How Long?

[RedHeadWife]

Everyone seems to ask this question: How long before I can trust my spouse again after they have cheated on me? How long before I feel like things are truly "ok" again?

This question is asked over & over again here on this forum. I thought I would give my insight and then everyone else can give their insights as to what they have experienced in their personal sitch as far as this question goes.

My H had numerous A's, beginning years ago. I now understand that he was looking for something that was missing in our M and instead of trying to communicate to me what he really needed and wanted from me, he chose to try to find it somewhere else. I also have an 'insider's' view, as I ended up having somewhat of an EA of my own and can now understand how it can happen and why.

As far as 'how long' does it take? I think it comes down to US, the cheated upon, the left behind spouse and how we CHOOSE to feel.

I still have up and down days. At first, when H was first deployed this past May, I constantly wondered if he was still 'talking' to his latest EA/OW. As time went on, and I began to really KNOW that H was serious about our M and us staying together, I quit worrying so much.

I finally came to a few things in my mind: I could not allow it to happen again, and H knows this. It will be HIS CHOICE whether we honestly give our M another chance and he KNOWS how good it truly can be now. If he were to choose to cheat again, I would not want to continue trying to work out our M. But, on the other hand, I also don't dwell on that either.

Just this past weekend, he was very stressed w/ work and his tone was different on the phone. I began to wonder & worry that he was 'doing something' again. I then realized that he has ABSOLUTELY NO REASON to be 'doing anything' anymore. Things are wonderful w/ us, whether it's long distance or not, and I think I have finally wrapped my mind around the fact that, AND THIS IS IMPORTANT, GUYS & GALS: if things are good w/ us and our M, he has no reason to look for anything, emotional or physical, outside of the M.

So, the bottom line, in my opinion, is we each have to choose to trust our spouse again. I don't even know if being able to look at each other's email, cell phones, etc. even matters. I think that once we feel 'safe' again in our M and our spouse is truly showing how much they appreciate and love us again and we continue to just love and support our spouse, we will get to the point where we worry about it less and less.

I can tell you though that every day 'little' things can bring parts of the whole sitch crashing back into your mind and it is going to be up to you as to how you deal w/ it. Are you going to let it override your happiness and allow yourself to start dwelling on everything again? Or are you going to say, yep it happened, it sucked, but we are moving on and that is the PAST.

[Dr LOve]

I can tell you though that every day 'little' things can bring parts of the whole sitch crashing back into your mind and it is going to be up to you as to how you deal w/ it. Are you going to let it override your happiness and allow yourself to start dwelling on everything again? Or are you going to say, yep it happened, it sucked, but we are moving on and that is the PAST.

WOW Red,

Very nice but just to get by day to day the last part says it all

Husband

[SweetRedd]

Great thread RHW I was thinking about this just the other day. I'm to the point where I "almost" totally trust J again. I don't think about checking up on him and don't worry that he'll cheat. We had an incident last month that concerned me, but I noticed that I've stopped assuming that he's probably thinking about another woman.

My how long is about like what you said - Until the R was fixed and solid again. Lots of time helps, but it's been since I've become sure of J's love and committment that I've been able to totally trust him again. He had an A years ago before the lastest bomb. I didn't trust him after that and I can now see it was because I knew our R was not right where it should be. I know he cares. I can see it in his actions and his eyes.

You're right, it's definately a choice to forgive, and trust again. If the WAS is transparent and totally committed to working things out, he/she will be patient while we recover and regain trust. That's another reason I've found trust again. J worked through the issues with me. He talked to me and understood my feelings. He comforted me and just listened. When he dropped his defenses and the secrets were no longer secrets, I was able to relax, trust and heal again.

Sheila

[LuvMyHusband]

Hi Red,
My H came back last Sunday and stayed until Saturday. He will be back this Friday for good. I'm really happy about it. What concerns me is that he doesn't seem to want openess that I feel I need to help me to learn to trust him again. I don't want details what I want is no more passwords on anything, i.e., email accounts, cell phone accounts. These tools were used for his A (I guess I can call it that now since it was more than emotional but not a P/A since they didn't actually meet). I know trusting him is a choice but it's going to be difficult when I feel like he is "locking" me out. His excuse is that I have been a "snooper" and he doesn't want me checking on him anymore.

[limbo]

Luvmyhusband

Boy our h sound the same, they don't realize that if they hadn't done what they did in the first place then we wouldn't have the desire to "snoop".
My H has changed all his passwords now, and has not offered to give them to me, and I haven't asked. But I feel that if there was nothing to hide then there would be no reason for me not to have them.

[hurtandlost]

Hello All,

Hey RHW, I am sorry about your weekend but I am glad you are stronger and have positive expectations about what's coming.

About the thread I guess I will be doing one of the 12 steps things and live day by day, it's really hard for me to do that as I am the type who likes to build plans for the future, guess the upside though is that I will have an opportunity to seize the day.

I wonder if the underlying question we all have is if a cheater will always be a cheater.

There's one thing that I read that was helpful, may be it's not the best approach but I have a long learning curve to go through yet. I read, I think in the marriage builder's that the issue is that we shouldn't have trusted them unconditionally in the first place. Because things changes and people are unpredictable with their flaws. So I don't feel the obligation of fully trusting him again yet which relieves some of the pressure. May be we can have professional goals,so and so family goals,material goals ... but when it is about just that piece of relationship between two people we can never tell.

[RedHeadWife]

Oh, guys & gals, bring out the 2 x 4's. I need something !!

Here's the sitch: H has been seemingly unavailable every morning when I try to call (which is his evening) and then calls me when it's about 4 a.m. his time. His explanation is that he has gone to bed and I will admit he can sleep through the phone ringing, but . . . then he says he is getting up so early to work on some stuff he has to have done before he comes home.

I guess it just seems suspicious to me. Like he's up to something in the evenings & then is "checking in" in the early a.m.

Tell me I'm being silly . . . it's just the 'ol "he's done it numerous times before" thing. It's hard once they've cheated, etc. not to jump to conclusions sometimes.

[hurtandlost]

Hi RHW,

I am sorry you are having a not so good time.
Yes, it is hard not to jump to conclusions. I won't give you a hard time because we are all cats near water.
However it's most likely he is saying the truth so I wouldn't care about it though.
I sense it's just fear talking to you right now. So if you tune to your gut feeling, what does it say?

(((( )))))

[LL44]

Well, because of our history, we will forever be suspicious and think the worst. Lovely that we are programmed that way. I am sure he is telling the truth. I know my H constantly sleeps through the phone, the kids, a lot. When I work overnights, he sleeps in the hall on the floor between their rooms because he is worried that he won't hear them.

Can you ask him to call before he falls asleep? I agree with hurt, dig deep and think of your gut. I am sure its nothing but sleep.

[RedHeadWife]

I guess if I know my H well enough (??????? who knows anymore), I would say that, yes, he is probably getting up very early b/c (1) he has to get that stuff done for work and (2) it has to be done before he comes home and he is getting very antsy to get home! So, he probably is just crashing as soon as he gets home in the evenings and then not hearing when I call.