Plank removed from eye, too late for WAW? 8

[Heimlich]

Took a break over the holidays. Cooked Thanksgiving dinner for the girls and myself -- excellent bird, if I say so myself. Invited the W, but she volunteered somewhere in south MD. Ended up coming down with a cold over the weekend and felt like hammered poop. Still, managed to get the girls' fish tanks set up -- been promising them since I moved in, just haven't had the time. They're enjoying those.

By the way, talk about her being totally shut off. I asked her last Friday where she volunteered and what it entailed. Thought/think that was a pretty cool thing to do and something I'll almost certainly do this Christmas. Anyway, man, you would have thought I'd asked her something personal. As Chris said above, she is done. I have no clue how we got from last January her telling me she didn't want to lose me to late Winter/Spring us buying things for the house together to the ILBNILWY speech to now, where I can't even ask a simple question about something interesting that she did. She's not my W. She's not my friend. At this point, she's just a person I happen to have children with, nothing more. We share nothing else in common at this point. Sad, but this has all been her decision. As the holidays approach, I do find myself thinking about her more, but I'm also finding I'm getting pretty PO'ed. Who the hell is she to have made these decisions without sharing her feelings with me -- after all, all I did was give her all the love that I had and knew how to give at the time, with her telling me she was happy/OK with the way things were between us and that they were getting better -- all the way up until she decided to leave. Ug, anyway. My original point was this: other than polite chit-chat with the WAS, leave her or him the hell alone. They've built up such a huge reserve of negativity and anger towards us, that the slightest touch can send them over the edge.

Chris, I'm an Xbox 360 man. Been off the xbox for a while. Current addiction is Medieval Total War 2 on the PC. Awaiting with breathless anticipation the next release of Grand Theft Auto so as to unleash my inner hood.

Cool, I'm in on the photo exchange. I'll see if I can take a decent photo of myself today.

BD

[Puddle]

Hey Heim!

Sorry to hear you've been under the weather. Hope you're feeling better.

Still, managed to get the girls' fish tanks set up -- been promising them since I moved in, just haven't had the time. They're enjoying those.

Great! I bet they are. Accomplishing something (especially something one's promised the littles) can be so satisfying.

Anyway, man, you would have thought I'd asked her something personal.

Like, "Where are you spending your time?" So now you know she doesn't even want to be your friend right now, can't, hasn't had enough space (I add that last one on my own, but I think it's true). I wonder what it was that made this click for you this time. Whatever it was, good.

I have no clue how we got from last January her telling me she didn't want to lose me to late Winter/Spring us buying things for the house together to the ILBNILWY speech to now, where I can't even ask a simple question about something interesting that she did.

Heim, do you really have no clue?

Who the hell is she to have made these decisions without sharing her feelings with me -- after all, all I did was give her all the love that I had and knew how to give at the time, with her telling me she was happy/OK with the way things were between us and that they were getting better -- all the way up until she decided to leave.

Hello, anger! Is this new, Heim? Have you not been angry sometime since this started? I'm asking because I wonder whether it's also part of you moving forward.

My original point was this: other than polite chit-chat with the WAS, leave her or him the hell alone. They've built up such a huge reserve of negativity and anger towards us, that the slightest touch can send them over the edge.

Excellent advice.

Take care, Heim.

[Pudmuddle]

Oh Heimy.

I have to say I agree with Puddle...do you really have no clue? After all this?

Originally Posted By: Heimlich
I have no clue how we got from last January her telling me she didn't want to lose me to late Winter/Spring us buying things for the house together to the ILBNILWY speech to now, where I can't even ask a simple question about something interesting that she did.

Heim, do you really have no clue?

Originally Posted By: Heimlich
Who the hell is she to have made these decisions without sharing her feelings with me -- after all, all I did was give her all the love that I had and knew how to give at the time, with her telling me she was happy/OK with the way things were between us and that they were getting better -- all the way up until she decided to leave.

Hello, anger! Is this new, Heim? Have you not been angry sometime since this started? I'm asking because I wonder whether it's also part of you moving forward.

Before I came here, I remember my H being disconnected from me for two years(if not longer), claiming he could never forgive me for the things I HAD done, when he had never turned inside himself to REALLY examine himself and see how he had contributed. It took both of us to make the family tree fall. He too, felt like he had done all he could to fix things. But he really hadn't. You can see in my posts now how that changed dramatically when he allowed himself to ask for help, for forgiveness for himself and for me, and turn inside himself and want to change for HIM. I now admire him for wanting to change himself and make his life better. That has made me love him more strongly than before. No, it's not perfection, but I don't want that either. That is how your W would see you, if you ALLOWED yourself to do that. We can't all solve our problems by ourselves, sometimes its ok to ask for help. It's not a sign of weakness, but one of great character to build a better you.

Sometimes I get an icky vibe from your posts that you are still blaming her for a lot of things. I could be wrong. But I know this vibe from H made me feel absolutely awful inside. I used to look in his eyes and see nothing but empty darkness and that was scary as heck.

Just some thoughts I had while reading your latest.

[Heimlich]

To the law firm of P & P,

Yes, I have a clue as to how we got where we are. Forgive an oversimplification of a thought there. That was more of a "how did we get here" muttered in befuddlement. I understand the steps that got me to where I am now -- and my role in it.

Little anger, little frustration. Erupts now and again. All in all, more disappointed than anything else. I understand how she got to where she is, for the most part.

I get an icky vibe from your posts that you are still blaming her for a lot of things.

I blame her for one thing and one thing only -- back in the spring she allowed me to think, and told me, that she was falling back in love with me and that things were getting better between us. I wasn't perfect. Looking back, there are some actions on my part I would change. I was blaming her for where we were. However, she was not honest with me about her feelings. She was telling me she was increasingly happy. She was telling her Mom that things weren't getting any better. Now, if she had told ME how she was really feeling, would we be here now? Maybe, but probably not. In all honesty, that's a worse betrayal than the A was. In March and through mid-April last year, I was happier than I had been in years. I'm actually happier in myself today than I was then, but that's despite her.

That's the one issue that I keep coming back to. Even if, at some point in the future, she wants to give us a go again, I don't know if I can trust her to be emotionally honest and mature enough to tell me how she really feels. To this day, I have no idea how she feels about her role in the disintegration of our R. She's said once or twice that she is to blame too, but she's either not gone beyond that or really just thinks it's all my fault.

Anyway, back to work.

BD

[Pudmuddle]

To the law firm of P & P,

Well, I won't quit my day job just yet... I was just concerned that you haven't allowed yourself to come out of that and let go.

Yeah, I understand your befuddlement, truly. I also completely understand the disappointment.

I know what you mean about the trust issue, I THOUGHT I was back to trusting my husband for the last two years about 3 cycles ago of this continuing circle. But he was never on the same page. Even though things for me, at the moment, seem better than they have been in the past, I too know its going to make me wary of his love again. But that is a chance I am willing to take AGAIN.

Even if this was a new person, I would be wary but would take the chance. In the name of loving someone, because having that love back at you is tremendous. I have seen how much this trust in loving issue has hurt my H(NOW, wish I'd seen it awhile ago), so I am very aware of the pain you are feeling in this area.

From a W point of view, she can still sense that you are hurt by this and see it in your actions and voice, even if you think you are not showing it. I know for me, seeing that empty hole in his soul and the darkness in his eyes shattered my little brain and heart. I didn't know what to do to bring it back...

If it is hard to discuss with her, because you are gunshy about her reactions or yours, could you write her a letter? Telling her the things that you said in your last post? I would have loved for my H to tell me those things, so that I could really get what he was feeling.

[Gone Dancin']

P Snafu,

If it is hard to discuss with her, because you are gunshy about her reactions or yours, could you write her a letter? Telling her the things that you said in your last post? I would have loved for my H to tell me those things, so that I could really get what he was feeling.

That's because you WANT your H back. This is not going to be helpful for Heim because it is pursuing, not giving her space, needy, etc -- and she doesn't want Heim back (right now). She knows how he feels -- No need to keep beating a dead horse (whether it's orally, written, etc). I just think this is a bad idea, and knowing Heim's track record with his W during his time here, I can 99.9% guarantee it would do no good, if not MORE damage by pushing her further away.

Time, space, detachment, GALing, and patience are the key ingredients.

GD

[Heimlich]

I would love to, but she's not interested in hearing it. Also, jsut did the math -- it's been 8 months. Seems at once longer and shorter than that. She was actually friendly yesterday when she picked up the girls. Actually almost hate it when she does that because she's up and down. If we had a month of friendly interaction, that'd be one thing, but she's up and down. Now that I type that, she's always been like that -- another one of those personality quirks of hers I've been overlooking. Throw that piece on the detachment pile.

I would love to just ask her flat out that if the once (and future?) OM weren't in the picture, would she be more willing to look at me positively.

Hell, I don't even really want to move back in together (well, I would, but it would be too much, too soon and I know that). I'd just like to take her out to lunch and go from there. I don't think she's even open to that, much less a letter.

BD

[Gone Dancin']

True dat!

[Puddle]

Thank god you beat me to it, GD---NO letter writing for Heim. And no asking anything, of course. Heim, if you feel the urge to ask her, ask me, and I'll answer for her: "I'm not interested in discussing this with you." Or how bout, "You've got your life; I've got mine." I have a few more I can whip out, too.

Take care.

[Heimlich]

Hey! PM brought up the letter, not me! LOL. For a change. I'm successfully fighting that urge.