Thanks frank. It would be easier if she were just mad all the time. Her anger, after almost two years, actually helps me move on. But when her *feelings* for me or the family come back, it really hurts. A repeat hurt.
Does that make any sense?
Absolutely. You want her to give you reasons to dislike her so you can bring this all to a conclusion and 'move on'. It's much easier than opening your heart up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable.
When her *feelings* come back, you sure do a good job of squashing them whenever possible - if by nothing else by not nurturing them or mirroring them back to her. You shut down or show indifference or anger instead.
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I see now it is better not to get wrapped up in "her intensity" as you put it, so she has no easy confirmation of her position.
Do you see that in the first year of this whole situation you helped her justify herself by being angry every time you interacted with her? You became part of her intensity, and fed the monster.
I'm not going to say you 'messed up', you were hurt, you were having trouble staying 'the rock'. She told you what she needed, to find her own control over her life, and she expressed her anger over not feeling like her life has been her own, but targeted it at you.
You took it as anger AT YOU, it wasn't though. I believe that she has anger at herself, the typical MLC type anger of 'is this all I am?'. The anger of feeling like her life has been about others, and not about her wants and desires. Part of that anger, which my W also focused at me, is the feeling that she let you be in charge and she didn't make decisions on her own and that really makes her feel vulnerable.
Now, you aren't doing that any more. You know it's not about you. It never was. Yet there is still the hurt little boy who is holding back from allowing any friendly contact to be - friendly on both sides.
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She is on travel this week, left yesterday. I got a call last night, thought it was FIB. But it was fW. She said hi and I was just in shock a bit - she never calls, just sends an email "safe arrival".
Very long pause. She says "well I made it". She asked how I was and proceeded to tell me about her trip, how she had a bad headache, and her hotel - how she hit the exercise room, etc. She commented how hard it was to leave the kids. I listened mostly. Her call duplicated the calls she made when we were still together.
"Her call duplicated the calls she made when we were still together. "
What's with the 'very long pause'? Would you treat someone else that way? How rude do you feel you need to be to her? Is the little boy still mad at her? Not gonna give her any positive energy any more? You supported her when her mom died and other times recently. Why not now during 'real life'?
Every time she reaches out to you your first reaction is to be stand offish and punish her for her angry deeds. Where is the forgiveness?
What would Jesus do? How would he treat another human being?
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Then she said she had a few topics to discuss. I thought, here it comes (remember she was a total bi*ch the day before). Instead she talked about the kid's homework and things I needed to do (make sure they read, S10 has a spelling test this week so go over his words, etc). Sort of a lecture on things I already knew, but I just listened without comment. She made a cheerful goodby and I gave the phone to the kids.
"She made a cheerful goodby and I gave the phone to the kids."
She called YOU Jacka$$. The kids are your common bond but it was YOU she talked to first about her trip, how she was feeling and other stuff. She could have just talked to you about the kids schedule then asked to talk to them.
Sharing her experiences with YOU is a form of intimacy. If you don't believe me ask any woman on this board.
The tone I get from your post is you just said nothing, you were silent, you didn't give her any positives in the conversation. Is that true?
How about showing some interest in what she has to say? Maybe some encouragement? How about being fun to talk to?
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It would be better for me if she just stayed angry.
Would it? Get out of the pity party you're in. I've been there too ya know. I see so many positives here that it makes me sick.
Maybe if you thought about it this way: she's your kids mother and you're glad that she's reaching out to you in small ways.
Let's just say that your divorce happens and for the next 15-20 years you have to deal with her over kids and other stuff? Wouldn't it be better for you and the kids if you were always the one who was positive, upbeat and glad to talk to her? Even if it's just because the other choice - angry and fighting - sucks?
But more importantly, why are you on this board? "Divorced but not done"? It seems like YOU are done, or at least you want to be. DBing is too much work because it requires you to do things you really don't want to do. Like be pleasant and validate the fact that she does call YOU, that she shows you some RESPECT.
Maybe you should be on "Surviving the big D" since you have pretty much decided by deeds and actions that it's over? Go open a thread there so we can all validate "She's a btch" and get you over this. Go ahead. I dare you.
or...
Maybe you could think about what is happening. Some people would call these 'baby steps'. One thing for sure, if you recall reading Cunninghams stuff he states that even if divorce is inevitable, you NEED to work on attraction because that will temper the anger and make it less difficult to resolve issues.
Sometimes, he says, it even stops the divorce.
I know you hurt, I know you feel old, I know you feel alone. I hear you. I feel your pain.
It's not serving you to stay angry or stuck like this. Why not resolve to be the most interesting and positive person you can be when she is reaching out to you, and to be the rock who doesn't get phased by her emotional outbursts? Isn't that the kind of man you would want to be with Any woman you know?
You've read the books and you know the concepts. It's time to get up, get back on your feet and become the man who is above all this pettiness. Be someone your W might actually start to LIKE.
I believe in you. I've read your words and see the insights you have. Now, apply them to your own life.
If you're going to stay on "Divorced but not done" then here's an idea: Why don't you find a time to call her when you're pretty sure she's not busy, and maybe ask HER how her headache is and how's her trip going? She may switch to 'angry mode', she may not. But when she asks why you called you can tell her that you were just checking in to see if she was feeling better, nothing more.
Or, when she calls, ASK her about it then. Show her that you actually paid attention to her. That you actually care. Nothing big, just allow her to see that how she feels is important to you. What do you have to lose?
But more important, what do you have to gain? Maybe peace and closure. Maybe something more.
