Still trying - Not very well

[limbo]

Thanks Sara

I hope it helps, because I do feel like i am on a real verge of ending things.
It is hard to explain with out seeming selfish or an idiot, but I am so tired of being the one that hold everything together and in many ways taken for granted.
I feel so isolated and just plain and simple not truly cared for, Yes I know he has an illness.
We have good surface interaction, but the deep meaning stuff is just avoided, and this is whats killing me, is there is just a connection missing and I just don't know if it will ever come back.
This may sound horrible, but he hides behind his problems, and in a way I think uses them as a shield to avoid really having to talk about things, or deal with them.
I asked him today if he would mind me going to the same therapist as him, because I do need to see someone, and the ones I have gone to so far really haven't helped.
He said no he doesn't feel comfortable with me going, well I know why because he is being straight with the therapist, and know if I go I will tell it like it really was and is.
For me this is almost the straw so to speak, if he really isn't getting the help that he needs then whats the point, because my life is just going to continue being this roller coaster waiting for the next drop. ANd I just can't continue to do it!!
I need some level for an extended period, where all we are doing is really working on the marriage.
Truly, honestly but I just don't think this is ever going to happen.