Out of the mouths of babes.....

[Upside]

w8ing-
In reference to you being a single parent, your h may not be involved right now...but things may not always be this way. Your H is depressed and unable to think of anyone but himself. How can he be a good parent now with all the guilt he is carrying around. To me, what you wrote just shows that he is in crisis. Now look at things this way...look how much and how quickly things have changed for you and your girls...things will change again...so be prepared.

You are the lucky one and your D's are lucky to have you as well. You are also lucky that you aren't having to fight your H over the time spent with each of you. Don't worry about your H and count your blessings. You will be fine.

<3
Upside

[missmyfriend]

w8ing, I apoligize in advance for making personal statements but your first post struck a chord in me.

When my W and I were first going through MC when she first dropped the bomb, our therapist listened to everything over several sessions and made the comment that we need to carefully consider what we do for the children's sake. After my W left, we went to a therapy session two days after she left. The therapist was more concerned with our children then us, which to me, was appropriate. He asked us if we understood why D is so hard on children, especially girls. He went on saying that children expect a "Happily Ever After" and with D, that is gone, never to return. They no longer believe it. Even when they "fall in love", the children, now adults, feel that nothing is meant to last. Nothing can change that for them because the parents they love, separated.

He asked my W if she could work through this, at home, for the children. She said no.

I hate D. No matter what anyone says on the board or elsewhere will I ever believe that D is okay. I know there is an exception of an alcoholic/drug abusing or physical abuse being present but other than that, D is something that is terrible and has no place. For a person to say that they need to find their happiness at the expense of others is extremely deficient in their emotional maturity.

I know many posters here that I care about have had to resign themselves to D and have had to come to the point where they say they are better off now. I understand they are better off than what they experienced since the bomb but are they better off? Maybe. Children are being hurt by D over and over again all over this world and the D rates keep going up.

D is horrible.

[w8ing]

mmf - I am confused by your first statement where you apologize about making personal statements....

There isn't one thing that you posted that I disagree with. The one area where I haven't be agreeable with H is telling the children that WE decided to get a divorce. I want my children to know where I stand on the issue of marriage, vows and divorce. I believe in the first two and not the last one. I have not been clear on this yet with them - they are young, they haven't asked, and it hasn't been appropriate yet. But I want to, someday, be able to look them in the eye and be able to support, with my actions, my words and beliefs.

I didn't want to be present when my H told them about the divorce. I knew it would be horrible. But everything I read and heard said that it would be better for them if both parents were there. So I was there....for them. And I will never forget that day....ever.

And I will continue to do whatever is in their best interest. They didn't sign up for this...they deserve better.

I know that this will change them. I hate that. I hate that I couldn't do anything to protect them from this. I am scared for both of them - how they view relationships and how they will be in their relationships.

I hate D. We agree on this. There is no alcohol, drug or abuse here. There is no reason for this. None. And your statement on someone finding their happiness at the expense of a child is something that I have been echoing for months now. I hate that my H is trying to find his happiness at the expense of so many people - but especially his children.

There are days that I feel that I would be better off divorced. But that is part of the rollercoaster ride. I know that my children will never be better off as children of divorced parents.

Thank you for posting mmf. I agree with everything you said!

[w8ing]

na and ud - thanks so much for your kind words. I have been thinking about my kids a lot today...

It really isn't that my H is being a crappy dad - he just isn't being any kind of dad.....okay - you're right - that is a crappy dad.....

ud - what do you mean by things may change again pretty quickly> Get worse? Or were you being optimistic and thinking better?

He is being forced to spend more time with them on the every other weekend, which is good. The bad part is that he is struggling with it - he doesn't know what to do with them and they are complaining about boredom with him. I sometimes wonder if they were boys, would it be so hard for him?

bnd - I'm sorry if I came across a little harsh. When it comes to my kids, I am a little protective. I do agree with what you wrote - they should not be involved in the D. As far as the ornament thing - I was doing what I thought was right, and showing my kids to do what is right. Thanks for taking the time to post.

[kissak]

Hey w8ing....glad to see you are doing well with this stuff. It is hard when you see that your childrens father have no idea what to do with them when they have them.

This is what my H did with our kids while he had them for 2 hours tonight....he took them for fast food. Ate at the EMS building...Then rode around to waste some time, then brought them home 15 minutes early.

My best friend has an 11 year old that cries the day she has to go to her dads, because she is so bored and doesnt want to go.

I know my Daughter has seen me cry many times this year, its hard to hide your emotions in front of them and I dont think we should hide everything. This is life and it wouldnt be life if there werent problems. They need to know that life will not always end happily ever after.

Take care....send some of your strength my way.

[brandnewday]

Oh please, no offense taken.

I remember how difficult it was for me when my Husband was out in lala land and I was alone with the kids.

It was hard not being able to answer all of the questions.

It was hard hearing them crying because they wanted their Daddy.

It would have been so much easier to have told them the truth.

But taking the high road is not always easier, but it made it easier to be able to look at myself in the mirror each day and know that my conscience was clear.

[w8ing]

bnd - you hit it on the head! I so much want to answer their questions...but it is not the right thing to do. I don't find that to be as difficult as watching them cry over him. That is when my anger reaches a really, really bad point....That is when I hate him.

kissak - with all that you have going on - thanks for stopping by. I'm sorry if I seemed harsh in my last posting to you. Your H is really pissing me off. I can't stand the way he is treating you and playing these games with you. He really needs some more baking...or a swift kick in the *ss. In any event - I agree that we can't always hide our emotions. I do fine until my D13 loses it. Sometimes I can hold it in and other times, I can't.

I just tell her that I am human and get sad too. It doesn't seem to make it worse for her, but I do wish I could control my emotions a little better around her.....

Hugs!

[Lissie]

I know that my children will never be better off as children of divorced parents.

Please don't go into this D with this negative cloud.

How can I explaini this, I hate D, I don't want my kids to come from a "broken home" but dang it

if this is the reality that we have been faced with, then you know what, this single mom home, is gonna be so full of love, it will be the love house.

Don't look on your kids thru the eyes of pity. Say to yourself, well, if my kids are gonna be kids from a D, they are gonna be the best damn kids that came from a D ever.

Ok

I know it is hard to not be emotional in front of the kids. I think we get batter at it.

I shield my kids from alot, b/c I never want them to take on a parental role.

I don't want to worry about me, that is not their job.

Be a team, and I know you already are, and make the best of an ugly situation lovey.

[kissak]

w8ing....you were not harsh at all. I appreciate all advice. You were right on. He is still "baking" I guess he is still in the gooey stage.......

We are human....it is just really sad to me when my 11 year old comes to me when I am crying and just sits next to me and pats me on the back saying...it's ok. That just breaks my heart.

[missmyfriend]

Lis really has it down pat. We cannot do anything about the sitch that we are forced to be in. Our dreams were shattered in what we wanted to give our children -- a mom and dad that were close and in love together as we grow old together, sitting together watching our grandchildren. Instead it is up to us to be the stable foundation for our children. To show them love and care and that we can be there for them. They can no longer trust the other parent to show unconditional love to them. They need us for that.