Thank you sweetie for sharing that painful part of your life with me. I think what you said about you and your H are probably true about me and mine. He simply doesn't know what to say to me to make me feel what I need from him. When I try to tell him some things I need to hear, it always seems to shock him.....like he thinks I should already KNOW that. But, I need to hear it just the same. I need my ego stroked (from him) a lot and it embarrases me to say that, but I know it is the truth. That's why I think that words of affirmation is my love language. It just is like food for my soul.
I think part of my depression is brought about from guilt. I know my H has a good heart. Yes, he drives me crazy with some of the things he does and doesn't do, but I guess everyone's does...lol. But, he is a good man and I know I am blessed to have him, but it is so sad that we have wasted so many good years of our lives. I know if I could just feel the love I WANT to feel for him that it would turn everything around. I know it would. But whenever I think of making love with him......I can't seem to go through with it. It's not the sex.....I don't have a problem with it, but it is the closeness with him or something....I don't know, but whatever it is, I can't seem to overcome it. We even separated once when we had only been married a year due to me feeling like I couldn't bear for him to touch me.
He deserves a good wife and yet I know it would destroy him if I left him......so there again, I feel guilty. I know he loves me, but he has burried himself in a cave away from me and any possible hurt I may do to him. I just want to be fixed and I don't know how. I want to be able to love him freely and happily and I can't seem to do it. I know I care deeply for him and I think I do love him, but why can't I desire him sexually?
I even suggested to him that we live under the same roof, but not as husband and wife.....this was when he found out about the OM. He said there would be no "buddy-buddy system" here. I wondered, "Why not? It's been that way for almost 12 years!"
I tried to focus on other things for a long time to fill the emptiness in my life. Then when the Fibromyalgia got so bad, I couldn't do most of those things anymore. So, now it is kind of hard to get interested in anything. Maybe it is the depression, but I can't even get interesed in putting up my Christmas tree, and I always loved decorating.
I know it must be a "downer" reading my thread, but I sure would appreciate you coming and talking to me anytime Saffie. You did help me today.
Thanks, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
