I had almost the same situation as you. My H was in Iraq for 8 months. We talked everyday and he couldn't wait to come home. He would cry and even when he got back he would say "I'm never leaving you again". A couple of months later he had a complete personality change. It was like I didn't even know him. He reached out to an OW, but I don't know if it ever became a PA. That drove me absolutely crazy. I did and said things I never thought I would. The T told me that one of the reasons he was reaching out to her was because she didn't know him. She didn't know that his personality had changed. She didn't know something was wrong with him. For that reason she didn't have questions or expectations like I did. I KNEW something was wrong and I wanted to talk about it, I wanted him to get help. He completely shut me out.
I really think you should see about getting a T. Tricare will pay for you an IC and also a MC (if he would be willing to do that). I think that they don't realize that readjusting will be hard. They build up in their minds how things are going to be when they get home. They think it is going to be great. Then they come back and they still have the same problems as before...bills, responsiblities, etc. Also, they see that we still took care of everything and made it while they were gone. It makes them feel like they aren't needed.
I KNOW it is hard, but try to give him some space. We all wish that we had found DB sooner. It looks to me like your timeline is right with mine. I actually moved back home...about 1000 miles away from where H is stationed. I wondered the same thing..how do I show him I care and how do I DB from so far away and if he won't even talk to me. They notice though. They notice when you don't call them and when you don't beg and plead. I know that to you it makes sense to try to make him understand how much you love him..but don't. Don't try to convince him that he is wrong, he has to realize that on his own. Don't pressure him, it will push him farther away. I think when I finally detached, when I stopped bringing everything up, when I stopped crying everytime I talked to and when I started sounding cheery and happy when I talked to is when he started to come around. HE started calling ME.
I thought it was completely over with us. H filed for D on Sept. 24th and it was supposed to be final on Nov. 13th. I had begged him to wait, to give it some time. He said no, he was 100% sure he wanted a D and there was no reason to drag it out. He messed up the paperwork (no lawyers) and it didn't go through. Sometime during that week he had a revelation. He actually told me that if I still wanted the D then I would have to be the one to do it.
No matter how bad you think it is...there is still hope. I know you said your H is going to see OW and I know that is hard, but if YOU want to work on it then you can continue to DB. When my H moved out he moved in with OW. In my mind, she had just taken my place and they were this happy little family and she was everything I wasn't. I was wrong. Maybe at one time he thought that too, I don't know. I do know that he doesn't think that now. Please email me if you need to. I feel like our situations are a lot alike. There aren't many people on this site as young as you and me...or that have been married for such a short time.
Sorry for the long post, but when I read your story it struck a nerve with me. I know what you are going through.
