I went back and read every post on this last thread I started. I think I know what it was you had asked me now. It was what happened to change within the past couple of weeks. I don't know how to answer that. Nothing especially. It goes back to that "sandpaper rub" everyday that I mentioned earlier on in my postings. I think I am just so depressed and discouraged right now that I can't deal or don't want to......either way. I don't want to argue about it or debate it. I'm weary of it all. I'm afraid DomR.......afraid that I'm getting back into that state that I was in before. I don't feel like trying anymore. When there is no desire to "try" it all seems so hopeless. I have prayed every day for God to give me the desire for my H and the desire to work on my M and to fill my H's love tank and talk his love language.......all of it.....any of it. But, nothing.....zip, zero! The interest or desire....whatever you want to call it would give me some energy to put some action behind it, but without any of that......I don't want to even try.
I have tried to help some others by posting to them on their threads. Want to know how I can think of ways for the wife to make things "spicy" in the MR with her husband? B/c I've done it! I can think of all kinds of ways to have fun with a man and expecially sexually. However, maybe I shouldn't even do that. If I can't help myself, how can I help anybody else.
You know what hurts? True, I was the one that had the EA, but I was also the one that came here for help. I bought dozens of books to read and tapes to listen to, and have been here every night reading and posting. It wasn't my H doing any of that. So many of you who have the WAS are here trying to DB and work at the M but I am the WAW and I'm the one here......not my H. He isn't trying to do anything to improve the R.
Some have said it is my place to make the move on him b/c of my "rejection" of him and he is hurt and rather watch TV every night rather that risk being rejected again. Does anyone believe that if they were about to lose their spouse that they would try just a little bit to work at holding on to them? Isn't this what this board is all about? And yet....it is me, Sandi, the WAW that is here...not him. Am I not worth just a little bit of effort to keep? Is our M not even worth putting aside his pride to go to a counselor for help?
Cemar says I don't "get it". I don't understand the physical needs of a man. My emotional needs and some of my physical have never been met during the entire 42 years of marriage and I do believe that I did meet his physical and even his emotional needs more than a few times. So, I'm resentful and I'm sad and probably angry b/c I would like to see him show something that resembled some action on his part.
When our children were growing up, I longed to see him be the leader and the head of our home, but I always felt like I was running the ship mostly by myself. Over the years, I lost some respect for him. It took a long time to get some of it back. And, as I've told in past posts, I felt I always took the back seat to his Mother, but whenever I expressed my feelings to him.....he never told me I was not correct or I was wrong or crazy for feeling the way I did. He never said anything. When we tried to "talk" after the OM situation, I brought up about my resentment toward my second place in his life all those years......he never said he was sorry or nothing. But, he was angry that I did not run to him to say I was sorry about the OM.
The only thing..........I mean the only thing that I can try to make nay postive sense out of any of this is maybe he calls himself still giving me space and time to get over the OM. I don't know. The reason I don't think so, is b/c it is just so much like he is all the time!
I don't know how to talk to him about it. I don't want to talk about the OM to him b/c we agreed that we did not have to ever bring him up again. I don't think the OM was "the" problem.....I think he was just a side effect of the real problem. The real problem, I think, is that there has never been real intimacy in our MR. I have never felt the intimacy that I needed and therefore my emotional needs were not met. As a result, I got to the place I could not meet his needs and then he got where he just withdrew more and more.......and so did I until we ended up here in this place that we are now.
And the timing.........our timing has been off since the day we got married! So sad.
Well, thanks for letting me do more journaling than anything else. I don't know anymore to say without repeating myself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
