Turning the Page

[theforlornhope]

RHW, I hope that S6 won't need it, but I am afraid he will.

The cordial friendliness seems to have disappeared since our separate Thanksgiving holidays. I'm not sure why, but it has gone back to anger / calm / anger, etc.

Yesterday I was in a great mood listening to music and fixing dinner when she came home. It seemed to put her in a bad mood. I tried to ignore it. She was nasty with S4 over lotion for his face, and I had to stop dinner and carry him around for a while to stop the crying. When he calmed down, I got his lotion and finished dinner. After dinner, it was a race to do the dishes. Normally my job, but as before with who gets them dressed, she has become possessive over their caretaking / housekeeping. I've always been proud to do AMAP, but recently it's a competition with her. Since she beat me to the dishes, I asked her "do you want to do the dishes or give them a bath. Her reply was a very loaded, "whatever you want to do." I opted for the bath. As I went into the master, (her,) bedroom, I saw the much guarded cell phone on the dresser. Alone. Unattended. Calling me like a still beating heart. Without her....... I left it there.

After their bath, I brought them downstairs for 30 min before bed. She fairly raced up the stairs and spent the next 15 Min in her bedroom. I wonder what I should have been snooping for that I missed.

I started watching television, and she went to bed about 15 min after the boys. Screw it, I watched a good western anyway. At least she said "goodnight" for once.



Anyway, this morning she was alternately angry and nice about every 5 min. Very weird. I ignored it and acted as-if. During breakfast she asked me about #####, (S4's namesake,) a Marine I saw last week. I said he was fine, then I said, "Actually he's not fine. He's having a very bad time right now because his fiance' is dumping him. He financed her new business, bought her a truck, and took the promotion to (other state,) on the understanding that she was coming out there. Since then, she has started hanging around with party friends, and esp. one guy who is 'just a friend' that she sees regularly. She has decided she doesn't "love him anymore," and he is having a hard time of it. He also has a $16,000 engagement ring that he doesn't know what to do with now."

This is our sit in a nutshell before kids, and why I started not to say anything.

She said, "he should have bought her a ring on the cheap."

Wow.

I said "##### doesn't do things on the cheap, he financed her business and bought her a car, he loves her." Then I went outside to start her car.

Wow.

I got S4 ready, (she takes him to daycare.) cleaned up, started her car for her, etc. She got angry about several things with the kids and me, but esp. about not being able to find her keys, (I started her car to melt ice and warm it up.) She managed to say "thank you," about warming up her car, but just barely.


Tonight she was pretty civil, but very distant / cold. I left for bed early, it was a long day at work and I'm too tired for that.


I wonder if we're not just exhibiting a muted version of our old vicious cycle of anger / withdrawal. I need to figure out a way not to continue that if that's what it is.

I am throwing myself wholeheartedly into GAL, and acting as-if, but it makes her angry.

It makes me feel so much better about myself. I am doing it for me, for my reasons. Truly acting as-if for the last few weeks makes me feel at peace. I'm doing what I can, the best I can, and I know it!

I do take some satisfaction that she is angry about it, since so many experienced people here say that anger is not bad, the opposite of love isn't anger, it is indifference.

I don't think I am doing this for the wrong reasons, but sometimes I doubt myself and wonder if I'm not "taking the high road" just to make her feel bad.

I don't think so, but her anger, (over guilt?) makes me feel guilty. Wierd, conceited, and paranoid, I suppose.


Anyway, it feels right, so I'm not stopping. I just wish I could break the cycle of one of us often avoiding the other in the evenings.