Why can't I do this....

[Dom R]

In addition, I was suppose to go over there last night to "play house" and she was in such a bad mood that it just made the night suck so I wanted to go back to where I am staying with my boys and another pseudo-fight ensued.

Being a good parent, is about taking care of your children at 2am, when all you want to do is go back to sleep.

Being a good husband, is about taking care of your marriage, when all you want to do is not deal with the stress any more.

Sometimes, "taking care of it", is arguing to try to resolve issues.
Sometimes, "taking care of it", is deciding NOT to argue, but just to be there, and help however you can.

It takes two people to argue. you ALWAYS have control over whether there is an argument.
you have the power to shut your mouth, and not say anything.

She may complain and whine and bitch that you are not talking to her. But it isnt an argument. it is then her LOOKING for one.
She cant have one, if you decide not to give her one.

[houndfan]

Exactly what happened, she was looking for an arguement, I was looking to spen time with my family. It was awkward and difficult and finally she asked me to leave the house with the boys.

I am really starting to lose patience today. Really bad day for me in most aspects of my life and it is hard for me to keep PMA today.

[houndfan]

Well, tomorrow at 9:30 we embark on MC. I am so anxious about it I think that I could puke. See, when the bomb was dropped I asked her to go with me to my IC, I thought that maybe he would be able to shed some light on some of my issues as she believed up until that point that I had some nasty personality disorder. Well the IC meeting was a mess, I felt trapped and tag teamed by W and IC.

At the end IC said that he would not get involved in continued manipulation of W. That was it over done.

Well that was over a month ago, before the revelation of the OM before some of the strides that I feel like we made last week. Well the last two days have been a nightmare both with my sitch and about everything else in my life and I am not sure that I am strong enough to go to MC and DB....

She too is having a rough couple of days as has been evidenced above. But, I am so afraid of how this will go tomorrow. I have been working hard at this DB stuff, have taken Dom's advice and moved back from LRT to some serious 180's. I can see the gains from time to time, but end of the day W still does not feel in love with me. Still wants to pursue OM, still wants to D even though some actions and word counter that thought.

So what do I do tomorrow? Do I hit first and accept responsibility for my cheating and other negative behaviors that have impacted this marriage? Do I affirm her feelings and continue to DB in the session.

OR do I say some of what I have been thinking lately especially when it comes to this seperation? Do I explain to the MC that I feel it unfair that I am the one out of the house (even though I am trying like hell to get back in) and that I should be able to seek alternative living arrangements that would allow me to have time with my children. Should I bring up the fact that if we are really going to S/D that she may need to begin looking for employment because even with the money that I make, there is no way that she should be allowed to stay at home further and impact this family. Should I bring up the fact that when OM is out of the picture we seem to be making positive strides but once she begins to communicate with him we step right back to where we are today.

WTF!!!!! I am so confused right now. I thought that this was the answer to my prayers that we would be going to MC, I thought that this would be a agood step but now, I am thinking that this may be a big mistake. Maybe we would be better off if I continue to DB and get DB coaching, my IC and just work. There are a million what if's, I know that I should only worry about what I can control, but I am so confused by my life.

Gonna sound whiney now but I hate where my life has taken me and sometimes I want to go get a case of beer, a can of chew and sit on the dock and be the old me and get drunk and run away.....

[Dom R]

but end of the day W still does not feel in love with me

of course not.

you wont see any lasting results at "the end of the day".
You wont see any lasting results "at the end of the week".

after what you two have been through, you wont evven see lasting positive results at the end of the month !!!

so.. quit expecting them! Making expectations like that for yourself, is why you are unhappy.
drop the expectations, and you'll feel better about it.

OR do I say some of what I have been thinking lately especially when it comes to this seperation? Do I explain to the MC that I feel it unfair that I am the one out of the house

no. that's divorce counselling, not MC. arguing over "who gets what".


As for what you DO do... how about listening to what the MC says, and let the professional guide things, rather than come up with your own plan, that will undermine whatever he tries to do??


besides which... you're only out of the house, if you choose to be. it isnt the MC's fault. it isnt your wife's fault. it's YOUR FAULT. you CHOOSE it right now.

you being out of the house is 100% your own fault and no-one elses.

[houndfan]

I am not sure how to get back in the house. I have tried I have asked, I have explained that I will set up in one of the boys rooms and it is met with hostility. I am giving up for one day and hopefully I can go fishing this afternoon and not think about my life.....

[Dom R]

I am not sure how to get back in the house. I have tried I have asked, I have explained that I will set up in one of the boys rooms and it is met with hostility.

yes of COURSE it is "met with hostility".
she WILL state her objections to it! This is not a surprise!

if you wait until she "wants to recover your marriage", to start working on your marriage.. guess what? welcome to divorceville!!

She is going to continue to be hostile, until you (yourself) build a better marriage for the two of you. Whats the best way to do that? by you Being In The House. Over a long period of time. Consistently treating her better, and NOT FLIP-FLOPPING!!!

after a few MONTHS of this, then if you do a good job, she wont be hostile any more.

Months. I'm not kidding here.
"months" does not mean weeks. "months" does not mean days.
It means "multiple groupings of days, with each group approximately 30 days in length".



How do you get back in the house?

well, first you drive over there.. then you use your key to open the door... and then you step in.
Tricky, but I think it can be done


if SHE had moved out, and was in her OWN place... things would be different. but right now, she is in YOUR(both of you) house.
Go back to living in YOUR house, too!
She has zero right to ask you to live anywhere else.

[ms ladybug]

HHmmm. Besides the hostility, what do you think you wife would do if you just moved yourself right back in? Would she move out? Legally she couldn't do anything about it, but it would take MONTHS for her to get over that. IF you do that, you would have to make sure you STAY there. Don't move back out if she asks you to. Don't get angry and move back out. Make sure you're ready to stay put if you do that. You'll lose credibility if you flip-flop.

As for your MC appt. Do you know who the therapist is?? How did you find this person? Were they recommended by someone whose marriage has been saved? Personally, the mc that I go to would never go down the d road with us. She always kept us steered toward working on our marriage and ourselves.

[houndfan]

Well..... MC appointment over and I feel like crap!

In a nutshell the MC asked us both what we wanted to gain from the experience and I said that I want to try to R and she said that she will not work on the marriage and that she is going to improve our communication for the boys.

MC reccommeded that we read a book "7 Rules for the Successful Marriage" and that we work on the friendship (sounds like DB right?). Well W asked why she should read a book like that etc if she had no interest in making the marriage work. The MC said that it will be beneficial in helping her decide if she wants to make it work and if not it will help build the communication. MC also asked my wife to take some time to consider all of the aspects of a D and how it will impact our lives. Take as much time as she needs to figure it out etc.

Dom's going to jump all over this but I really felt trapped again in this session. MC asked why this time is different with my Marriage and I explained how I felt. W explained that I always change for a little which after counseling and that there is no way I will keep this up. MC asked how long I will have to work to make her believe in me to which W responded years, like 10.

Anyway, what set this aside was this feeling that I am a doormat. MC suggested that I am the one who decides how much involvement will be had between the two of us and that I need to set boundries.

I tried to stand up for myself after the session and explain to W that I wasn't sure that I wanted to play family again this weekend at the Disney event because of my current confusion. To which she got very angry and said that nothing is changing. After I left the session I had yet another breakdown.

I need to get backon track with my DB'ing if I hope to save this marriage. We are not D'd yet, and even though she says it every chance she gets, I have seen some softening in her heart. I am the dumba** that continues to take us down the right path.

I have decided that I will move back into the house this weekend and she what that brings, I will move into S4 room and play it by ear on this one. One day at a time.... I hope that I am strong enough for all of this because today I feel so vulnerable.

[ms ladybug]

Houndfan, I'm so sorry your counsling appt didn't go as well as you'd liked. It must be difficult to sit in a room and hear your wife say those hurtful things.
But, I see the bright side of this. I don't know the book that your counselor reccommended and I can't seem to find it on Amazon, but it sounds like a good read for your wife right now. Let me ask you this, would your wife read it?? I ask because my husband is not a reader and has never read any of the books recommended by our counselor. But, women are different, and I hope she picks up the book NOW.
You too. If you said in your session that you would read the book, you better do it. You need all the credibility you can get.
I also hope you're in IC as well.

DB away buddy! We're cheering you on!

Kudos for moving back home. I'm praying it's the right step for you.

[Dom R]

Hey, guy... I'm not going to jump all over you.... i'm just going to make a comment, that I hope you find helful :-)
[hmm.. well, not for the reason you thought I would I guess i'm going to get pushy about something else ;)]

First offf.. congrats on the joint MC session.
I think that it actually went well!

I think that what you "felt trapped" about, is that it pointed out things for YOU to do, as well as your wife, and you didnt like it.

But that's not my most important comment...

W explained that I always change for a little which after counseling and that there is no way I will keep this up. MC asked how long I will have to work to make her believe in me to which W responded years, like 10.
...

I tried to stand up for myself after the session and explain to W that I wasn't sure that I wanted to play family again this weekend at the Disney event because of my current confusion. To which she got very angry and said that nothing is changing.

Can you not see, that what you did there, was prove your wife right?

She said basically that you cant be consistent, and keep up your efforts to be a good husband and father 24x7.

You just told her that.. never mind 10 years.. you cant even keep it up through this weekend. Because "you're confused".

I have decided that I will move back into the house this weekend and she what that brings, I will move into S4 room and play it by ear on this one. One day at a time.... I hope that I am strong enough for all of this because today I feel so vulnerable.

Good for you... I think that's a good idea. I foresee one large problem that you need to resolve within yourself, though.

It seems like Your #1 Problem that you have to work out in you, both from an external viewpoint, and also from your wife's viewpoint, is that you keep flip-flopping! It's like you have a fear of commitment or something?

Any person going into a marriage with an "I'll see how it goes" attitude, is going to leave when things get tough.
Things always get tough in a marriage at some point. Therefore, a person with that attitude, will always leave.

If you dont go into things with that attitude, then you are almost guaranteed to flip-flop again. Which is exactly what your wife said is her fear about you.