W still angry with me, but the intensity lessens

[Lanzo]

My old thread locked up earlier than anticipated.

(Click on link below to recap)

[Pudmuddle]

My old thread locked up earlier than anticipated.

(Click on link below to recap)

Hi Lanzy,

Ahaaaaa....what I see going on here is that she has been observing your changes and is now doing similar things that you are doing...
That point is when I noticed my H really start changing for himself and wanting to come back into my life. Not everyone is the same, but this is a good path you are going down. Keep it up!

[Pudmuddle]

Oh and...

Still no physical contact between us, I don't get any where near her personal space, and she covers up when she comes out of the shower (did I say I wasn't preoccupied with her ) No talk about the R or D, no talk about us but at least were talking.

When I noticed my H starting to warm up more, I experimented with giving him a hand squeeze or a light hug to see how he would react. Sometimes I would say 'Can we hug?' Or 'I could use a hug?' and he would say 'suuuuuuure'. Experiment with small things and see how she reacts. Don't take it personal if she doesn't like it, but that is a good way to test the waters.

Oh, one little backslide, the toilet is leaking from the flush tank and I've not fixed it yet. I was going to give her a full explanation as to why it hasn't been done yet, but that's the old me. Tomorrow I'm just gonna do it.

Yes, I say fix it with no explanation! that is a great 180 and will probably shock the heck out of her.

[Just_Me]

Sometimes I would say 'Can we hug?' Or 'I could use a hug?' and he would say 'suuuuuuure'.

Not sure I like the sound of that "suuuuure". Sounds a little hesitant and a little like it's easier than just saying no.

[Pudmuddle]

Hello JM

Yeah, sometimes it did sound that way, but the fact that he would still hug me instead of getting angry or a disgusted look on his face broke the ice for us a little bit. Baby steps.

I'm sure he was very unsure, probably(yes reading minds here) thinking how could she still want to hug me after I have treated her badly? It did surprise him a bit. I don't know, it kept me going through the negative times.

[Lanzo]

Hi Pudsy,

Ahaaaaa....what I see going on here is that she has been observing your changes and is now doing similar things that you are doing...

Please can you explain this a little more, because I'm not sure of you interpretation of W behaviour.

At the moment I still get angry looks and muttered comments from W which are not nice, so I don't think I will be asking for a hug anytime soon, and I think a **** is definitely out of the question.

But, I still can see baby steps so I'll carry on. And yes the toilet is fixed without further explaination.

[Lanzo]

Hi Pudsey,

Ahaaaaa....what I see going on here is that she has been observing your changes and is now doing similar things that you are doing...

I still don't understand this part.


So to today
W tells me that "Mum (MIL) is doing dinner next weekend and has invited W best friend and her family", Ok I says.
"Mum has also invited some other guests and it's going to be a full house". "Sounds good" I said.

Then I ask W was she going to drop in to see all of the guests. " We've been invited as a family too" . "Ok I've no problem with that". W then tells me that the following week we've been invited to dinner at MIL best friend. "OK I can go to that as well".
W then uses the disclaimer statement that she not forcing me to go to any of these occasions but she was just letting me know that I was invited too. I told her as long as she was happy for me to go with her then I'd go.

The old me would have said "Stuff you. !! You go to these dinners on your own and explain why your H isn't here with you". But I'm going to, accompany my W (WAW) eat dinner, make small talk and enjoy myself.

Am I doing the right thing ? Are these more baby steps ?

[sandi2]

Yes, you are doing the right thing! I know it is hard to go along to these dinners, etc., but just use them as opportunities to show your changes. If the W doesn't see all of them, maybe the MIL will and point them out later to the W.

As far as the "I need a hug"....well, that sounds sort of ok for a female, (even though to me it is "clingy"....but that just IMHO), but for a male to say that--sounds kind of "weak" so if you haven't made a lot of progress, I wouldn't go that route yet.

[Lanzo]

Very strange today.

D6 woke me at 3.30am to tell me she didn't like her room and that she was scared of the dark, this is a regular occurrence but today it got to me . After I managed to settle her down, I went back to bed but I couldn't sleep, I just lay there, all my negative thoughts, all my problems just going round and round in my head. I finally got up with a bad headache and feeling tired. I got a ride into work from a co worker and on the journey in I just felt lousy, tearful, sickly, (dare I say it suicidal) I just felt like sh*t. This has honestly been my worst day since I've pulled myself together and started putting DB into practice. I've had so many positive days that a negative was bound to happen.

Work wasn't much better, lack of sleep, work issues on my mind, R issues, money issue, car issues, today was really bad.
I spent a lot of time on IM across the office to my co worker who has been keeping me going. He has his own problems, 2 years divorced and still coming to terms with it. We've been a good support for each other. I kept telling myself today is a bad day, tomorrow will be better. I don't know how I got through the day, but I can feel my work being affected, not in all areas but I know by my normal standards I'm not 100%.

I normally go to the gym after work and work off a bit of frustration, but I felt a twinge from an old injury so I decided to give it a miss. Anyway I can spend more time with D6 and help her with her reading.

Dinners with W are getting better, we do have conversation, she talks about her job and I listen. Today she started talking about my car and how she felt I should change it, and how I should be able to afford something much better next year. It felt like she was leaving an opening to start R discussion but I resisted. I've had this feeling for the last couple of days that she wanted to talk R but I'm waiting for her to start any actual discussions. Negative feelings reappeared briefly, W wants me to get a new car but I know I've got debts to sort out first. I know she wants me to look the part in a big car but what's the point we're not a couple, we're not a family. I wanted to say this, and say it loud.

Funny though, the evening ended on a good note W invited me into the kitchen to help her mix some fruit smoothies and to be her taster. The smoothies were good and she has some new recipes to take to work with her lunch box. We weren't lovey, dovey or anything like that, and there's still distance between us, but we were interacting in a way that we haven't done in a long while. After we were finished in the kitchen, W retired upstairs to watch TV in bed, I stayed downstairs to flit between the computer and the main TV.

Today was a strange day, tomorrow will be better.

[Pudmuddle]

Lanzey's alive!!! YAY.

Quote:
Ahaaaaa....what I see going on here is that she has been observing your changes and is now doing similar things that you are doing...


I still don't understand this part.

I guess what I meant by this was that when my H began to change was that he started to mimic the behaviors I was showing(from DB). He started to treat me with respect, like I was treating him, he started doing household things for BOTH of us, not just himself, like I was doing, He repeated things I would say, etc. etc. I felt like I had a parrot or a toddler hanging around mimicking my every move. lol

He no longer glared at me or things like that. He softened.

I know it's not the same for everyone here, but that is what I observed when he started to come back to reality.

I think you are doing better and better, so keep up the good baby steps Lanz. And post when you can - miss ya!