W still angry with me, but the intensity lessens

[Lanzo]

Very strange today.

D6 woke me at 3.30am to tell me she didn't like her room and that she was scared of the dark, this is a regular occurrence but today it got to me . After I managed to settle her down, I went back to bed but I couldn't sleep, I just lay there, all my negative thoughts, all my problems just going round and round in my head. I finally got up with a bad headache and feeling tired. I got a ride into work from a co worker and on the journey in I just felt lousy, tearful, sickly, (dare I say it suicidal) I just felt like sh*t. This has honestly been my worst day since I've pulled myself together and started putting DB into practice. I've had so many positive days that a negative was bound to happen.

Work wasn't much better, lack of sleep, work issues on my mind, R issues, money issue, car issues, today was really bad.
I spent a lot of time on IM across the office to my co worker who has been keeping me going. He has his own problems, 2 years divorced and still coming to terms with it. We've been a good support for each other. I kept telling myself today is a bad day, tomorrow will be better. I don't know how I got through the day, but I can feel my work being affected, not in all areas but I know by my normal standards I'm not 100%.

I normally go to the gym after work and work off a bit of frustration, but I felt a twinge from an old injury so I decided to give it a miss. Anyway I can spend more time with D6 and help her with her reading.

Dinners with W are getting better, we do have conversation, she talks about her job and I listen. Today she started talking about my car and how she felt I should change it, and how I should be able to afford something much better next year. It felt like she was leaving an opening to start R discussion but I resisted. I've had this feeling for the last couple of days that she wanted to talk R but I'm waiting for her to start any actual discussions. Negative feelings reappeared briefly, W wants me to get a new car but I know I've got debts to sort out first. I know she wants me to look the part in a big car but what's the point we're not a couple, we're not a family. I wanted to say this, and say it loud.

Funny though, the evening ended on a good note W invited me into the kitchen to help her mix some fruit smoothies and to be her taster. The smoothies were good and she has some new recipes to take to work with her lunch box. We weren't lovey, dovey or anything like that, and there's still distance between us, but we were interacting in a way that we haven't done in a long while. After we were finished in the kitchen, W retired upstairs to watch TV in bed, I stayed downstairs to flit between the computer and the main TV.

Today was a strange day, tomorrow will be better.