Why can't I do this....

[houndfan]

Well, tomorrow at 9:30 we embark on MC. I am so anxious about it I think that I could puke. See, when the bomb was dropped I asked her to go with me to my IC, I thought that maybe he would be able to shed some light on some of my issues as she believed up until that point that I had some nasty personality disorder. Well the IC meeting was a mess, I felt trapped and tag teamed by W and IC.

At the end IC said that he would not get involved in continued manipulation of W. That was it over done.

Well that was over a month ago, before the revelation of the OM before some of the strides that I feel like we made last week. Well the last two days have been a nightmare both with my sitch and about everything else in my life and I am not sure that I am strong enough to go to MC and DB....

She too is having a rough couple of days as has been evidenced above. But, I am so afraid of how this will go tomorrow. I have been working hard at this DB stuff, have taken Dom's advice and moved back from LRT to some serious 180's. I can see the gains from time to time, but end of the day W still does not feel in love with me. Still wants to pursue OM, still wants to D even though some actions and word counter that thought.

So what do I do tomorrow? Do I hit first and accept responsibility for my cheating and other negative behaviors that have impacted this marriage? Do I affirm her feelings and continue to DB in the session.

OR do I say some of what I have been thinking lately especially when it comes to this seperation? Do I explain to the MC that I feel it unfair that I am the one out of the house (even though I am trying like hell to get back in) and that I should be able to seek alternative living arrangements that would allow me to have time with my children. Should I bring up the fact that if we are really going to S/D that she may need to begin looking for employment because even with the money that I make, there is no way that she should be allowed to stay at home further and impact this family. Should I bring up the fact that when OM is out of the picture we seem to be making positive strides but once she begins to communicate with him we step right back to where we are today.

WTF!!!!! I am so confused right now. I thought that this was the answer to my prayers that we would be going to MC, I thought that this would be a agood step but now, I am thinking that this may be a big mistake. Maybe we would be better off if I continue to DB and get DB coaching, my IC and just work. There are a million what if's, I know that I should only worry about what I can control, but I am so confused by my life.

Gonna sound whiney now but I hate where my life has taken me and sometimes I want to go get a case of beer, a can of chew and sit on the dock and be the old me and get drunk and run away.....