not a peep

[Trixi]

Hey Nik- got the emails. Mailbox is now not full.

Well, picked up H late last night at the airport. Romp in the hay last night and this morning. After breakfast I asked what was going on with Christmas and New Years and he told me he was going to New York. Oh. Well, I guess then I don't have to be driven crazy knowing he is here local and not with me.

He said that he had talked briefly with his sis and uncle about our situation. But he didn't have any news. No lightening bolt hit him. His bottom line- I shouldn't count on him for anything. I had him elaborate and he said that we should proceed with me buying an investment house to live in. That I should try to find a foreclosure or maybe a fixer. I said "uh- I can't do all the handywork in a fixer" and he said "oh, well of course I'd be happy to help." (yeah, I don't think so. If I go buy a house, I am going to have to go completely dark.)

At one point I teared up and he said "I don't want to lead you on. I don't know what the hell I am doing. I hate that I keep hurting you." as he wiped a tear from my cheek.
I said "so, you're just leading me on?" Him "No. I just don't know what I am doing." He wants me to move forward with my life (that's what he meant by don't count on him.) And if he comes back then we can make the adjustments.

I told him that I was really concerned financially; that I didn't want to deplete the nest egg and that I didn't think I could totally support myself without dipping into it and he said that he could "help" me. We also agreed that no one is filing anything; that things would be status quo until he could figure out what he wanted. Oh,and I said "You know the downpayment could have been a motorhome or all sorts of cool things" and he said "If we get back together, we are both able bodied--we'll be able to get what we want--and it's not like we'll lose money having real estate." (Obviously he isn't watching the rest of the country.)

He is still considering moving to another state/warmer climate. He hates living in the apartment. He just doesn't know what he wants with his life. Sometimes he wants to be with me and sometimes he doesn't. I said "well, you miss me" and he said "of course, I'll always miss you. I love you."

I said that I still held out hope because we have a really good foundation and he said "yes, we do. But BOTH people have to want to participate." *sigh*

It finished up with me saying "So, you just *have* to do this the hard way huh?" and he said "you mean because you know I'll be back?" and I said "yup. I will try to forgive you for putting me thru this; but you need to know that the spouses that were left and returned to are really MAD because they had to stuff their feelings for so long. Be aware it's HARD work."

Had some chit chat conversation regarding gutters, mail, etc.

He gathered up his stuff, gave me a nice kiss goodbye and left.

Every time I sleep (literally and figuratively) with him, kiss him, say goodbye, eat a meal with him, I always wonder "is THIS the last time I will ever do this with him?"

So, there it is. I guess I need to go and find a house. Merry F'in Christmas and Happy F'in New Year to me. BOOOOOO!