I really don't know what to expect. It's interesting that the book suggests creating a "crisis" to pull the person back to you. It was this crisis that lead them to each other. I can only hope this will start things anew for me.. with or without her.
You do know what to expect...you keep living your life with or without her. You will continue being a responsible adult and an incredible father with or without her. You will continue trying to do the right thing (and agonizing over it) with or without her. In other words, you will continue being a real man with or without her.
She has to learn some tough lessons that only life can teach. I get the feeling that she has gotten by on the "cute" factor, depending on the men in her life (dad, Jarhead, OM) to bail her out when she gets into a jam. The problem is that at some point the man in her life will demand some behavior changes so that he doesn't have to keep cleaning up her messes--and she resists the demand.
I don't think that she will learn anything until she has to clean up some of these messes on her own. I am concerned that things will get much worse for her before they get better, and about the effects on your Ds. It already sounds like she is headed downward--plagiarizing papers (grounds for expulsion, BTW), financial irresponsibility, etc. Be prepared to step in if you need to.
Keep at it Jar, you're staying sane in an insane situation.
So.. a little drama this evening. D3 fell and cut her eye while I was making dinner.. yes ladies.. I cook!!
It was bad enough that I decided to take her to urgent care. I called W.. I forgot she works a second job on Tuesdays. She met us there.
She said it meant alot to her that I called her.. although I did catch her texting OM while I was doing paperwork!! WTF?
So.. while we were being seen, W was a little clingy with D3 and got mad when I carried her from one room to another. She said "Then why did I come" I got mad.. I told her she needed to stop being needy. Probably not good, but I was mad.
Then.. I ask if she needed me to watch the girls on thursday.. she said no.. I asked who was watching them.. she tried to lie, but I told her not to. She said OM as his kids would be there too. I told her "I thought we had an agreement" She tried to come back with something, but said "I'm not fighting" I said "Well for the record, we had a rule and you are breaking it"
Got home.. fed D's dinner.. just checked.. W just got my email. We'll see what happens.
Jarhead, you're doing great man. The letter was awesome, the fact that it was a letter is even better, nothing can be read into or misconstrued later. I'm not about avoiding confrontation so much as clarity, my STBXW does some SERIOUS interpretation and revising of our commo.
She has now left friendly lines. She knows the route back in, but it's up to her to choose it or wander around in indian country.
It's almost cliche'd (SP?) on this board, but focus on the kids. That's our main job right now anyway.
Like your earlier post,
Hookin and a jabbin,
Fightin and a stabbin.....
-------------- The Forlorn Hope:...A picked body of men detached to the front to begin the attack....Fortified, meaning strengthened to stand...and thus, positioned for victory
Quick update while I'm getting D's ready for bed. W just called. No mention of email..she asked about some boots for D5. They have pictures coming up. She also mentioned something about D5 getting a report card and how she wasn't happy about stuff on there. I said she could email the teacher because I had.. she got all mad. She has written letters to the teacher without me knowing.
I told her to calm down.. it wasn't anything bad.. just a way to contact us.
Ya know what I think .... I think that it was a mistake to contact wife when you took your kid to the urgent care. Let her find out after the fact.
Listen, your email "released her." Yet by calling her to tell her you were at urgent care, you "caged her" again. Your attitude should be, "Oh, well, this is what you wanted. You want separate lives? OK."
IMO, your calling her was a way of enabling her. It showed her that she can do whatever she wants and her "connection" to her girls will not change.
I say go "scorched earth." You need to show her the connection will change.
WOW Mark.. not sure I'm there yet. I'd catch hell either way. I didn't invite her to come. I just called to let her know. When I brought her in in the morning, she would light me up. I also would appreciate the same kind of notification. I would be incensed if she hadn't at least called me.
Not to be the devil's advocate, but how did you know your W got her email? Did you have a notification set up to notify you when she got it? Or.... are you checking her email still?
Please understand that I'm not trying to make you feel bad, however, you will feel better if you detach yourself from what she does/doesn't do altogether - unless it relates to your Ds.
Besides, you CAN'T control what she does and your wasting your precious life in trying to. Aren't you worth more than that? I believe you are - especially if you cook!.... lol ;-)
Seriously though, you wrote the letter now continue to live your life "AS IF" - especially when it seems the hardest to do, because usually that's when you need to do it the most.
I DEFINITELY know it's much easier to say these things than do them, but it sounds to me as though you're a pretty strong guy and that you'll be able to do this.
If possible - every time you think you're trying to control your W, walk away or end conversations, or whatever interaction you're doing. Separate yourself and figure out why you're trying to control the sitch. 9 times out of 10 it's because you don't want to get hurt and that's understandable. However, knowing it and doing something about it are different. Only you can figure out which it is.
Hang in there & stay strong as you have been!
God Bless!
"GET BUSY LIVING OR GET BUSY DYING...."
And... for your viewing pleasure.... http://www.laughyourway.com/video/ Best video I've seen that helps define the difference between Men's & Women's thoughts.
My response (if she found out after the fact) would be, "You are the one who wants separate lives. I am giving you what you want. YOU moved out. YOU left the family. If you want to be involved in these matters in the future, then you need to change your behavior."
Very good points. Stumped.. I'm checking email.. just want to know when she got it so I can be prepared.. yep.. line has been drawn. Need to live it that way.
Mark.. I understand. I don't necessarily agree though.. and that's fine.
I'm a staunch supporter of "equal parenting" I know it's a little tongue and cheek based on what she's been doing, but I feel comfortable in letting her know. I may be enabling, but I won't feel guilty for leaving her out of something like that. It was also a reaction.. she cut her head open.. called W to let her know. My first thought was "She's going to call at 6 and we'll be at the urgent care.. need to give her a heads up."
You are probably right though.. separate lives.
I think the timing is nice with the letter and all.
