We had a really good talk yesterday while I was at work. About how we are both really bad conflict-avoiders, and both had a problem with assumptions. So, we are both going to try being completely honest with each other. So far, so good. During the talk, xh said he we should order a pizza later and hang out some, and I agreed.
Well, after work, I realized I was just really upset, still having trouble with my appetite, and just didn't feel like it at that point. So I called him. He asked why I was canceling. I said I felt really hurt, and just wanted some alone time to cry. He asked if we could do pizza after. I said I didn't know how I would feel--maybe. Since I had been meaning to mention it, I asked him, if were such good friends, why didn't he invite me to do things with the rest of his friends? I could almost hear the light bulb. He said he didn't know, but would think about it.
xh then asked if I could drop off DS on my way home. I said sure, but I wanted him to come down to the car. He asked why. I said, for one, I always dawdle when I go in. Two, I can't stand that picture of JD in the living room. xh quickly offered to lay it face down. I thanked him, but said I just wanted him to meet me downstairs.
We talked for a while longer. Good convo...politics, world events, etc. Actually, talking to him helped me calm down. But I reiterated that I needed some time alone, because I was hurting. During the drive down, he said he really needed some time to do schoolwork. We rearranged the baby plans...I would take DS home (because he was sound asleep), and then xh would come by later.
Twenty minutes after I got home, xh called. Was I okay? Was there anything he could do? I thanked him for his concern (instead of giving him a 'duh' response), and just asked when he would be by later.
xh came by much later. Baby was asleep. He laid down on my bed beside where I had laid DS down. I wound up laying down behind xh, and cuddling up against him. I've noticed he's not rejecting my attempts at affection like he did months ago. He said the 'hug' was nice, so I just laid there for awhile with him.
He said he 'needs' the baby at night. He told me again how he accommodated me while I was trying to establish bf'ing. (We had an exceptionally hard time. He was supportive, and I couldn't have done it without his help.) I finally caved, and said he could spent the night 'tonight'. The main reason really being because I know how much he did to work around our nursing issues. I said he was more than welcome to take DS tomorrow night. He made some comment about the baby sleeping better with me, because of his attachment to nursing. (He wakes up once a night because he's thirsty. He's not an all-night-nurser, nor at his age does he 'need' me to sleep anymore.) xh asked me to stay at his place tomorrow night.
I told him that I'm not staying the night at his house anymore. (Ew ew ew, don't want near that bedspread!) I said, again, he should just take DS overnight. He said something really weird about being willing to stay every night at my place if necessary to be by his kid. I told him that didn't make sense...he knows he can have DS overnight. He just said, again, that it was 'better for DS' if I'm around. (They spent a whole weekend together without me, and were fine. Riiiight.)
xh asked about my libido. I said I still wanted to jump him. (I think it's all these super-intense talks.) He said I should 'get a bf' to solve that problem. I got irritated--told him that was a mean and hurtful thing to say, that I didn't want a bf, and point-blank said that adding another person to this mess was a horrible idea.
So, this morning, I curled up around xh for a bit. He gave me a big huge bear hug. Got two more hugs when he left.
I called him when I was headed out for work. One of the best tricks I learned, years ago, was to do random, light calls. So, I called to ask him how to say 'clean' in Spanish. I could remember 'diaper', but not clean. Was just a five minute convo, but I told him I had been afraid when he didn't initially answer it was because someone was at his house with him. He laughed, said no, that he was at school. (I could hear school sounds in the background.) Turns out I did know how to say it, but had forgotten. Oh well. He asked if I could stop by his house for an hour or so with DS later. I said I didn't know. He said he'd like to pick DS up early...I said I wanted to stay later at work, then do some cardio. xh said he if I would come by his place, he'd be fine with me staying later at work. I said that would work, except I hate that picture. xh said he would make sure it was put away when I get there. (I'm hoping maybe she'll get mad when he forgets to put it back up one of these days!)
As an aside...I noticed DS (13 months) is looking for me at night now. At least, it's obvious that that's what he's doing...he may have done it before. He'd squirm, complain, open his eyes, say 'Ma', and reach out to touch my face before going back to sleep.
Things that work...
Obviously, he's more attached than even I had realized.
Just telling him "I'm upset/weird/uncomfortable" and then what seems to work well. I don't justify my feelings. When I don't yell, don't tell him he's being a jerk, he tends to offer to help.
Apparently, he's open to my being affectionate with him now. He's not completely responding in kind, but he's not shoving me off or turning cold like he used to. I ask him if it's okay, and to tell me to stop if he doesn't like it, but I'm going to keep doing this unless he tells me otherwise. I'm also not going to 'hide' my feelings anymore. If I feel like calling him a pet name, I will. If I feel like saying 'ILY', I will. I'm upset, I'm just going to tell him.
(I think it's all these super-intense talks.) He said I should 'get a bf' to solve that problem. I got irritated--told him that was a mean and hurtful thing to say, that I didn't want a bf, and point-blank said that adding another person to this mess was a horrible idea. 
