No, I told her. I said I thought that we would get along better. She wouldn't have the pressure and I wouldn't have the expectations. I told her pretty much what I said here regarding the "going first", etc. I said we don't really argue about anything else so I'm taking it off the table.
So what you've basically told her is "yes, I agree, the whole sex issue is poisoning our family life and I'm just going to back off so we can all be happy". To which the average LD person would respond by thinking "halleluhja, he's finally seen the light! I was right all along ... things would be soooo much better without all the pressure! And if he's able to back off that easily it must not have been important after all!"
What you didn't say is "I'm going to back off because I'm really tired of being the only one doing all the work on our relationship. In order to back off sexually I will have to emotionally detach from you, which may well become permanent."
You see the difference?
Well, I wasn't as cheerful about it as you seem to be thinking. I said something similar to what I said here too to the effect of in order to maintain my sanity I need to wean myself from being attracted to you.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
To all who have posted regarding themselves or wives getting a hysterectomy, I have a question.
My LD wife has a large fibroid (comparable to being five months pregnant) and her OB told her yesterday that she would probably have to have it removed surgically. Her OB thinks it will probably be a partial (pull the uterus, leave the ovaries) but due to her age (38) we will be getting a second opinion.
What did you (or the wife) need to get them? Was this the reason for anyone else? Do you attribute the drop in sex drive to the operation or was it an excuse?
Sorry to put this in your thread Baltoman. I am new here and not sure how else to ask.
No problem. My wife had large fibroids as well. The sex drive has always been an issue however the character changed dramatically after the surgery. She used to O very easily. She does not at all anymore. Before, even when the frequency was lacking, there would be times where she was very into it. Where she would lose herself in the moment. That no longer happens. Now it is perfunctory. No deep kissing, most of her body is "too sensitive" so is off-limits (personally breasts that are painful and overly sensitive for almost two straight years seems like a physical problem to me, but what do I know?), everything according to a script she seems to have running in her head: "ok, enough of this, a couple of strokes there, oh sh!t, he wants to go down, gotta put a stop to that, make sure we are on his side of the bed, now roll on my back and hopefully it'll go quickly". Just a "get it on and get it over with" mentality.
Damn, that sounded bitter. I didn't start out intending it to sound like that but I got on a roll.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
Thanks. Not the answer I was hoping to hear, but then again, that is not the reason I am here.
I appreciate the bitterness. Someone once told me repressed anger turns to resentment, repressed resentment turns to bitterness. I think of that often and unfortunately believe it to be true.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Well, I wasn't as cheerful about it as you seem to be thinking. I said something similar to what I said here too to the effect of in order to maintain my sanity I need to wean myself from being attracted to you.
I didn't think you were cheerful. It just sounded like you weren't clear on the "In order to back off sexually I will have to emotionally detach from you, which may well become permanent (and threaten our marriage)" part.
Were you?
If I were LD and just heard "order to maintain my sanity I need to wean myself from being attracted to you" I'd hear "great! He's gonna stop wanting sex!!" and that's it.
If I were LD and just heard "order to maintain my sanity I need to wean myself from being attracted to you" I'd hear "great! He's gonna stop wanting sex!!" and that's it.
Would you really? I would think even LD people want to be attractive and have their spouses be attracted to them.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
I think what she's trying to tell you is the following distinction:
Yes, even LDs/NDs want their spouse to be attracted to them. But many find it difficult to act upon it sufficiently to keep their LD spouse happy, at least not unless there's some sort of deadline/threat/gun-to-the-head. Some sort of "or else." Or they simply don't fully realize the depth of their spouse's despair and unhappiness.
So, if the LD spouse hears "Honey, I'm very unhappy, and I am no longer willing to live in a sexless marriage, and unless things change by _________, I'm going to have some painful decisions to make," it's very different than hearing "Look, in order to keep my sanity here, I'm just going to have to learn to dial back my sex drive, so I'll stop bothering you about it anymore."
In the first case, she hears "Oh no, my marriage is in trouble -- he's SERIOUS this time!" IN the second case, she hears "Oh good! He's a little frustrated, but it sounds like the pressure is finally going to go away! Why can't EVERYONE just learn to stop making SEX, SEX, SEX so important, anyway!"
Many LDs say they didn't "get" it until that gun was pointed at them. Partly because they didn't want to hear anything uncomfortable (who does) but also because that may have been the first time the HD really communicated how serious he or she was, with both words, tone and action to back it up.
Have you said those things that Chocolateyes quoted to your wife? Exactly those words? If not, she's going to be on this board in the not too distant future and talk about how blindsided she was by your leaving/checking out of the marriage/fill in the blank. And that you never REALLY told her what it meant to you. And she'll have some justification.
CE and SG, I hear you and I understand the difference. I'm pretty darn sure that what she hears is closer to the first than the second but I will be sure to clarify it with her. Often times I think something should be obvious to her when it apparently is not.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
You guys are basically describing the exact scenerio that I believe was going on in my house for years. It took the D bomb as you all know for me to finally figure it out.
To Packerfan re: the hysterectomy thing. I just got mine done in October. Now, I have not had the chance to even have sex since then, but I know I want to and physically am desiring to, so maybe that will help you have some sort of hope?? I'll let you all know how it goes after Dec 15 when I finally get to try out the new & improved me.
Last edited by RedHeadWife; 11/28/0710:00 PM.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
when I finally get to try out the new & improved me.