good--I am surprised myself at the lack of guilt (I thought I would ultimately never be able to be around someone other than H). I don't want him too deeply in my life--I'm not looking for a caregiver for myself or my kids (I actually wouldn't even intro him to them before 6 months post-D); I want to learn to experience and savor my independence. A nod to OT--no more enmeshment!
H has the kids tonight until 7:30. I have IC, then time to straighten the kitchen and vacuum. I had AlAnon last night; my sponsor shared her story (amazing how so many of us become blind to the problems in our lives as a defense mechanism).
I'd like to get my nails and hair done before Saturday, but not sure that its going to happen. Tomorrow is Brownies, then Fri is the lawyer meeting, so not too much time for me...
