All I can hold on to is myself, kids and this site

[BEAUTYandWAH]

This is my first thread.
Before I start my story, I will have to thank all of you who are here and listening to me. I have few people who I can talk honestly about my situation so this is a great opportunity for me to get real feedback. So thank you again.
One more thing, I will do the best I can to spell and write but English is not my first language so please forgive me and ask me when you are not sure what I am trying to say.

Me:30
H:29
M:7 Together: 8
D:6
S:2

We were in love each other when we were dating. After we found out I was pregnant, things weren't the best but we decided to get married and have a child together. Yes, we were young and we got married for a 'wrong' reason.

We both had personal issues to deal with. I had depression from childhood and issue with my mother (very controlling and criticized me since I was little)
He had issues with drugs, ADHD (he says never diagnosed but was taking some sort of medication during teen-age..? ..I am not exactly sure), lots of behavioural issues since little, dysfunctional relationship with immediate and extended family because of his behavior issue for a long time.

I overcame most of my depression regarding my childhood through years of therapy, counseling, medication etc. Beginning of summer 2007, I finally felt like things were going well for the first time in my life. I was confident, loved myself and had energy to take care of others. When I finally realized how much I appreciated to have my husband and kids, it was too late. He had an affair with younger woman for about 5 months at the time.

About 3 month after I found his affair, his mind and heart was between me and OW. When finally OW had enough and moved away, he told me "I love her" "I misses her" "I will never come back to you" "We got married for wrong reason" "She made me happy" etc etc.

My in-laws have been there for me and my kids since I told them in September. They offered to get me a divorce lawyer and even asked me to move in with them after myH left us in the unsafe neighborhood. I did not accept either offer yet.

I read many thread on this site and am reading Michele's books. I think I am doing alright.. since my profession is crisis intervention, I am doing pretty good (counseling, therapy, medication, work on myself, enjoy times with kids, have social time with friends etc etc)

My concern.. lots.

I still love him and at the same time, I am very mad at him for leaving me the way he did and hurting my precious children who are inocent and unconditionally love him, yet he left them for his personal reasons (be a single, his school (undergrad), go to bars 3-4 times a week, thinking about moving to other state for grad school next year (other side of coast!)AND OW (the relationship with her is text, phone call, e-mail..)

I have not asked him about our future relationship (when is the D-Day, are you coming back, do you love me.. etc), which I think I am doing very well.

BUT he asks me questions "How are you doing??" "Are you waiting for something to happen?" "What do you think about the whole situation?" Yet, nothing said from him. I just tell him 'I am doing good but of course, I become emotional time to time' Very simple answer.

When I am alone, I become very emotional and become very sad, mad, get pissed and all the negative feelings. That's why I am here with you all. I know it is getting very long story, I should let you go for now. Please give me any feedback.

Thank you for listening to me.

[BEAUTYandWAH]

After I came home from my overnight shift, (he stay with kids at my place the night of my work until I come home..) he put his 'new' outfit and was getting ready for his day.

The outift was not his/my style what so ever and it is not what he can afford. Last 8 years, I chose his outfit, hair style, and so on EVERYDAY (even when he was going out to see OW.. of couse I didn't know) What he was wearing today is not our style. It was against d-buster principle, but I said "I guess your style is going down and you won't look good any more...it is just not your style" He got very upset and said "that is very rude". I suspected it was a gift from someone.. OW?

I just cannot complement when he just don't look good.. What can I say something good to him..?

I am going to my IC right now and hope I can put my mind together to start the new week.

[Dr LOve]

I just cannot complement when he just don't look good.. What can I say something good to him..?

Hey Beauty,

Ever heard "if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all.??"

Don't have time now but when I get off work I will look at your other post

the good H

[BEAUTYandWAH]

the good husband,
Thank you soo much for your post. Past a few days have been very diffucult for me.. He kept saying 'don't think I will come back to you' and I keep snapping..


Plus, I am having nightmare about the whole situatuation of him, OW... I feel like I am trying not to think about them but just showing up in my mind how much they are happy when I am miserable and my kids are having a very difficult time.

I went shopping the last couple days just for myself. Something make me feel good and sexy. But my tears don't stop.. I hate holidays alone. Everyone at mall look soo happy with lovers, partners, family...

Yes, you are right. I should not say anything to him if I cannot say something nice..I will try not to initiate conversation for a while. Hope this depression time will go away very soon and 'be happy (look happy)' from outside and inside.

Hows your day go?

Beauty

[SueS]

Beauty-

I know this is tough. Good for you for getting out and doing something for yourself with the shopping.

Sweetie, your feelings of obsessing over thoughts of your H and OW and your crying are perfectly natural. They are things I think we've all done at the beginning. It's hard to stop them. Someone else on the board mentioned the same thing about seeing all the happy people around them. I was just in the store the other day and was walking past the men's section. I wanted to stop and look at things, but knew my H wouldn't appreciate it right now. Let's add on top of that the fact that you have kids. That's a heavy burden to bear.

You said that you have few people to talk to. Do you have anyone? This board is a great place to come to, but I know that it's helpful to at least have someone close that you can talk to. Do you go to church? Could you talk to a religious leader in your church? Just a thought.

Hang in there. This is tough, but you've come to a good place. You'll get a lot of honest, but wonderful support here.

SueS

[cire2]

He kept saying 'don't think I will come back to you' and I keep snapping..

Just a thought, sounds like he's fishing for your feelings.

You said before that after OW left is when he chased her.

We tend to want what we can't have initially, so when your not emotional with him he starts to test your feelings.

Hang in there, you sound like you're on the right path!!

cire

[BEAUTYandWAH]

Sue,Cire
thank you for stopping by.. yes its been tough.

I used to talk to my friends about my situation but I sort of stop it after a while. My friends are from my work and they do coundseling as their job and they are good at it. But it is not fun to counsel someone outside of their job.. I talk to my sister-in-law pretty often and she is suportive and be there for me. I do not belong to any religous group at this time. I will think about where else I can get support..
I am sad but I feel much better after you two and good husband posted for me. You are listening for me from far away. It is a great feeling to have someone who knows about unhealthy relationship.

Thank you again,
I will have to wake up 5am to go to work tomorrow and I am heading to bed now. I will come back to the site more tomorrow!

Good night.
Beauty

[LL44]

Welcome and I am sorry you are here. Nothing lessens the pain, but at least good people here remind you that there is good out there, supportive people and friends. I hope H comes around and things work out. Until then, this is a wonderful place.

[BEAUTYandWAH]

lwb, thank you for stopping by.
yes, I am so glad to find this site. I started coming to this site right after I found out his affair so I think I am on the right path so far.

Today is a pretty good day.
I went to yoga class. I ate healthy meal. I spent quality time with my kids and in-laws watching 'x'mas sherk' 'grinch' (spell?)


Also, I talked to one my good friend today and feel lots better. Those who know about his affair, think I don't need him and I will find better person... Relationship with myH is so complicated and right now I don't even know what I want. My situation is too far away from 'happy life with H' right now. Well, it's been only a few weeks since he moved out. I guess it is still very beginning stage.


One thing I would like to ask you and everyone is how do/did you talk to your parents/siblings about separation/divorce.. I have a plan to go home this winter about 3 weeks and am afraid I will have to disclose that myH is not living with me anymore (I know my daughter will tell everyone!)

[BEAUTYandWAH]

Between midnight-1am, H texted me twice. I didn't response at all (d-busting), He called at 1:30am.. I answered.. He was at a bar and speaking very nicely (drunk)"I start worried about you because you don't answer my text.."... Humm.. its 1:30am and why you worry about someone who is mostlikly in bed..
He asked me how I am doing physically and mentally. I answered very simple, 'just tired'.. H says "do you need stress release" "How can I help you?"

ohh, I finally got the secret message from him.. he wants to come over and sleep with me.

But I just told him "im going to bed now, i will call you tomorrow about kids" He goes "well...I guess I will talk to you tomorrow."

He has a relationship with OW who lives out of state.
He has no problem cheating on OW as well as me. What is wrong with my H....

I am start thinking about our future.I don't think our kids will like him if he continue to be A&&. He broke the promss to put the xmas tree Monday (this week) and now it is Friday night. D7 is not happy with him right now. I can feel the pain of 'not connected to her daddy' She is a daddys little girl..I just want H to be great father and I would be happy for him to do anything (EA,OW,drink etc) He is too occupied to pay attention to small things around kids.

---Sad mom, Beauty