I Was Almost A Walk-Away Wife (next thread)

[sandi2]

RealJourney,

Thank you so much! I need to hear that type of message. You don't know how badly and for how long I have wanted to take "time Off" just to be by myself. I thought I must be crazy b/c most women at this age fear being alone....loosing their mates, etc. But, here I am, blessed to still have my H and yet I want to be by myself. But, it is a very small town and our rolls in the church and community would cause a lot of gossip if we were to separate. Besides, I couldn't make it finacially on my own and he couldn't make it on his own.....it takes both of our incomes to run one house. And, if I stayed with my mother, it would not solve anything b/c I would be bound to her (if you know what I mean).

What you said about his fear and shutting down due to that fear....really helped me. It is that perspective that I need help with....not always telling me that I need to make the first move and think of his physical needs etc. That just causes resentment b/c that is all I have ever hear and I'm sick of it. I know that sounds cold hearted, but it is b/c of all the stuff that has happen over the past years. I felt like I worked at meeting his needs while my own needs were ignored. He wouldn't even compromise......at least that is the way it appeared to me.

You helped my feelings today and I needed it. I am so depressed. I think maybe the Zoloft is making things worse instead of better. Has anyone ever experience that? The doctor said that he may increase my dosage this app't tomorrow. I don't know what to do about it. I don't even want to put up a Christmas tree or decorate my house and I was always a big Christmas person and went all out with decorations, etc.

Anyway, thanks again RJ.

[sandi2]

Cemar,

Please understand that I am not trying to be a difficult person with you. It is just that your questions or statements frustrate me b/c I don't know how to answer you or else I feel like I have explained all of it in my past posts. All you talk about is how my husband feels and you can identify with him, etc. Well, good, then maybe you can tell me something about him b/c he sure won't tell me anything. I've asked him over and over and I don't get an answer from him. He just looks at me and after about 30 minutes tells me he doesn't know how to answer me.

How can I try to define what intimacy is from my husband's viewpoint when the man can't or won't talk to me? I have no idea what he thinks itimacy is outside of just sex! It must not be the close cuddling and sweet intimate talking when a couple goes to bed together. Laying in each other's arms and telling each other how much they are cherished and then that emotional love making leading to the act of physical love making......that is intimacy to me. That is what I grew up seeing in my parents. I thought that was what married couples did and that was certainly what I needed. I keep harping on this fact that that was a very strong emotional need that I craved for over all these years that was ignored. I couldn't get the man to go to bed and hold me and talk to me. If and when he showed up for bed.....I knew it was for sex. How do you think that made me feel? You are always talking about my poor husband. Well, just how do you think I felt all these years sleeping alone and needing to be held and loved? His flimsy excuses from the mattress is too hard to his snoring kept me awake to I used too many pillows.......it's a bunch of crap. I think he is doing what he wants to do which is watch TV until he falls asleep on the couch and then stay there the rest of the night.

[RealJourney]

Hugs to you Sandi. While there is nobility in suffering, I think it's your time to make some changes and find that inner happiness.

Response to the antidepressants is such an individual thing. Try to give it a fair chance...that way you will fully know if it's right or wrong for you. Life is full of trial and error, but you are trying, and that is good! Now go shake things up!

[saffie]

Sandi,

I read your posts with both awe and sadness. I have not been married as long as you. I have been married 21 years and I found out my H had been having an A just before our 20th anniversary.

We both had stopped showing each other affection and ML felt just like sex. What saddens me most about it now is that it transpires we did both love each other very much but both felt we were no longer loved by our partners. I would go to bed late - wait until my H was asleep - because I didn't want to have to communicate with him. We led pretty much separate lives; not that our friends new that. In the end I sought help with a clinical psychologist and he helped me find ways of opening up and eventually communicating with my H. In the end I wrote my H a long letter and opened up my heart and bared my soul. It left me VERY vulnerable and it took my H days to reply. When he did reply it was to tell me he had been having an A for 18 months with one of his employees. It devastated me. I tried to commit suicide and lived a week of hell. That was followed by a year of being drugged up completely. My H decided to stay with me as he had found out that I really did love him. He had been scared for so long of what the future held for us. Now I am off the drugs but I continue to see the clinical psychologist and am doing cognitive behavioural therapy. It is teaching me to recognise my negative thought patterns and how to turn them around and deal with them. It really helps.

Something else that has helped with the depression is two books in particular - both by a guy called Martin Seligman. They are 'Learned Optimism' and 'Authentic Happiness'. I highly recommend trying them.

You are a good person - never doubt that- and you have a lot to offer others on these boards. Helping others is also a good way to combat depression. Stop focusing on your H and work on making yourself happy - hopefully the rest will flow from that.

Take care

Saffie

[sandi2]

Saffie,

Thank you sweetie for sharing that painful part of your life with me. I think what you said about you and your H are probably true about me and mine. He simply doesn't know what to say to me to make me feel what I need from him. When I try to tell him some things I need to hear, it always seems to shock him.....like he thinks I should already KNOW that. But, I need to hear it just the same. I need my ego stroked (from him) a lot and it embarrases me to say that, but I know it is the truth. That's why I think that words of affirmation is my love language. It just is like food for my soul.

I think part of my depression is brought about from guilt. I know my H has a good heart. Yes, he drives me crazy with some of the things he does and doesn't do, but I guess everyone's does...lol. But, he is a good man and I know I am blessed to have him, but it is so sad that we have wasted so many good years of our lives. I know if I could just feel the love I WANT to feel for him that it would turn everything around. I know it would. But whenever I think of making love with him......I can't seem to go through with it. It's not the sex.....I don't have a problem with it, but it is the closeness with him or something....I don't know, but whatever it is, I can't seem to overcome it. We even separated once when we had only been married a year due to me feeling like I couldn't bear for him to touch me.

He deserves a good wife and yet I know it would destroy him if I left him......so there again, I feel guilty. I know he loves me, but he has burried himself in a cave away from me and any possible hurt I may do to him. I just want to be fixed and I don't know how. I want to be able to love him freely and happily and I can't seem to do it. I know I care deeply for him and I think I do love him, but why can't I desire him sexually?

I even suggested to him that we live under the same roof, but not as husband and wife.....this was when he found out about the OM. He said there would be no "buddy-buddy system" here. I wondered, "Why not? It's been that way for almost 12 years!"

I tried to focus on other things for a long time to fill the emptiness in my life. Then when the Fibromyalgia got so bad, I couldn't do most of those things anymore. So, now it is kind of hard to get interested in anything. Maybe it is the depression, but I can't even get interesed in putting up my Christmas tree, and I always loved decorating.

I know it must be a "downer" reading my thread, but I sure would appreciate you coming and talking to me anytime Saffie. You did help me today.

Thanks,
Sandi

[sandi2]

Thanks RJ, I will see my doctor tomorrow and he will probably increase the dosage. I will try a while longer to see if it helps.

[sandi2]

Cemar,

Surely I don't understand this statement from you correctly:

Sandi2, how much time do you spend EACH day focused SOLEY on your husbands physical needs. THAT is what is important.

Is that what my entire life is suppose to be about? Just focused on my husbands physical needs? I'm not suppose to over-do myself in anything or at anytime in case my H needs physical attention.....meaning of course, sex.

That is why you are mad at your wife for working hard is b/c it effects her sex drive? But, if a man works hard.......is it okay if he doesn't feel like having sex that night? I don't believe I have ever heard a man (or woman for that matter) say that he shouldn't work hard making a living and doing the jobs around the house that need to be done----in case his wife may want to have sex and it could effect his sexual drive from high to low.

[Dom R]

Hi Sandi,
reading a bit fast today.. sorry if I've skipped over anything.

I'm really worried about you.
RealJourney suggested that you "take some time off"... and you talk about separation from your husband.
that's not what he meant. but it shows where your mind is at. that's why i'm worried.

[urk.. this is igoing to be a long post. please read carefully ]


I think it shows that you are suffering from giver's fatigue.
I think that is actually what changed.
Things were great between you, when you were giving. But you didnt transition from the "jumpstart your marriage" phase, into "lets BOTH do good things for each other" phase.
That's critical. That, is what is going to bring back your motivation.

(marriagebuilders has a great writeup on this, talking about peoples' "givers" vs "takers". you might refresh your memory on it)


Sandi... would you say that I have given you pretty good advice so far?

If so, then I will ask you to do some stuff, just out of trust of me. Not because you feel like doing it. Not because you believe it will work. But just because you trust me to give you good advice.

-------------------

First, make a list of things that you would like your husband to do. Small things, or "big picture" things.. either way. but stuff you would like him to do, on a regular basis.

(sample list:
take you out to dinner... movies...
clean up around the house...
wash dishes
wear decent clothes inside the house, not underwear
....)


Once you've made the list... then pick the top... lets say 3 things, that you think would improve your attitude about him.

Then... go to him, and talk to him.
pick the "best" time that you can, within the next 24 hours, and then do whatever you have to, to keep his attention.
Be nice at first.. but if you have to pull the plug out of the TV, then do so :-)

Then say someting like the following:

"Honey... i've been feeling rather down, the last few weeks. you probably noticed it. you may have thought it was just my illness. but that's not all there is to it.

A month ago, you may remember that I started doing [...]. I think you liked it. I enjoyed it at the time, too. I felt like it really improved our marriage
The thing is, I feel like i was the only one really putting effort into improving it. I cant keep doing it, and be the only one.
Is that fair? [wait for an actual answer from him.
PRESUMABLY, it will be "no". then, moving on...]

I'd like to make an agreement with you. I would like a happier marriage with you. I think that me doing those things, makes you happier. Would you then do a few things for me too?"

That's when you show him the 3 tjhings, and see what he says.

you will then be in negotiation mode.
He might ask for 3 different things than what you expect. I ask you to try to be flexible.
If he asks for sex, I think it's ok for you to politely decline, and say that is too much to ask of you right now.


See what happens, Sandi.
Then give it a try. See how he does, with the understanding, that you will have to initially nudge him a bit.

It is said that it takes a week to 10 days, to establish a habit.
If you can establish some new, positive habits from him, then I believe you will start feeling a whole lot better about your situation.

It's all about picking the best "3 things" to ask for, that will work best for you.

And here's an example of one:

-------------------

When I try to tell him some things I need to hear, it always seems to shock him.....like he thinks I should already KNOW that. But, I need to hear it just the same.

Ok, this may sound silly... but it can work. It has worked for many couples. It can work for you.

You might choose to revisit those "things you need to hear".
Give him an actual written list, of single sentances. Make sure that every sentance, is something that he agrees that is true, even if it is "something you should already know".


Then, the task for him, would be, "tell me at least one of those things, and really mean it, at least once a day, EVERY DAY".

I think you are one of those more reasonable women, who would appreciate the feeling behind it, rather than insisting that he "say it in his own words".


-------------------

Some have said it is my place to make the move on him b/c of my "rejection" of him and he is hurt and rather watch TV every night rather that risk being rejected again.

I would say, rather, that you should do it, because you are the one that is here.
Ideally, you both should be looking at what will help. but the most important thing, is that both people are willing to TRY DOING things, that will help.
Ok, he wont go to counselling. that would have helped, but it's not indispensible. THe best part of counselling, is to give the two of you ideas to try together. Whether he hears the ideas from a counsellor, or he hears them from you, isnt the most important part.
The important part, is whether he is willing to try new things, and get into new, more positive behaviours for you.

I believe, from what you have written about him, that he is.
Your responsability, will be to ask for what you want and, (once he agrees), remind him occasionally.


--------------


Will you trust me again, and try this?

[Dom R]

But, if a man works hard.......is it okay if he doesn't feel like having sex that night?

In my opinion: no, it's not ok.
He may be too physically exhausted, to have a physical response.
But if his wife tells him that she needs sexual intimacy, then he owes her SOME kind of sexual intimacy when she asks for it.

[cemar2]

Sandi2:

One, I am not saying to focus on him ALL the time, what I asked is how much time each day IS he the focus of your life. My guess is most days, he is never the focus (we ALL have this problem more then we should). Your husband has known this for years. No matter WHAT he did, his needs NEVER became important enough to you. He has retreated into his "Cave". This is what men do unfortunately.

What happens is that having TOO much on your platter stresses you, and stress KILLS desire in LD people. HD people can take FAR more stress the LD people before their sex drives are impacted.