I Was Almost A Walk-Away Wife (next thread)

[Dom R]

Hi Sandi,
reading a bit fast today.. sorry if I've skipped over anything.

I'm really worried about you.
RealJourney suggested that you "take some time off"... and you talk about separation from your husband.
that's not what he meant. but it shows where your mind is at. that's why i'm worried.

[urk.. this is igoing to be a long post. please read carefully ]


I think it shows that you are suffering from giver's fatigue.
I think that is actually what changed.
Things were great between you, when you were giving. But you didnt transition from the "jumpstart your marriage" phase, into "lets BOTH do good things for each other" phase.
That's critical. That, is what is going to bring back your motivation.

(marriagebuilders has a great writeup on this, talking about peoples' "givers" vs "takers". you might refresh your memory on it)


Sandi... would you say that I have given you pretty good advice so far?

If so, then I will ask you to do some stuff, just out of trust of me. Not because you feel like doing it. Not because you believe it will work. But just because you trust me to give you good advice.

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First, make a list of things that you would like your husband to do. Small things, or "big picture" things.. either way. but stuff you would like him to do, on a regular basis.

(sample list:
take you out to dinner... movies...
clean up around the house...
wash dishes
wear decent clothes inside the house, not underwear
....)


Once you've made the list... then pick the top... lets say 3 things, that you think would improve your attitude about him.

Then... go to him, and talk to him.
pick the "best" time that you can, within the next 24 hours, and then do whatever you have to, to keep his attention.
Be nice at first.. but if you have to pull the plug out of the TV, then do so :-)

Then say someting like the following:

"Honey... i've been feeling rather down, the last few weeks. you probably noticed it. you may have thought it was just my illness. but that's not all there is to it.

A month ago, you may remember that I started doing [...]. I think you liked it. I enjoyed it at the time, too. I felt like it really improved our marriage
The thing is, I feel like i was the only one really putting effort into improving it. I cant keep doing it, and be the only one.
Is that fair? [wait for an actual answer from him.
PRESUMABLY, it will be "no". then, moving on...]

I'd like to make an agreement with you. I would like a happier marriage with you. I think that me doing those things, makes you happier. Would you then do a few things for me too?"

That's when you show him the 3 tjhings, and see what he says.

you will then be in negotiation mode.
He might ask for 3 different things than what you expect. I ask you to try to be flexible.
If he asks for sex, I think it's ok for you to politely decline, and say that is too much to ask of you right now.


See what happens, Sandi.
Then give it a try. See how he does, with the understanding, that you will have to initially nudge him a bit.

It is said that it takes a week to 10 days, to establish a habit.
If you can establish some new, positive habits from him, then I believe you will start feeling a whole lot better about your situation.

It's all about picking the best "3 things" to ask for, that will work best for you.

And here's an example of one:

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When I try to tell him some things I need to hear, it always seems to shock him.....like he thinks I should already KNOW that. But, I need to hear it just the same.

Ok, this may sound silly... but it can work. It has worked for many couples. It can work for you.

You might choose to revisit those "things you need to hear".
Give him an actual written list, of single sentances. Make sure that every sentance, is something that he agrees that is true, even if it is "something you should already know".


Then, the task for him, would be, "tell me at least one of those things, and really mean it, at least once a day, EVERY DAY".

I think you are one of those more reasonable women, who would appreciate the feeling behind it, rather than insisting that he "say it in his own words".


-------------------

Some have said it is my place to make the move on him b/c of my "rejection" of him and he is hurt and rather watch TV every night rather that risk being rejected again.

I would say, rather, that you should do it, because you are the one that is here.
Ideally, you both should be looking at what will help. but the most important thing, is that both people are willing to TRY DOING things, that will help.
Ok, he wont go to counselling. that would have helped, but it's not indispensible. THe best part of counselling, is to give the two of you ideas to try together. Whether he hears the ideas from a counsellor, or he hears them from you, isnt the most important part.
The important part, is whether he is willing to try new things, and get into new, more positive behaviours for you.

I believe, from what you have written about him, that he is.
Your responsability, will be to ask for what you want and, (once he agrees), remind him occasionally.


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Will you trust me again, and try this?